Right Outside The Diner

CW: Gun violence

You’ve got the words all muddled up—she’s singing about the son of a preacher man.

No, I’m fairly certain she’s singing about the sun from the peaches, man.

But what does that even mean?

I don’t know, I’m not the one singing it.

Here, I’ll turn it up so you can hear. See? Preacher.

Sounds like peaches to me.

Well anything sounds like peaches if you want it to.

We’ll just have to agree to disagree.

So long as we can agree that Dusty is a national treasure.

National treasure in America is setting the bar awfully low.

The only national treasure you fellas have is stolen!

And the only treasure here in LA is one I intend to steal. And anyway I heaps prefer Dolly.

Of course you do.

What’s that supposed to mean?

Nothing.

When you say it like that it makes me thing there is something.

You just strike me as the type of guy to accept whatever the charts tell you is the top without a second thought. You wouldn’t never dive into the more obscure side of music.

Dusty Springfield isn’t obscure!

More obscure than Parton.

Whatever. Go on, pull into that lot there.

The diner?

Aye.

I still think we should have picked something a little bit more inconspicuous.

We’re not going for inconspicuous, we’re going for safe. Eleven o’clock on a Sunday—that diner’ll be brimming with families and couples all getting their morning fry. Name a better place to make sure no-one gets a little too excited during the handover.

I guess so. And besides, I’m starving.

You’ll have to wait. We’re getting in and out, no funny business. I won’t shit where I eat. Hey, watch the pavement you nit.

Sorry.

Next time I’m driving.

Alright, then next time I’ll bring the suitcase.

What do you mean next time you’ll bring the case?

You brought the case this time, I’ll bring it the next time.

You were supposed to bring it this time too.

What? C’mon, everyone knows there is a driver and a bringer. I was the driver this time.

Are you joking?

I’m driving right now, aren’t I?

So you didn’t bring it.

Nah.

Well I’ll be damned.

Darned.

What?

Darned. You shouldn’t say words like damn.

Christ, I cannot be arsed with this right now. You really don’t have it?

Why should I have it?

Because you’re always the one who has it!

I’m the driver this time.

But you’re always the bringer!

Maybe I wanted to try something else for a change.

Oh my god. So you forgot it.

I didn’t forget it any more than you did.

I didn’t forget it I just assumed you had it!

You know I don’t like it when you yell.

And you know I don’t like it when there are ten million quid stuffed in a suitcase that neither of us has any bloody idea where is!

Dollars. You did it again.

What?

You said quid. It’s dollars.

…

And besides we know exactly where it is.

Well?

It’s on the table at the motel we stayed in last night. That’s where we left it.

Are you telling me that you left it at the fucking motel?

Umm, we both did. And language.

Deep breaths, deep breaths. Listen, do you have any idea what’s going to happen to it when they find it?

I imagine they’ll stuff it aside and call us up and tell us where to pick it up.

You’re too good for this world which isn’t a good thing.

That’s an oxymoron.

You’re a moron. Some lass from room service will find it, open it, and what’ll she see?

Ten million crisp dollar bills?

Bingo. What do you think she’ll do then?

Close it and call us and hand it over to us? Hey, if you keep ramming your head against the dashboard like that the airbag’ll go off.

She’ll go to the coppers is what she’ll do! And you know what she’ll hand them? A suitcase full of nine million quid!

Dollars.

Shut up.

And why only nine?

Because she’ll bloody well keep one for herself! And then she’ll get the peelers on our trail.

Why would she do that? Oh, don’t look at me like that you know it breaks my heart when you do. It makes me feel stupid.

You are stupid.

Man whatever… Danny will not be happy if this deal doesn’t come through.

You think?

A lot of dough up in the air. He won’t be pleased.

Don’t remind me. At least just turn the car off.

Should we go in?

No. We’ll sit right out here and we’ll think about it. We don’t go in there till we’ve come up with a solution.

We probably look a little suspicious, two guys sitting in a muscle car right outside the diner.

I don’t care if we were two eighty year olds on a horse wearing tutu skirts. We’re not going in there till we figure out what the hell to do.

How is a horse gonna wear a tutu skirt? Right. Sorry. Silly question. We’re the ones wearing the skirts, of course. Maybe if we drive fast we can go back and get the case before—?

We have to meet with them in two minutes.

Oh. Nevermind then.

Exactly.

We are cutting it quite close, aren’t we?

Which would have been fine if someone had remembered the money.

Yeah. Someone.

Excuse me?

I’m just saying you forgot it as much as I did. Hey man remember to breathe, you’re looking a little red.

Okay, it’s okay, it’s fine, we just have to think. We can come up with something, we can figure this out.

Remember your blood pressure. The doctor said—

I know what they said.

No need to be snappy I’m just saying.

Then don’t.

Alright, alright, relax. Why not just tell them that we’ve forgotten the money but they can come with us and get it?

