The Celestial Snack-cident

Up in the sky, in the dead of night, lies a domain lost to legend and spoken stories. A once powerful realm that guided sailors and cartographers to exploration and discovery. But for the last two hundred years, there has been one force throwing off the balance of the night sky, and that force is Cassiopeia.

Something must be done, and soon.

“ORIOOOOON!” The Major Ursa calls, the Minor his shy echo.

The High Court is composed of Polaris, the Great North Star; Draco, the Great One’s little guard dragon; Ursa Major and Minor, his right (and left) hands; and Cepheus.

No one talks about Cepheus.

In swings Orion, his starry form dripping with celestial sweat, a sign of how overworked he is as Polaris’s little gather-er. His belt barely hanging onto one hip, and his bow haphazardly thrown across his right shoulder. He stands at attention in front of the throne of burnt-out stars, ready for the Great One’s latest fetch quest.

The throne turns ever so slowly, the chatter of the court dying out as Orion kneels, eyes trained on a speck of dust on the floor. The air becomes heavier as the weight of Polaris’s power expands through the room. The throne turns…

”Orion…”

In the throne is a ball of light, no bigger than a basketball. Draco, the divine lapdog sits on the seat of the throne, a hand of golden light stroking across his navy blue scales.

Polaris forms another hand and grabs Orion by the top of his starry toga, forcing him to his feet. He pats him on the back and dusts his knees off.

“What’s up my guy? So look, Cassie has been on the rage for awhile, and I need YOU to figure out why exactly she won’t chill the hell out. If she keeps terrorizing the cosmos, the twins Gemini won’t wanna come over anymore to party, and I can't LIVE without those mini-tinis they make. The little bit of pink and blue shimmer always makes me REALLY feel like a king…” Polaris rambles. Orion always hated his shrill, whiney voice.

Ursa Major rolls his moonlit eyes and elbows the star. ”…And the rising tides, and also the imbalance of the day and night cycle? What about the crops that’ll perish when the earth is inevitably thrown into eternal night?”

Polaris burns pink. “Haha.. ha. Yeah, that’s true, too. Anyway, Orion, it’s really, like REALLY important to stop her little tantrum. Go figure out what’s causing it, fix it, and return to me. Maybe, I’ll let you come to a Gemini party?”

”GEMINI PARTY, WOOP WOOP!” Ursa Minor echoes. Polaris returns to a golden hue.

Orion glances at the Great North Star, then to Minor with a blank, slightly irritated look before pinching his brow with his fingers and sighing. “Okay, so where do I need to look first? I’m not going on a wild goose chase looking for—“

The glass roof crashes down above the court as a boulder the size of a car lands in front of Ursa Major. Ursa Minor hides behind Major, and Draco swirls around Polaris, fangs bared as if he’s about to gnaw the rock to death.

Polaris gold light gives way to red. “I’d start with the flower garden, and I SWEAR TO— well, ME that if she burned my PEONIES THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY!”

Another smaller boulder gets launched into the roof, hitting Draco and chipping his right fang.

“MOTHER— okay, Orion go make her happy again, PLEASE.”

Orion rolls his eyes as he fakes a salute to Polaris. “Aye, Captain.”

——————————————

Outside, Polaris’s decapitated peonies lay on the ground and the Cassiopeia’s towering form wreaks havoc. Her hands have formed into scythes of night, ripping up the precious garden. In the distance is a clear path of destruction, as if an earthly tornado has left its permanent path in the ground. The source of the boulders has been made clear, as all that remains of the royal birdbath is a rather large beak and a broken wing.

Orion inches closer to the giantess, dodging rocks and roots as her tirade continues. Over what’s left of the birdbath, under the tree that is barely held in place by a tangle of wisteria ripped from a gaudy gazebo. Orion draws his bow as he gets closer.

But as he approaches, on Cassiopeia’s shoulder is a constellation Orion never would have guessed to see again.

“Cepheus.” He mutters with disgust.

