Sleep Like a Baby

“You can’t honestly be considering it?”

“Why not? I could do with the break.”

“Because it’s immoral. Not to mention flipping weird.”

“How can it be immoral? They have adverts for it on TV.”

“Yeah, because nothing immoral has ever been on the telly. It’s just another way for the rich to take advantage of the poor.”

“How have you made it about rich vs poor, again?”

“Because that’s what it always comes down to. It always has, and it always will.”

“In what way is this another attack on the poor? If anything, it’s helping them out.”

“Forcing vulnerable people into situations where they have to use the most precious thing in their lives?”

“Don’t be absurd, Dominic. They do it because it’s an easy way to make a few quid.”

“Would you be okay with Jane doing it with Archie? Your little grandson?”

“Oh, now you’re just being silly. Let’s stop all this nonsense and just put the telly on. There’s some good stuff on tonight.”

“No, Dad, what you’re saying is mental. Why can’t you just go to Barbados again?”

“Oh, and there’s no poor people being taken advantage of there, is there, Dominic?”

“Yep, fair point.”

“That’s that then. Let’s put some telly on.”

“Hang on. I agree with you about people being taken advantage of all over the place, but this is different.”

“Look, when I’m on holiday, I just want to relax, but I never can. There’s always someone or something that needs me. I can’t switch off. This way, I’m not doing anything for two weeks, because I can’t do anything. Nothing to do but eat and sleep.”

“Then lock your phone in the safe. Don’t hijack the body of a baby.”

“Oh, Dominic, of course it’s going to sound bad if you describe it like that.”

“Describe it like what? Exactly what it is?”

“The baby’s consciousness is moved to an online nursery. They don’t know any difference.”

“Oh, come on. Do you even know what that means? You’re too scared to use online banking, but you’ll happily trust online body snatching.”

“Now you’re just being silly. I’ve done the research. They store the consciousness on a large server that runs a nursery program which provides them with all they need.”

“Reading the company’s website is not research, Dad. Did you look at any of the articles I sent?”

“I had a skim through.”

“You had a skim through?”

“Let’s leave it, please.”

“Did you happen to skim through the part where it says that some companies actually lied about their ‘online nurseries’? They just switch the baby’s consciousness off during your little holiday. Do you have any idea what that does to their early development?”

“Oh, come on. They’re just babies, they won’t remember.”

“You’re right, they won’t remember, and that’s the problem. They aren’t just laying there, doing nothing. They’re taking everything in. Working out simple, but essential skills.”

“Oh, so now suddenly you’re a baby development expert? Where did you get your qualifications? TikTok?”

“How come every time I take time to learn about things that are going on in the world, you use it as some sort of attack on me? As if actually educating yourself is somehow a flaw in my argument?”

“I’ve read stuff about it too, you know.”

“What did you read?”

“I read about how it’s opened up hundreds of jobs for disadvantaged parents. These people were living off benefits, stealing from supermarkets. Some were having to sell their bloody bodies, Dominic. You don’t think this is better?”

“Do you know what the minimum wage is in this country?”

“Don’t change the subject just because I make a good point.”

“I’m not. These places on average pay their ‘employees’ minimum wage. Which right now is £17.30 an hour. How much did you pay for your baby-cation?”

“We actually went with ‘Sleep Like a Baby’. I think you’ll find they pay a little more than that.”

“Yep, you’re right, they pay £20.15 an hour. So, how much?”

“Just short of £42,000.”

“Wow.”

“That is for two and a half weeks.”

“If the parents of those babies wanted to go on your holiday, they’d have to rent their child out for almost four months.”

“Look, I don’t know why you’re having a go at me, Dominic. I didn’t invent the bloody thing.”

“No, and I didn’t invent armed robbery, but if I get caught holding up a bank, that’s not going to be my best line of defence.”

“More silliness. Why are you so bothered about what I do with my time or my money?”

“I’m bothered because in the future, when society looks back on this, trying to figure out how we could have been so selfish and ignorant, I don’t want to have to explain to my grandkids that their great-grandfather was one of those that not only accepted it, but benefited from it.”

“Oh, now you’re just being dramatic.”

“Dad, you didn’t want the Covid vaccine because you were worried about the side effects. You wouldn’t shut up about how it hadn’t had enough time to actually know the long term. Where’s your protest now?”

“Ha! Don’t forget to bring Brexit into it too. You smarty pants youngsters love to blame it all on us old fools.”

“It’s not about blame, it’s about accountability and owning up to it.”

“Because every angry mob needs a monster to run out of town.”

“No, because every mistake, once acknowledged, can be learned from. Then we should be able to stop repeating the same ones over and over again.”

“Enough now, I’m trying to relax, and I can’t when you virtue signalling right in my ear hole. Let’s just put some telly on for God’s sake.”

“We could put that documentary on YouTube. About the old man trapped inside a nine-month-old.”

“What are you talking about now? Let’s just watch Eastenders.”

“The documentary is about a young mother in Birmingham who, due to circumstances beyond her control, had to start renting out her nine-month-old baby boy. His name was Oscar. He'd been occupied for almost two weeks by some old Baron. Something went wrong, and now they can’t get him out. He’s stuck inside the child’s body. The company says they still have the child’s consciousness on file, but there’s no way of communicating with it, or even proving it’s there. The documentary follows the court case for custody. The mother wants to keep her child’s body, and hope that someday they’re able to fix it. But the Baroness says that it is more her husband, then it is the mother’s baby.”

“That’s never happened, I would have heard about it.”

“They don’t want you to hear about it. They don’t want to have to be expected to clean up their messes.”

“Did they get it sorted? Is the Baron okay?”

“The Baron is doing a lot better than Oscar. Remember him? They’re still fighting over it all. The company offered the woman’s son back on a pen drive.”

“Well, maybe I’ll have another look into it.”

“I should have said that from the beginning. Of course you only care about the bad things that could happen to you.”

“Don’t be like that, Dominic. I said I’d look into it. Your lecture worked. Now can we please go and watch some telly?”

“Thanks for listening. I just need to grab your Christmas present out of the car. I got you a metal straw and an Antifa t-shirt.”