Are you stupid?

It really hurts me when you ask that question.

The point of meeting in the diner is to be surrounded by people. These blokes are gangsters. They’re not right in their heads. If we get alone with them they’ll stuff the two of us with lead.

What if we just invite someone else to come with us? Then we won’t be alone. I have this friend who lives nearby, he’s always down to hang you know, and if he was there I think maybe the gangsters would be more hesitant to… hey stop choking yourself, people are looking.

Either you start coming up with good ideas rather than this bullshit or I start choking you instead.

You haven’t been doing your breathing exercises have you?

Oh my fucking… would you please turn off the radio?

But it’s Dusty Springfield. I love her.

Just turn it off.

You really don’t like Dusty?

I have to think, alright? And I can’t think with her crooning in my ear about peaches and men all the time.

Preacher man.

What?

She’s singing about a preacher man.

I don’t care if she was singing about—

Hey look.

What?

It’s one past.

Shit.

Do you hear that? Shoot, it’s coming from your pocket.

Hear what? Oh no.

Well, aren’t you gonna answer it?

Right. Umm just be quiet, okay?

As a mouse.

Hello… yes, it’s him… well, you see we ran into some traffic on the way here… no, no, nothing like that… no I’m not avoiding you I just didn’t hear the phone because of the radio… yes, I’ve heard about that happening to people… it sounds painful, indeed it does… I was just thinking that maybe we could postpone the meeting seeing as how we’re already running late… no yeah, that is a sound argument… four fingers and both ears mailed to my family, yes I understand it perfectly… of course we’ll be right in… yeah we’re right outside the diner… half a minute tops.

So, who was it?

Don’t make me ask you again whether you were born this stupid or whether it was something you had to spend years practicing to become.

I was just kidding.

It’s not the blooming time for kidding! I am this close to hitting you upside the head.

Your fingers are touching. Ow! Well what did they want?

What do you think they wanted? They wanted the fucking money!

Why did you tell them we were right outside?

Because we are! I don’t know, look, I’ll check the boot and maybe we have something we can use.

Why would you have anything in your boot?

The boot. Of the car. Oh my god. The trunk.

Oh. Right. Yeah go do that.

…

Find anything?

I found this… It’s a rubbish option in a rubbish situation but it’ll have to do I guess.

It’s a gym bag.

No shit, Sherlock. The bloke we nicked the car from must have left it. We’ll zip it and we’ll be fine. We’ll look like second rate drug dealers, but we’ll be fine.

What if they open it? They’ll just find deodorant and a damp towel.

Well then how about you pray to your goddamned American fucking gods that they don’t open the bloody bag, eh?

Whoa, I know you’re angry but there’s no need to—

You really wanna go there right now?

No.

Good. And if you’d rather go back and tell Danny that you forgot his money at the motel, then by all means be my guest.

I didn’t forget it… and no, I don’t wanna do that.

Then we do this. We’ll go in, act normal. We’ll exchange the gym bag for the bonds, then we’ll shake hands and we’ll leave.

And if they ask to see the cash?

Then you run like the devil’s at your heels, okay?

Alright. Should we pray first or…?

Just shut up and go.

Remember to lock the car—it’d be darn awkward to have it stolen while we’re inside. Wait a minute, look over there.

The fuck is that guy doing?

I don’t know.

He’s putting something on.

Should we ask him if he needs help? He looks like he’s struggling.

Like I said: too good for this world.

Is it an elephant mask?

Oh shit, go back, go back, close the door! Quietly, don’t slam it! Yes, that’s good.

What?

It is an elephant mask. And look at that!

Is that a shotgun?

Damn sure looks like it. How about we just sit back in the car and keep our heads down.

Should we…?

No, don’t. Don’t do anything. Just sit tight. Lean down a little so he doesn’t see us. Good. We’ll stay here and see what happens.

But what if he hurts someone?

He’s got a shotgun. I’m fairly certain it’s a given.

We could take him out.

We’re not gonna take him out.

What’s that mean?

Look, no one is going to get hurt so long as everyone complies. But you know who aren’t going to comply?

Oh gosh.

Exactly. In that diner are currently two gangsters with a case full of illegal bonds and a belt bulked up with bullets. You best believe there’s going to be a fight.

So we just…?

We just wait it out. Our day can’t get any worse anyway. Let’s hope this makes it slightly better.

Okay. Whoa, did you hear that?

Yeah. Won’t be cheap fixing the roof after that.

Or the glasses.

Or the… wait what was that? Did he shoot a table or something?

Sounded like it.

Roll down your window, I want to hear what he’s yelling.

Can you understand it?

No, he’s mumbling too much. Something about getting down, I think.

What about the gangsters? Didn’t you say—

Just wait for it. Yep, there it was. Did you hear it? That wasn’t a shotgun that was a regular pistol. Oh look, there go the customers.

