Anathema (My Curse)

Hello, Robyn. Nice to see you again. I guess I have the advantage here, because I can see you---but you can't see me. Oh, how wonderful it feels to have so much power over you, when you can't even reach out and touch me. I slither around in the shadows, stalking you. I live in the shadows. Sometimes I wait months, or even years to strike. Other times you call out for me. It is then I can come into the light. I put my arms around you, enveloping you in my old familiar darkness. Sometimes my touch tears at your skin like razor blades. And instead of recoiling, you pull me closer. I whisper in your ear that you will always be mine. And that makes you cry. Your tears give me power. I must have loosened my grip a little too much recently, because you were able to escape me. I was banished back into the shadows, because without you I cannot live in the light. But I watch your every move. I see you smiling again, sometimes even laughing---and I turn away, feeling scorned. I cannot bear to see you like this. Because the shadows are cold, and I need your warmth. But I don't sit around idly waiting. I reach my claws out and lightly, gently run them down your back. And I watch with delight as the expression on your face suddenly changes to a look of recognition. You are remembering our last days together; it's clear to see. I anticipate your return as I see you longing to come back to me. But this time you fight me. You resist. It's okay, though. That little taste of your nostalgia will do to keep me alive until I can get you alone again. When you are weak and sad, and see no other way. That, my dear, is when I will reach out to you. I will slowly wrap each of my claws---one by one---around your throat and pull you back into my darkness...so that I may live in the light again. I am here, always. Waiting for you.

Come home soon,

Anathema

Dearest Anathema,

I hope this letter finds you well. I know that I may not be able to see you; but I can sure smell your desperation. While it's true, it hasn't actually been that long since we were last together, it feels like a lifetime ago to me. I'd like to make a few things clear to you about our relationship going forward. First, I now know how you operate and thus, I know what it takes to keep you in the shadows---where you belong. I felt each time you licked the tears off my face as I cried. But those tears only gave you power because I believed your lies. I believed I was yours, forever. Just like you said. And as I made you stronger, I grew weaker. Until inevitably I succumbed to you. And you're right---sometimes the sting of your touch was the only thing that felt real to me. But my eyes have been opened to see you for who and what you truly are. There was a time when I craved the pain of your darkness. At the time, I confused it for love. You made your way look attractive. Oh, how blind I was. You promised we would have fun, without any danger. That I would forget all my troubles when I was with you. But you turned out to be a wolf in sheep's clothing. By the time I saw you for what you really are, it was almost too late. You had enveloped not only me, but my whole world in your darkness. For a few years there---it looked hopeless. I knew you had me. I had accepted that I would take my last breath in your arms. But as strong as you grew, feeding on my suffering, you just couldn't manage to extinguish the tiny ember of hope that still burned within me. With some support, I started to stoke that small, fragile ember. It took a little help, and a lot of hard work. And there were times I felt you closing in on me. You've always had a way of convincing me that my place was with you---and I'd allow you to lure me back into the darkness again. Being there with you would threaten to smother my carefully tended flame of hope. I've always managed to escape your clutches just in time. I never took the time to recognize how lucky I was...until now. We've done this dance for more than half my life. But know this, Anathema---I'm done dancing. I've accepted that my nostalgia keeps you alive. Because there's nothing I can do about it. That acceptance is one of my strongest weapons against you. The other being my acknowledgement that there is no "me" without "you". You will always be a part of me. You'll always stalk me from your darkness in the shadows. All I can do is stoke my flame of hope into an inferno, whose light burns bright enough to keep your darkness far away from me and my peace. I no longer fear you. Nor do I lust for the illusion of blissful numbness that you always try to sell me. I now have people in my life who show me what true happiness means. And they don't have to play games or hide in the shadows to do it. They even take turns throwing logs onto my fire when I am too tired to do it for myself. I will never be alone again. That must really burn you up inside. But that's why you see me smiling and laughing. It's because I can finally feel all the joy you suck out of me whenever I let you in. So take a real good look. Because I refuse to let you come back. You can stalk me from the shadows until the end of time, for all I care. As I continue to build the beautiful life I deserve, the stronger I get. And the weaker you do. And some day soon, all you'll be to me is a good back scratch from time to time.

No longer yours forever,

Robyn