Welcome to Love

“So, it’s been a year now, how are you feeling?”

“Angry.”

“Really, why? I thought everything ended pretty amicably between you two?”

“It did. I mean, we were never the type of people to scream and yell at each other. No matter how upset the other was.”

“Then why are you angry?”

“... because hindsight is a beautiful thing.”

“It is.”

“I have so much knowledge now of who I was in the relationship. How naive and blind I was to the hurt. To just the type of person he is. How manipulative he could be.”

“And you didn’t know any of this when you two were together?”

“Not really, no. In a way, he taught me to ignore it. To stop and think about the problem. To stop and think about all the ways that he is right and I was wrong. To overthink myself into him being right.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I’m not really the type of person to bring up when anything is wrong in the first place. Mistake number one. Then, once I worked up the courage to, I had already thought of every scenario in which he was right, and I wasn’t, and it all was just so I wouldn’t upset him. Mistake number two.”

“Was he right?”

“When?”

“In any of the moments when you two would fight.”

“We wouldn’t fight like that. There was no yelling at all in any of the four years we were together.”

“So, no fighting, only talking? Really? It’s hard to believe couples can do that anymore.”

“He was the one who taught me that. Despite the countless times I wanted to, I never did. We would talk and talk about a problem. Usually about the smallest of issues, we could talk about it for what seemed like hours since we were just going in circles, circling the issue until I gave in to whatever bullshit. The kicker was that it usually started with something that upset me. Then his not taking accountability for it, me feeling bad for even bringing it up, then I’d give in. Always the same shit, same cycle right until the end.”

“Maybe he was just trying to help. Or it was just his version of helping. He thought he was doing the right thing by slowing down, talking things through, and making sure you saw both sides. Making sure it wasn’t only feelings involved, but thinking and problem solving as well.”

“How could he always be right when it comes to my feelings? And which one arises at the moment? He thought he did; he thought he could tell every emotion that I felt, but I think that was just another power move on his part. Steering me into what he wanted me to feel.”

“And you let him?”

“I thought that was the price to pay for a relationship. There will never be sunshine and rainbows 24\7. Everyone goes through the highs and lows. Not sure when it became only the lows, though.”

“I find it hard to believe it could be so one-sided.”

“It wasn’t one-sided. I know I had my problems, but I like to think I was able to deal with them. To own up to whatever I did.”

“Did he change you?

“Of course, I know change is needed in any relationship, but looking back now, I know I changed drastically and not for good. To this day, I’m still working to undo the damage that was caused."

“That sounds extreme.”

“Yeah, it does. When I got out of the relationship though, I couldn’t recognize myself, and that is a scary place to be in. It went to the extreme without me realizing it.”

“Truthfully, I don’t think it could have been so bad.”

“Why? Why are you being so defensive about this? I thought you were my friend?”

“ I am! I’m just trying to understand everything better!”

“Look, I know you like to give it to me straight, and I do appreciate that. But it’s done. It’s been a year, and I’ve moved on.”

“You guys seemed like an endgame. Like you were gonna get married.”

“Yeah, well, that idea fizzled out a long time ago. I should’ve known something was wrong when I couldn’t even envision the two of us getting married anymore.”

“Will you ever be able to move on from him fully?”

“Truthfully, I’m not sure. I mean, he was my first boyfriend, aren’t those the ones who always stick in your mind? And despite everything, we did have some good times together. In my mind, I know I am done with him. There is no pull or desire to get back together. Maybe it will just take a bit longer to fully get over him. It’s complicated, I guess welcome to love.”

“I’m so sorry, I never realised how bad it was. How much of a toll it took on you.”

“It's ok, I didn’t know either, and now I know. I can take that knowledge with me and put it towards a new relationship. Although that probably won’t be for a while.”

“I just wanted to check in, make sure you were okay with everything. I see now there was a lot on your mind with the ending of it all.”

“I mean, he put the weight of our whole relationship on my shoulders, and I was supposed to manage everything. How is that fair? I couldn’t pursue any of the projects I wanted to because he came first. Somehow though, it was never the other way around. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting this past year, so I have a lot of thoughts that have just been accumulating.”

“That must’ve been hard.”

“ Oh, it was, he was everything I didn't want to be in life. In my mind, that made us complement each other well. But it didn’t, and I quickly grew to hate it. Resent it really. It’s hard coming to the realization that the person you thought you were going to be with for the rest of your life may actually be a person you hate.”

“ I am glad you can see everything fully now, truthfully. So does it feel like the end?”

“Yeah, it does. I feel the finality of it all. It was there even before the relationship ended. I just tried to ignore it for so long. But it’s done. The one thing I’ll say is that there are no regrets. Hopefully, it’s the same for him too. There’s a whole other world out there, and I’m ready to experience it now, and I’ve never felt more ready for it.”

“But it’s done now.”

“It’s done now.”

“Good riddance?”

“Hell yeah, good riddance.”