I KNOW YOU

Don’t you remember me?

The same beautiful face and new tired memories. Who are you and what happened to you? You look like a worn out shirt…hidden in the corner. I know you from just a few years ago. Loud smile, soft face, kindness over everything. What needs to affect a person so hard to become unrecognizable, but again somehow the same? Does that make sense at all? I believe it makes sense only after… it’s always that after. After rains, people, events, past, present and unpredictable future. It’s always that “after”. How would it be if I could just open one small piece of the future and see how it would look like. Will I be the same person I used to be before? I lost all of myself. All things which make me who I am transformed and reflected into darkness. Do you know who I am? I am the one who dive into the universums. I am the one who is counting stars and chasing constellations. I am the one who is still desperately trying to find old pieces of me. Where are they and are they all gone? Some old friends, colleagues still remember me and speak about my loud laughter. They always say that I have addictive laughter. How can I get it back? Choices are around us. Sometimes they are randomly chosen. Maybe I was chosen randomly. And I let it be. It used to be natural and I would say it was easy to be happy and smile without thinking “Oh, I should smile on that one”. Smiles are simply part of personality and natural like walking or breathing. Now it’s different. Now they have different theories. Sometimes it’s difficult to make it. It’s easier to keep a serious stiff face and be arrogant. But I would say that arrogance is not natural. That would rather be a smile. Why is it so hard then? If I could meet you now I would advise you. So today, I can promise you, you will be the same as years ago. I would tell you “Don’t go left”, “Don’t let them approach you”, “Stay home “. But that wasn’t possible and it never will be. I remember you. I can’t forget you. I know when you arrived. You used to own the room. You used to own the road you walked on. You used to win with laughter. And that’s what it was all about… laugh. And years after you are unrecognizably yourselves. Maybe that’s growing up, metamorphosing during different lifetime cycles. That’s modification throughout life and the sun’s reflection to the moon. Or maybe it’s not like that. Maybe that’s just poor speculation to soothe people when things get difficult.

At some point people realize that loneliness isn’t the way. That’s what happened to you. You realized that the food you cook alone in the kitchen doesn’t have enough seasonings. You realized that the food you eat misses another person’s comment. You realized that the bed you sleep in suddenly is too big. And convinced that’s all accurate you let the people in the life as testers without knowledge that they can stay. From one random point to the major lifetime changes. This is where people transform. You either reborn or die forever. But there’s also a middle. That’s a hopeful and hopeless one at the same time. Through the endless nights you found yourself. In the blank pages you found your home. You are fighting hard and sometimes in trails you still can see small pieces of old yourself. And there's hope. At some point I will be back. Maybe old. Maybe tired. But I will be back. All life we spend traveling just before it ends to go back to our roots. In that case it’s better to create new roots.

I will find you and take you home. In the deep night where you belong colors are different. You found your spot and the way to be happy. At first glance seems like the spot has been chosen randomly. Without questions we confirmed with silence. That's how we were born. It could be a gift or homework. With invisible threads you will make it count. With static parallels for the first time the equation will be clear. And I will recognize you. After all, you actually haven’t changed. Changes didn’t happen to you. Life did. That’s all the inevitability and cruel reality. Or maybe it’s just a longing for past times, distant youth and carefreeness.

It’s scary to spend life longing for something that isn’t coming back. And after waking up with a wrinkly face. At that point you will realize that you shouldn’t worry, you shouldn’t question or analyze but simply live and be present in the moment. You can spend life existing because you decided to live in the past or the future. I know you. You can achieve everything you desire and much more than that. Why do you live in the unpredictability of the future? Why do you say results before you even calculate? Be in the present and make that count. In the silent night you will wake up and realize how alive you are. Feel the cool breeze and feel loved. Kiss me and make me alive. Passion fades and love stays. Can it become so monotone to end? The future is obsessed with unpredictable outcomes.

And I am here… staring at the night and counting stars…but the sky is empty. I can’t find even one to shine. But maybe they are just too far away so I can’t see them. But I feel that they are there. They are showering me with magical invisible dust. And I feel good. I feel free. There’s something calming in the summer nights. It’s like a staycation, getting away and coming back stronger for everything that brings tomorrow. I deeply breathe in and say “I will come back. Maybe not the same as I was before as life became different. But I will find something to enjoy that will make me happy the same as it was before.”

Every stage of life brings different perspectives and happiness. There’s so many reasons to be sad, but there’s more reasons to be happy. So I will meet my old self again and I will no longer long to come back to where I was, but I will enjoy in what I have now. I will understand that the point of life is not comparing life how it used to be before or what it could be, but it’s now. Now is all that matters. Take your “now” and breathe it, eat it, train it, sleep it, drink it, travel it until it’s time… time to go.