No Escape

2. Let a small act of kindness unintentionally trigger chaos or destruction.

I was at my job at a mental health clinic for outpatients of the local state psychiatric hospital. The work could be very stressful, especially when the patients were actively psychotic which was most of the time. They tended to be released too soon from the state hospitals, with a prescription and an appointment for outpatient treatment.

My job was not to rid them of their delusions but to try and make them focus on other aspects of their lives and to help them find activities that would interest them. This was easier said than done.

One day I was feeling particularly stressed out by the job after a patient had become threatening to me and one of the doctors, shouting that we weren’t doing enough for him. Despite my warning not to, someone called the police whose presence just made the patient more paranoid. The police usually aggravated the situation as more often than not they didn’t know how to communicate with the mentally ill.

By the time the situation was under control it was time for lunch. Thank goodness. Deciding I wanted to do something nice for myself to get my mind off the ravages of psychosis, I went to the nearby Macy’s and headed straight for the shoe department. What better way to feel better than to treat oneself to a nice pair of shoes. As soon as I entered the store I felt the travails of the morning drift into the background of my thoughts as I focused on breathing in the fragrant air.

Once in the women’s shoe department I looked at the displays; a pair of ankle boots caught my eye. They were a beautiful burgundy colored suede, just lovely. I brought the sample to the saleswoman, whose nametag said “Rosalie.” She told me to sit down and she’d bring me my size.

It felt good to sit and relax and be waited on. But then I became aware of someone crying. It was the woman in the next seat, crying softly and muttering to herself.

My knee-jerk reaction was to ask, “Are you alright?”

The woman, on the young side of middle age and despite it being winter wearing a tee shirt and long skirt, stood up. I noticed then that she was barefoot and her feet hadn’t been washed in probably a week, at least. She turned and looked at me with angry eyes.

“What business is it of yours how I am?” she said, tears coursing down her face.

Quite surprised, I stopped myself from saying what I was about to, reminding myself that I was on my lunch hour and supposedly treating myself to a respite from the job stressors. Just then, the man sitting on the other side of the woman, who was also dressed for warm weather despite the cold, turned to her.

“You need shoes!” he shouted. “Jenn, try on shoes!”

People turned to stare at him. And her. And me.

The woman began to cry more intensely. “Okay, Charles, okay. I’m waiting for the saleswoman.”

Charles started crossing and uncrossing his legs. At this point I was thinking of leaving, but Rosalie showed up with the boots I’d picked out. As she held them out to me, Jenn reached out and grabbed them.

“Those are for me!” she shouted.

Oh my god, I muttered under my breath. I’m so glad I came here for a break.

“What did you say?” Charles said, his dark eyes flashing contempt, while staring at me.

“Uh, nothing,” I said. Then, “I think those would look great on you, Jenn. Are they the right size?”

Standing up, I noticed an empty chair on the edge of the shoe department. In a low voice I said to Rosalie, “I’ll be over there if you can bring me another pair.”

She just nodded her head as she was speaking to Jenn. “You can’t try on these or any shoes without these.” She held out a pair of peds. Good for her, I thought. I’d hate to try on shoes after Jenn’s bare feet had been in them.

But Jenn wasn’t having it. “No! Other people are trying on shoes without those stupid things,” she said, indicating the peds, then wiping her nose with the back of her hand.

Meanwhile, Charles’ leg crossing was becoming more and more animated, while he was also opening and closing his hands. He was a veritable ball of motion as he turned every few seconds to observe Jenn.

Sitting in the chair across from and somewhat away from them, I felt relieved. At the same time, I couldn’t help but watch Jenn. She looked so needy, and I feared for her safety. But then, I thought, what could I do? I’d just have to try and ignore her and attend to my own needs.

Just as the saleswoman, Rosalie, brought over a fresh pair of boots, something came flying through the air, hitting her in the back. It was a boot, from Jenn, who was standing and shouting, “Take your fucking boots! I hate them! They’re ugly!”

Charles had stood up too, and with his hands flying around like little birds, he also shouted, “Yeah, this store sucks!”

“Are you alright?” I said for the second time in thirty minutes, this time to the saleswoman.

She nodded. “What I have to put up with at work. You just can’t imagine.” And she walked off, rubbing her back.

Ha. Little did she know. There was just no escape. Craziness was everywhere.

After paying for my boots, I put them on and put my old shoes in the shopping bag. As I walked toward one of the store’s exits, a mirror showed Jenn and Charles walking behind me. Maybe they’d follow me all the way to the clinic, and just maybe get some treatment. But when we exited the store, they turned and went the other way. Oh well.