A Simple Loan

(WARNING: MATURE THEMES)

Int. Mysty Loans and Solutions

An excitable man (LICHTMANN) is waiting at a table. His is greeted by a meagre looking man in a grey suit (MAACT) His suit is unironed and his tie creased.

MAACT: Hello sir, sorry for my tardiness, I just had a little coffee emergency in the kitchen.

LICHTMANN: Haven't we all!

MAACT: Yeah, haha. Any whom, let's have a look at your loan request.

Maact opens his folder.

MAACT: So you've applied for a loan of 25 thousand dollars, is that correct?

LICHTMANN: Indeed.

MAACT: All good, I'll just punch that in ... and this is a business loan?

LICHTMANN: Indeed.

MAACT: Nice. I admired you showing a bit of that classic entrepreneurial spirit in this climate.

LICHTMANN: This Labour government doesn't like that, lemme tell ya!

MAACT: Haha, well I can't comment on politics in an official capacity, but I certainly hear you.

LICHTMANN: Indeed.

MAACT: Alrighty... this is a butcher?

LICHTMANN: Of sorts...

MAACT: Uh, what do you mean, of sorts?

LICHTMANN: Well, it is a butchery, but not the most orthodox meat counter in this city.

MAACT: Oh, fair enough. You sellling Venison are you? gamey meats?

LICHTMANN: Not exactly...

MAACT: Oh... Croc meat?

LICHTMANN: Upon request, but we've got a different kind of meat on offer. Nothing you'd find over the counter.

MAACT: Oh...bugs? crickets? No judging here, not my thing.

LICHTMANN: Sir, with due respect, while we are all animals by definition, I'm not an animal...

MAACT: ...Frogs?

LICHTMANN: No.

MAACT: Rabbits?

LICHTMANN: Negative

MAACT: Eagles?

LICHTMANN: Disgusting.

MAACT: Well sir, with all due respect, I need to know what your selling so when I rendezvous with the bank, I can present your case to them and they know they're not giving money to some cannibal weirdo.

LICHTMANN: Funny you mention cannibal...

MAACT: Sir, it's not really appropriate to joke in...

LICHTMANN: I'm not joking.

MAACT: ...Um, what?

LICHTMANN: Mr Maact, I'm interested in starting is called Flesh and Bones and it's the worlds first Cannibal butchery and cafe.

MAACT: Stop it.

LICHTMANN: Why? I'm just stating my business case.

MAACT: It's a sick joke.

LICHTMANN: I'm not joking, the costings are all there. Please read the report.

Maact pauses for a minute, chuckles to himself, before looking down. Maact begins flicking through his pages, realising the man might be serious.

LICHTMANN: I may have made a small accounting mistake on page 9, apologies.

MAACT: This...is madness.

LICHTMANN: I think it's a well explained business case.

MAACT: It's lunacy, how do you think you're gonna get this through?

LICHTMANN: You don't think my business case is strong enough? I've costed for staffing, equipment, everything that's needed.

MAACT: How the actual fuck are you expecting someone to agree to this?

LICHTMANN: Easy, I've already gotten 23 people to agree to be slaughtered.

MAACT: I meant the business ca...wait, what?

LICHTMANN: I've got written contracts for 23 people willing to sacrifice themselves for my humble establishment. Wonderful people who want a taste of something different in our ever-growing culinary scene.

MAACT: Where?

LICHTMANN: Right here, look

Lichtmann hands Maact the papers, he flicks through them. He is mortified.

LICHTMANN: All consensual, all above board.

MAACT: This, this is demented. How the... wait, uncle Jens?

LICHTMANN: He's first, quite keen to get involved.

MAACT: How did you dupe him into this?

LICHTMANN: I had him for dinner.

MAACT: WHAT!?

LICHTMANN: Sorry, I had him over for dinner, my English isn't so good.

MAACT: This is horrible, I'm calling the police.

LICHTMANN: Why? I haven't done anything wrong.

MAACT: You wanna eat people.

LICHTMANN: Not me personally, I'm vegetarian.

MAACT: WHAT!?

LICHTMANN: I'm not interested in the consumption of human flesh myself, I just want to provide that to our community.

MAACT: WHOS GONNA WANNA EAT A HUMAN BEING?

LICHTMANN: Quite a number of people, I've got another list.

MAACT: Why would they agree to this?

LICHTMANN: We live in a free society, where people can do what they wish, it's the ultimate libertarian principle. Why should we dictate bodily autonomy?

MAACT: I mean, sure that's not amazing, and between you and me I'm certainly sympathetic to libertarian principles, but c'mon...

LICHTMANN: And everyone here is a willing participant, this list...

MAACT: I DON'T WANNA SEE A LIST, GET OUT YOU PERVERT

LICHTMANN: I don't appreciate the matter which your speaking to me.

MAACT: YOUR A CANNIBAL SICKO!

LICHTMANN: I'm a vegetarian, as stated before.

MAACT: NO ONE IN THERE RIGHT MIND WILL APPROVE THIS LOAN.

LICHTMANN: Actually, Divestures Local is reviewing the proposal.

MAACT: BULLSHIT!

LICHTMANN: I've got the papers...

MAACT: I don't care.

LICHTMANN: So you're saying that your predisposition against the cannibal community is affecting your judgement?

MAACT: Yes! Because it's sick.

LICHTMANN: I think there's a sizeable amount of people within this community that would be quite offended by your comments.

MAACT: I don't care.

LICHTMANN: They might want to have a piece of you ... Sorry, they might want to give you a piece of your mind.

MAACT: Oh I bet those sickos would love them.

LICHTMANN: That's unfair. I think you should come and give us a try.

MAACT: I bet those freaks would love that!

LICHTMANN: Well some have offered individual body parts, so quite possibly yes.

MAACT: URGH! I'm calling security.

LICHTMANN: Don't, I'll let myself out.

MAACT: Please do.

Lichtmann stands up

LICHTMANN: It's a shame that people like you don't having your finger on the pulse of this country.

MAACT: GET OUT!

LICHTMANN: Gladly.

Lichtmann quietly shuts the door behind him. Maact is apoplectic. He reaches into the fridge and pulls out his lunch. There is a note on top of his lunch. He picks it up

MAACT: Darling, please enjoy this new recipe. It's quite personal. Jens was keen to be apart of this.

Maact starts eating his meal. He takes a bite or two, he is unsure what to think. He then looks down and flips over the note.

MAACT: Wait, JENSWURST, WHAT!?

Maact realises something. His wife has served up Uncle Jens. Trying not to vomit, he began dialing the phone in his office. However, he stops for a second. He has another look in his bowl. After a brief second of inspecting the bowl, he takes another bite. This time, he starts enjoying it a bit more. He takes a few more bites, a bit more each time. As he finishes the bowl, he looks over at the loan application. After looking through the pages for a brief second, he shrugs his shoulders and grabs a stamp before giving his seal of approval.

MAACT: Don't make me regret this, you cannibal freak.

Lichtmann pops his head into his office.

LICHTMANN: Pleasure to do business with you, despite the hurtful comments.

The End.