Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

To whoever finds this journal,

Within these pages, you will find five reasons and five letters.

The five reasons are for those who have always wondered how a life that looked so perfect in the eyes of everyone else could end in tragedy. Maybe, by the time you reach the last page, you'll understand that what people see is not always the truth, and that sometimes the brightest smiles hide the deepest wounds.

The five letters are for the people who walked beside me through life-those who helped me carry its weight, and those who made it far heavier than I could ever admit. Some deserve my gratitude. Others deserve the truth they never wanted to hear.

Reason 1:

Maybe what makes people happy is waiting for a better day, a better month, a better year—for a better life. But that day never comes. You wait, and you wait, and you wasting your life.                My whole life, I was told that I had a perfect life by people who didn't even know me. But what was even more unfortunate was hearing it from the people who were creating my "perfect" life.   So every time I found myself walking in my own dark little world, I kept telling myself, Yes, but my life is perfect. There must be something wrong with me.                                 End every day, I tried to find the perfection everyone kept talking about, but I couldn't find it. So I blamed myself, just like everybody else did. Whenever something went wrong, they blamed me for their own actions and frustrations.  

My Dear shrink

I don't want you to take the blame for what happened to me this morning. You were one of the few people who actually listened to me, although it was probably because you were paid to help me.

I'm so sorry if I let you down today. I wish I could have spoken to you one last time.

And I promise I tried all the techniques you told me about: counting backwards from 100, naming four objects, touching three things, seeing two colours, and focusing on the first number that came into my mind. It's funny, because the only number that ever came to me was five, which is tomorrow morning—5 May 2017...

Reason 2:

I will finally sleep again after years and years of staring at the wall at four o'clock in the morning, trying to figure out life. Finally, I did.

It became easier to think about the comforting thought of death than my own future, so I stopped trying. Then I woke up to reality, which turned out to be a much bigger nightmare than I had imagined.To be clear, I've had insomnia since I was two years old. And suddenly, my favorite part of the day became the night. While everyone else was asleep, I was awake, because that was the only time I could spend doing what I loved without disappointing anyone or having them be ashamed of themselves for raising such a loser.

Dear Principal:

You never know when it really starts. You only realize that something is wrong when you have fragments of happiness in your life—maybe a game day at school, maybe Halloween, when, for the first time, you can be yourself without having to hide behind happy thoughts. But those days were rare.

When I was first transferred to this school, I was promised that I would be understood, helped, and provided with all the support I needed. Well, here we are. I mean, here you are, because I'm two meters under the ground. Sorry, that was a bad joke.

But I don't think I was understood from my very first day at school, when there were photoshopped pictures of me naked that were posted on the school's website, and you still accuse me of being ungrateful.

Reason 3:

Recent, mornings have become harder and harder. Every day, I wake up knowing that I want more from life, yet whatever I do never seems to be enough for me or for the people around me.

I wanted to do everything, but instead, I ended up doing absolutely nothing. When your dreams are so big, every small step feels meaningless and insignificant.

Sometimes, it's easier to say, "I was tired today," or, "I didn't have enough time." But the truth is much simpler and much more painful: I just couldn't bring myself to get up from the floor.

The distance between who I am and who I want to become feels impossible to cross. I keep waiting for something to change, for some kind of sign that I'm moving forward, but all I can see are unfinished plans and days that disappear too quickly.

I know I want more from life. I know I want to create, to achieve, to become the person I've always imagined.

Dear bro

I'm sorry.

I know that, more than anyone else, I let you down, and I'm sorry for that.

Thank you for all the beautiful moments you brought into my life. Thank you for every memory, every laugh, every conversation, and even for the moments that seemed ordinary at the time but became so important to me.

I know that leaving without being able to explain everything will probably hurt, and I'm sorry for  that, too.

I just want you to remember that none of the good things in my life would have been the same without you.

No matter how much time passes, I hope you never forget the memories we shared together.

And please, never forget this: you are an amazing person and a truly beautiful human being.

Reason 4:

I hate it when people joke about depression. The truth is that you can never really know if someone around you is suffering from it because, sometimes, they don't even realize how comforting feelings like loneliness and sadness can become, or how desperately they wish they could be different.

And I swear, I've tried everything, but I'm tired of myself.

Depression hides so well that it slowly convinces you that you are the problem. It makes you believe that you're a terrible person for not trying harder, even when you're already giving everything you have.

The hardest part is that it changes the way you see yourself. It turns every mistake into proof that you're not good enough and every failure into another reason to give up. And you convince yourself that tomorrow is going to be different, but tomorrow never comes.

Dear Dany,

You were one of my closest friends, and that's why this hurts so much.

I was always there for you, but when I needed you the most, I felt completely alone.

I'm sorry that I couldn't give you all my attention while I was dealing with my own problems, but the hardest part is knowing that you didn't even notice how much I was struggling.

It's funny because you hurt me so many times, and I still stayed. I kept forgiving you because you were my friend, and I thought our friendship was stronger than everything else.

And I just want to say, fuck you.

Reason 5:

The fact that, at every social event, you have to rely on anti-anxiety medication just to feel comfortable says more than most people realize.

You take it so your hands won't shake when someone's voice suddenly gets louder. You take it so you won't have to rush to the bathroom just to calm yourself down. You take it so you can think clearly and remind yourself that not everyone hates you, especially when those people are your family or the people closest to you.

It's exhausting to constantly fight against your own thoughts while trying to act as if everything is ’’normal’’.

Dear mom and dad

It’s like laughing in the dark, you know?

It feels safe, being alone.

It feels like I am in control

I wish I could just be free of being limited in my own sick, “childish world”

But instead I hate being alone

I hate the way I am

I hate being like this

I hate no one

Cause I have no one around to hate

Just because hating is an easy feeling

In a place where I don’t have space to raise

Doesn’t mean the hunger isn’t filling around my brain

The hunger of showing everyone.

The waiting of your judgy eyes

to spark,

picking up pieces of me

falling apart.

The hunger of screaming

for someone I’m not,

but trying so much to be.

So much that I couldn’t even see

that the rain can’t fall without a storm,

can’t hurt without a fall,

can’t win without a war.

After everything that happened to me, I will finally be able to be at peace, and there's no going back now