Black Crescents

Content warning: gun violence, death row/execution, pregnancy loss, and religious themes.

Rain. Sarah on the pavement. I am the servant of two masters. Life and death. Prison water runs hot. Old bar soap. Claw at it to get the dirt out of your fingernails. Black crescents. Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear. I'm supposed to sing it again. Why does it run so hot? Must be the boiler. The size of a bus. Faces pressed up against the windows. Looking at me.

My life is a nightmare from which I am trying to awake. A shadow. A bootblack. Why did I stay? Closing time. Pontificating over the world's problems but not having two nickels to rub together. Sarah wasn't even tending bar. Whenever I had too much, she always got me to think it was my idea to stop. Blue lights. Zip tied and shucked. Back seat cruiser glass. Five years. Steam.

Spiral out. Keep going. Down the drain. Keep going. Will my fingers prune in rushing water? Keep going. My eyes. Will it burn? Sodium pentathol isn't supposed to hurt. Yellow dust. Hygroscopic. Mincing garlic to a fine chop. Aqueous. Single-phase liquid system. Dim sum. Thump thump. Thump thump. Thump thump. Easy now. Easy.

Exile. Who would shoot up a parking lot? Not me. Neither would I. Who could bear that? Talking to myself. Are there two of us here? Brown raincoat. Maybe he died in the getaway. Maybe he died of a heart attack. Maybe he died 'cause he took a second bite. Bad roofies. No, he'll read it in the paper. MURDERER KILLED, JUSTICE SERVED. Tee-hee? Buddha laughing.

Blind faith. Safe in the arms of kingdom come. How does that work? Bless you my son. You are a child of God. But wait till your Father gets home. Consubstantial but Jesus never killed anyone. One and the same but he never punished anyone. Healed everything he touched. Might have stolen that donkey, though. The great hosanna. A mirage on the desert road. Daffy Duck eating sand.

Once you are dead you are dead. He descended into hell. Oceans of steam. Scalding water. A refiner's fire. Metal softening under. Slag burning, removing what was never supposed to be. Ash and flux. Wheat and weeds. Transmigration. Resurrection. Here and now. Pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Did she want a pedicure? Maybe. There's that rat again.

Headlines. Newsprint. Noise. Spin. Grab your torches and pitchforks. A faint roar. Picket signs. ACCOUNTABILITY AT LAST. JUSTICE FOR SARAH. WHO WOULD JESUS EXECUTE? MERCY IS NOT WEAKNESS. Scramble. Tomorrow is Prime Day. Get your holiday shopping done six months early. Scramble. And today we honor those who made the ultimate sacrifice. Bow your heads and look pensive. HOMELESS VETERAN. NEED FOOD. ANYTHING HELPS. Here's a dollar. Don't spend it all in one place.

Dying doesn't work up much of an appetite. Not hungry. Skipped the last meal. Not steak. Not ribs. Not mutton chops. Maybe gorgonzola on white with mustard would have been nice. Do they make non-alcoholic burgundy? Cherry, tea, and dust. Some eat chicken wings. Some are vegan. Why did the vegan cross the road? Plants are alive too, but they want you to eat their fruit. Buried instructions.

The devil and the deep blue sea. Defiance looks guilty. And yet the weakest kind of fruit drops earliest to the ground. The play is the thing. The lady doth protest too much. Who sins more? The lion or the lamb? Nice picture. Love the frame. The gun was in my hand. But I don't remember. I don't recall. I don't know. I don't. I don't. I don't. Easy now. Easy. Steam.

Sarah bled out and all that God had knitted within her unraveled. Stephen's lung collapsed. Desi fainted. Johnny went full red berserker. Parking lot. Who was that in the brown raincoat? Walked right past my eye line. Black boots caked in mud. All too fast. Shot the place up. Come to. Gun in my hand. Rain. How did I get here? 2+2=5. I roam around, around, around, around. Schrödinger. I did it. I didn't do it. I did it. I didn't do it. I did it. I didn't.

Sarah broke from the bar. Bronze not gold. I wanna dance with somebody. Karaoke night. I wanna feel the heat with somebody. She sings? I wanna dance with somebody. Don Giovanni. With somebody who loves me. When she sang, you got the idea of what it might be like to hold her hand or for her to whisper things in your ear. Sweet desire. Hard cold rain.

Johnny died in the crossfire. Least sad for him. Hated anyone who was different from him. Didn't like it when I told him Jesus was Jewish. Kinda wonder who he was really mad at. Eventually everyone is different or everyone is the same. Stumbled over his own fat lip, staring at the ground with his one good eye.

She was simply lovely. That night. The Miller High Life neon sign hitting both good sides. Blue, red, and bronze casting a violet hue. If she had more opportunity, maybe things would be different. She was perfect already, though. Make me a willow cabin at your gate, and call upon my soul within the house. You shall see the face of God and live. Not a second time.

Before-born bliss. Was it Johnny's? No. Maybe Steve or Desi's. Maybe she didn't know. Couldn't have been mine. Well? In light of. No. He'd be four now. If we hit it off, maybe. T-ball, Father's Day, picnics. 8-ball, parole day, soup kitchen. Two fathers. Surrogate. Genetic. One and the same? In light of. A hot mess.

Down on all fours. Jury said guilty but do we ever really know? Prints all over the smoking gun. Rain washed the scene. Wish that guy with the beady eyes wasn't on the jury. Looked like he wanted to punish me before the trial even began. Resting incurious face. Fear of the dark. Loss of control. Thank him now. Close to the end and I haven't felt this kind of peace. Water. Hands.

Passionately attached to music of any kind. Best part of death row. Gimme Shelter. Kind of Blue. Pyramid Song. Dark Side of the Moon. Exodus. Music for Jah people. Suspicious Minds. Warden was kind. Let me crank it when I was the only one here. Used to be a cab driver. How much did he wonder about getting shot? In the pines. In the pines. Where the sun don't ever shine. I would shiver the whole night through.

Now that the future is here I just want it to be over. Coming home to the end, I always thought there'd be some revelation, some big reveal. Gasp, the killer was really the butler. Gasp, the cook did it in the billiard room with the rope. Gasp, the man in the brown raincoat was the cop who arrested you. But no suspects have gathered. The jury went home a long time ago. Nothing left to appeal. Even so, the result is the same.

She was a Flower of the mountain yes. Hands are blistered now yes. A whisper yes. Oh my yes. A banquet is prepared yes. Thump thump. Thump thump. Yes. Easy now. Yes.