Impressive she can run in those heels, don’t you think?

Very. Oop, not far though. That looked like it hurt.

Gee, look at all that glass on the ground. How many shells did he have with him?

Enough to rob a diner, I guess. You just need enough to install fear in the patrons.

Yeah, I suppose so.

Of course things change when you rob a diner with two armed criminals in it.

Undoubtedly. Wait, don’t we know that guy? The one with the suitcase.

My god it’s one of them! Don’t let him see us!

Is he pulling another gun?

JESUS CHRIST GET DOWN!

No, he’s not aiming at us. Oh my he’s standing off against the robber!

What’s happening? I can’t look.

The fella with the suitcase—our fella—is aiming at the guy with the shotgun and—oh my goodness gracious, thick biscuits and gravy he was just got shot! Right in the chest too! Oh. Oh! That looked like it hurt! Gosh darn that’s a lot of blood.

Did he drop the suitcase?

Yeah, right in front of the entrance. People are going to trip over it, I’m telling you. Wait, what are you doing?

Cover me and I’ll run for it, okay?

For the suitcase?

Yeah for the suitcase! Open your door and kneel on the ground, you can shoot through the window.

Just be careful.

I’ll be fast. And next time we both remember the suitcase, okay? Even if we’re the driver.

Deal.

Okay, here I go. Shit! Fuck! Nevermind, I don’t go, bloody hell look at that! Missed me by an inch and no more.

Tore right through the door too.

Try and see if you can take him out now.

I’m gonna hit the customers.

Boohoo.

Nah, I ain’t taking a shot until I get a clear one.

Way too fucking good for this world. Damn, almost got him. Why’s he standing over the case like that? Why can’t someone distract him for a moment so I can get that goddamned case!

Watch out, man, you’re sticking your head up too far.

No I’m not— oh. Right. Good call.

So long as you buzz the rest it looks like it was on purpose.

Stop mocking me I just almost died.

I told you you had your head up too far.

Go on, hand me your gun I’m out of bullets. I said hand it over not throw it! You know I can’t catch!

I’m on the other side of the car I can’t reach!

Then you should have crawled through!

Why didn’t you crawl through?

Because I— whatever. Get back in, close the door. We’ll get the case once the last gangster and the robber take each other out.

So long as no-one takes it before. Yup, look there, what did I say? I called it, people are gonna trip over it when it’s right in the doorway. Oh heck it’s all open now. No-no-no the bonds are going to fly everywhere and… wait what? Man have look at this.

Huh? Hold on just a minute now. Those aren’t bloody bonds. They’re newspaper clippings!

And a lot of them too.

Those motherfuckers were trying to get the slip on us!

Didn’t get them very far. Good luck trying to identify that corpse—his face is full of buckshot and dust bunnies. That’s what I call karma.

Can you see the other guy yet? The other gangster?

Nah, not right now. The robber must have gone back inside. What a mess!

What did I tell you? Robberies always go wrong when other people have pistols.

In all fairness you shot at them too.

But from behind the car, so it doesn’t count.

How does that not count? Oh look here. The cops are coming.

Shit.

Should we just… leave?

Yup. Yupyupyup, go on, go before those peelers block off the entrance to the lot. Wait, we have to get your gun! Just pull back a bit. Yeah okay I got it. Hit it! And watch out the maniac with the shotgun is still firing. Shit, I don’t think we’ll get much resale value with those bullet holes in the door.

And look at the back window.

Oh, I hadn’t even seen that.

Yeah, the backseat is covered in it now.

You’ve got some on your shoulder too.

So long as that’s the extent of the damage. Are you alright?

I’m fine, I wasn’t hit.

…

Are you okay?

Yes I am. Thank you for asking.

…

What now?

I guess we go back to the motel and see if we can find those ten million quid.

Dollars.

Whatever.

And then?

We head north til all of this blows over. Two gangsters just died in a shootout in a diner on a Sunday morning—the coppers are gonna be all up in business for the next little while. We should probably ditch the car as soon as we can.

And Danny?

Danny’ll be far too busy trying to put a lid on all of this to worry about us.

And the money?

Well, when it comes down to it we can always tell good old Danny that the robber came after we had handed over the case and the police nicked it all but we just barely managed to escape. If anything he almost owes us for risking our lives.

You think he’ll buy it?

I think it’s worth a shot. It might make each of us five million qui— dollars richer.

I like where your head’s at.

I’m rather fond of it myself too.

Hey man?

Aye?

If we had gone into that diner when we should have we probably would have actually been shot.

Or arrested.

Right. So if you think about it, you forgetting to bring the suitcase might have actually saved our lives.

I didn’t forget it, you did.

In any case.

Just drive.

Can I at least turn the radio back on?

Ugh. Fine.

I love Dusty Springfield.

Yeah.… She’s alright. Even if I still don’t quite get the peaches thing.