ILL-CONSIDERED

She wondered how she ever got to this point, having these thoughts. This is not who she is, but who she’s become. It’s pure madness, but she doesn’t see any other way out. She doesn’t want to become a story on dateline. She has no family, no money and no power but you can’t be in a hurry. She has to think about this. She can’t write anything down. She cannot leave a paper trail. She cannot google anything on her computer. She can’t buy anything incriminating especially at Walmart they got great cameras and video. Ring doorbell is everywhere, we’ve become a society of being watched. She thinks maybe if she writes it down on one piece of paper so there’s no indentation underneath and keeps it in a safe place till she’s done and then burns it. Will that work, she wonders? How do you plan things without making a list of what you’re planning? No, leave nothing to chance. So what’s the perfect murder? How do you get away with it? There’s so many options which one should she choose? Definitely not the one where you are there and find the body, she just can’t fake crying. They’re gonna know. Add another note to self: do not involve anybody else. Do not tell anyone else, don’t show your true feelings to the intended, and absolutely do not Google anything about it .Don’t take out insurance, some of these criminals are so stupid. She can always change her mind, no harm done. She has a lot of knowledge of murder because she watches a lot of shows and reads a lot of books and not just recently because her library is all about murder stories. Her brother said she’s going to die a violent death because of it. Like what does he know? He’s never worked a day in his life. He’s 42 and always finds a woman to take care of him. One of these days. One of these women is going to take care of him if you know what I mean. Maybe he’ll die the violent death. She wonders how this all started. It was just another job, but it really wasn’t. It was quite different. She had a cleaning business and this was just another client an old lonely man and they became friendly over the years, but the difference is he had absolutely no family, his wife passed away no children, no friends. I mean, who has absolutely nobody?No wonder he was an opinionated, racist man so what did you expect? The job wasn’t a lot of work so very easy and half the job was conversation mostly on his part. She didn’t touch bathrooms or the kitchen and he paid her cash. She actually enjoyed his stories of his time in Vietnam. She did find they were similar in some ways. They both came from the same city, were both the same nationality and I think he’d like to reminisce and she had similar experiences. Then he would make her lunch. He would always have a candy bar with her money. He didn’t even ask her if she liked this candy bar, she didn’t, so every week she gave it away. Sometimes he took her out for lunch, always paid, but he was a cheap son of a bitch in all all the ways. Then he started dictating how she should spend her money, so she stopped telling him anything she did or spent her money on. Then one day he tells her you know I’m gonna leave everything to you and he was the biggest braggart of how much money he had. He lived in a modest house. He paid cash for everything. He didn’t have a charge card. He had absolutely no credit he bought a $70,000 car and paid cash for it. He told every thing about his financial situation even showed her where he hid his money one day she counted it and it was $31,000 but she thinks he tempted her a few times by putting hundred dollar bills in funny spots like they just dropped and of course she always gave it to him and I think that was why he did it. If he only knew, she would’ve absolutely kept it and it was her first thought, but she knew it was a test. You hear those stories about people who die and have so much money. He just didn’t spend it. He just really loved a nice new car every couple of years. He would walk around with a hat and coat on in the winter inside his house because he didn’t want to turn the heat up. He still had braided rugs and old furniture from the 50s. He did like to gamble though. And when she went on vacation for two weeks and when she came back, he told her she can’t do that again because he really needs her and he couldn’t do anything for himself.. That made her upset because she needs to go on vacation like you can’t make a bed by yourself or pick up a broom. What could possibly go wrong in two weeks for 1 person by himself to make. For the love of God she’s only the cleaning lady! So the years passed and she started to resent him. She was hoping when she got there every week that maybe he passed on, but no one would even know about it because he did not have anybody but her. He constantly bragged about his money and she wanted it. This was his fault, he dangled the carrot on the end of the stick. He was the golden goose. Then he started acting a little inappropriately towards her in some of the things he was saying, but it really didn’t bother her. She didn’t think anything of it. He just was trying to brag about his younger years. She just kept thinking of the money. He was in his 80s now had a lot of health issues some serious and she’s not a bad person but she just wished I mean nobody would miss him but her and even she wouldn’t really miss him. She thought of pushing him down that flight of wooden stairs in his kitchen. Like would that be good enough, what if he survived and she would just leave like normal and he told the police. I mean every week her car was in his driveway same day, same time. So she can’t linger any longer waiting to see if he passes on to the next life. Nothing can be out of the ordinary. She thought of poisoning his food, but that’s always detectable and what would she really use? She doesn’t know anything about that kind of stuff. She’s not a killer she believes in God, and the six commandment. Well, her greediness was prioritized over her religion. She just decided that she’s not writing anything down. She knows how she’s gonna do it, it’s going to be spur of the moment. No planning just get up one day and say this is it and do it. So she should’ve known it’s Friday the 13th nothing good could happen on this day. She gets there, not thinking anything different on this day and she comes downstairs from cleaning upstairs and he’s standing in the doorway at the top of the old wooden stairs with big bundle of laundry. She didn’t even have to think about it was just like do it. It’s perfect. It’s asking to be done. She gives him one giant push. She can’t take it back. It’s so surreal. She watches him tumble down those stairs, but she can’t hear anything. It’s happening in slow motion almost, then it’s done. So that expression anything can happen in the blink of an eye, it just did. She stands there thinking, thoughts are going through her mind like a movie in fast forward. It’s fine there’s no proof. The first thing she does, she goes into his desk and takes all the cash that he brags to her every week about having. She uses her dusting rag to open the desk, she grabs the cash, careful not to have her print anywhere inside the desk because she it has no reason to be there. She doesn’t count it her heart is beating so fast. She wishes a do over, too late she thinks. She’s not sure what to do next because she did not plan this. She looks at the time. She has about 20-30 minutes. That’s usually the time she leaves every week give or take a few. She goes back to the door and looks down and he’s not moving, but she should make sure first before she leaves. She feels an internal resistance to making sure he’s not breathing. What if he is oh my God what is she to do? She apprehensively goes down the wooden stairs she is absolutely terrified, she’s shaking uncontrollably and she can actually feel her heart beating in her chest. She caused this. This is her fault. She should’ve just taken her money and gone home like she does it every week. She steps off the bottom step and stands there a few feet away staring at him, afraid to do anything, he is lying face up and the blanket, ( hopefully the cause of his death, according to the police) he was carrying tangled across his broken body, his eyes are closed. She’s daunted but takes a few steps to see if he is breathing, she trips over the comforter and falls on top of him, her face landing on his chest and there it is what she feared the most, his heartbeat.