Cepheus was on the High Court as Polaris’s personal guard before attempting to usurp the throne. Polaris loves to paint a picture of a bloody battle—a real story for the ages. In reality, as chill and nonchalant as the star is, the “battle” was over as soon as it started. And that’s how everyone on the court found out how powerful Polaris truly was. Cepheus was forced between being a prisoner or an exile, and he chose to run away. His wife, Cassiopeia, looked down on him with shame, and she was punished briefly for her husband’s act of cowardice. Very briefly. Polaris always had eyes, well, a light for her.

But that was a while ago. That couldn’t have set off this chaos she’s been causing, much less explain why he was working with her. She stayed loyal to the Great North Star.

Orion sneaks out from under the gazebo and inches toward the pair. As he grows closer, he notices something in Cepheus’s hand.

A fishing pole. With a damn peanut butter cup on the end.

Orion freezes in disbelief and chuckles. “Ah… o…kay?” She’s always been quite… immature.

Cepheus notices Orion and ducks behind Cassiopeia’s head. She stops in her tracks when the fishing pole retreats, and starts to shrink. The peanut butter cup on a string is cast up behind her, and dangles right in front of her face, enraging her again. She starts kicking up rock and roots toward Orion, who swiftly manages to dodge the onslaught of debris. Orion pulls his bow from his shoulder and equips an arrow. He pulls back on the string and aims, waiting for Cepheus to pop his cowardly little head out.

Peek, pop, miss. Cepheus dodges the first arrow as Orion notches another.

A faint, childish taunt is thrown out from behind Cassiopeia’s head as the arrow lodges into the dirt behind them. “Oh, the GREAT archer missed his shot! Daddy Polaris must be so disappointed in his little ERRAND BOY!”

Orion’s steely and calm personality never wavers. He aims his arrow, chanting something under his breath while the arrow swirls blue around the tip. He waits for Cepheus to peek out, and releases.

POP! Right between the eyes, a forcefield around the sharp tip blunts the arrow and bursts into a pop of navy and electric blue starburst. Cepheus stumbles backwards off of Cassiopeia’s shoulder, and lands on the dirt behind them, knocking his breath out. He’s still alive, but incapacitated. Cassiopeia starts to calm and shrink once again, the aggravator out of range.

Orion rushes over and chants over Cepheus, entangling his hands and wrists in the same blue light from the arrow. The fishing pole is taken from him and thrown on Orion’s back, Cepheus thrown over the contralateral shoulder. Cassiopeia has shrunk back down into her more typical constellation form, head in her hands, tears streaming from her nighttime eyes.

“Take me to Polaris, I know I’ve done wrong. Cepheus came up to my chamber one night and tempted me with mortal food, as ignorant as it sounds. I’ll accept any punishment deserved, but I would request a lock change.” She shoots a look at Cepheus.

She shows Orion her wrists and he binds her the same way as Cepheus, but she walks behind him as they return to the High Court.

——————————————

Back at the Court, Cassiopeia and Cepheus kneel in front of the glowing red Great North Star and Libra, The Scales of Justice; one with grace, and the other with contempt. After listening to both sides of the story (Cepheus’s side boiled down to “getting back at Polaris for exiling him”), Polaris threw Cepheus in the Celestial Bastille. He gave him a chance to live free, but after two hundred years of terror with him being the mastermind of it, Polaris sentenced verbatim, “No shot.”

As for Cassiopeia (Polaris being easier because he likes her… A LOT), her locks were swapped with a protection spell placed by Orion, and twenty years in solitary confinement in her room with a perpetually full bowl of peanut butter cups and chocolate bars. As far as divine punishments go, that’s a time-out with a treat.

After the perpetrators are dismissed, Polaris’s light bloats and shrinks, almost a sigh of relief that the mess is over. He returns to his typical golden shine with a slow crackle.

“Now that everything is wrapped up in a neat, little bow, can someone see if Gemini are available tonight?”