Thats not what I meant

*trigger warning of multiple sensitive themes including poor mental health, sexual violence, abuse/gore, self harm, suicidal ideation, drug use and death*

so here it goes..

I actually remember meeting you the morning of 2018 and I never realised, that was the year everything changed.

I got an abortion that year and it hurt more than anything in the world, even more than my own dad molesting me.

I moved to uni thinking that i could do my dream of staying smart and getting a degree but the ache always brought me back to darkness.

I remember meeting cameron for the first time in Edinburgh but i was hoping it was him trying to set us up because I saw you were at the pub with him.

I remember the warmth of his heart, the diregard of what his friends said and despite all, I love him too.

I remember coming to your guys flat and feeling so gone buteven after everything, you were there.

It kills me on the inside that i didnt fucking pick to snapchat you that night.

I remember the night I was out with Iona and Becca approached me to tell me it was okay to go and speak to you at Josh's set, and I know she had the best intentions but my head was fucked up.

I remember Edinburgh.

I remember the "oh you're still here" and when you asked if i was living under a rock, and when you were playing fortnight I disengaged and thought of only us in that room.

I remember the day when you were due to go back to Aberdeen and I just wanted to stay in the flat with you or get you outside to the park with the other guys.

I think I asked something about the speaker to get you to come outside, but now I realise you felt that wretching too.

I remember that killing feeling when you got together with Becca and the longing when you guys stayed so strong for 6 years. How strong she stayed for you.

I remember Penny's birthday and when we were at some random flat, and I asked for the joint, but i kept snapping back to reality to watch you in the opposite room.

I remember the day you patted my head in Edinburgh and you said something like you’ll be fine.

I remember not realising you left for Aberdeen but when i found out i was so fucking sad.

I remember taking too many ket holes, too making too many keys to broken locks and too much time. I remember the night I took the powdered 2cb and how I split the room.

I now know it was because I was molested that I had that trip.

I remember seeing you in mutliple rooms and doors and I wish that I could go back there. But in reality, time is spent not given.

I remember coming out of my trip and cameron saying something like "well that was uncomfortable” and I was scared of touch again.

I remember the dull ache of cameron trying his hardest to pick up the pieces of me but nothing would fix me…

I will always be fixated on you so here i go again;

I remember when we smoked a pipe of weed at Grace's birthday and you were showing me how to do it.

Awkard fucker I am.

I remember a massive room opening like a bubble. I remember you being there and hearing your voice and your colour was yellow.

I remember even further back but the simplicity of words could not describe that feeling.

I remember when you left the room and someone phoned an ambulance, I dont know really what happened but I held myself down.

I remember the night i met Jahed and I rembered how rough love can be, how sore it can take you and how broken it can leave you.

I remember passing you by all over town and being too embarrassed to say anything to you.

I knew you were still with Becca, but with each episode I always start with the thought of you and end with the thought of you.

Mostly i remember that snapchat you sent me saying something like "its okay, sophie you got this”.

I've been numb since the age of around two. All I've ever wanted is real love. To love someone and be loved in return.

I don't want to fuck around any more. I am willing to live without you but that just brings me back: one step closer to death.

As if I could live happily but there will always be the wretching “what if” inside my chest. I think you are my “why”.

I tried 3 years ago and so what I'm really asking is can we be friends atleast?

but thats not what i meant to say what I meant was:

I'd die infinitely to feel the depths of your pain. No longer dying to be free but to just die being adored by you.

We found each other in desolance. I sat in solitude merely dancing, beating-heachache, deprived of purity, clarity - water. You were armless leggless, with a beating heart that only I could hear, though the distant abrasive chatter held the rooms in dead bass. Beat drop after beat drop: beating ears, dropping internal tears and zoning into a peaceful presence.. I phase in and I'm upstairs cheeks sucking, legs trembling as my core carries the composure of rhythmic pulses around his cock. I grit my teeth for now, I am clumsily spreading my legs for yet another rush of meaningless sex. After, yet to be another year older, I take another drag; another inhale of cancerous smoke that I hope one day will bring me to my gory end. A decision that I had carried with me for the past 15 years and at the very least, 10 more yearning-years of craving life’s most simple pleasure - rest.

So what I mean is I will live for you, I would die for you and it kills me on the inside but i can not live without you:

As you inhale, I will exhale.