Only the Trees Know

Trigger Warning- Contains topics of kidnapping/abduction, attempted kidnapping, stalking, violence, physical restraint, choking, predatory behavior, manipulation framed as protection, psychological manipulation, coercion, grooming themes, loss of agency, fear responses, religious trauma, moral corruption, inherited trauma, mental illness, dissociation, obsession with true crime, blood, injury, detailed gore, cannibalism, and blurred victim/perpetrator roles.

When I was younger, I would always ask my mom questions about her kidnapping. She would often tell me how it made her feel, but that is not what I wanted to know. I wanted to learn exactly what they did and what made them do it. I’ve always been fascinated by the kidnappers’ perspective, not my mother's. Everyone always asks how the victim is feeling, but no one ever talks about the perpetrator. In my head, I’ve always envisioned my face ending up on a milk carton, because I decided to not listen to my mom when she told me “Don’t talk to strangers,” or when she said “Don’t go into the woods late at night,” but that’s almost impossible to do when you live in the middle of Dawes county. Dawes County is practically in the middle of nowhere. It’s surrounded by trees, making it a perfect place to disappear. It isn’t that I wanted to vanish, I just believed that it was my destiny. I felt like it was inevitable, and every day that fate gets closer. At least that’s what I believed at twelve. Now, at twenty-four, I feel overjoyed that I never did vanish, although there was one time when I came dangerously close. Being young and dumb meant I confused recklessness for inevitability.

When I was around thirteen, I had a group of friends from school, but my family was extremely religious, so if they weren’t from the church, they weren’t allowed. I would always question my mom, “Why do I have to avoid them? If God loves them unconditionally, why can’t I?” She would just sigh and tell me that “God’s love hasn’t fully reached them yet, which means you can’t fully love them either.” I still haven’t figured out what that sentence meant. If God’s love is conditional, then it isn’t love. Instead of listening to my mother, I would sneak out to see my friends. I still wish that my religion didn’t play such a big role in my life. I’ve since then backed away from that part of me, or maybe God turned his back on me first.

By the time I turned fifteen, I had snuck out more times than I could count on both of my hands combined. So this was just another day that ended in “Y” for me. I slid out the crack of the window, climbed up the vines, and over the fence. I met my friends in the woods, and made sure to have my phone and earbuds for my music. Once I started walking, I turned on Ethel Cain, because her story felt parallel to mine. I walked deeper and deeper into the forest, thinking my friends had forgotten to meet me. I checked my phone for texts. “Shit, no service,” I said, following a heavy sigh. When I turned to leave, they were right behind me, “Oh my god, I thought you guys forgot.” My friend Margot pulled a small box out of her back pocket to reveal a pack of cigarettes. So we walked and smoked until walking became unbearable, so we sat and talked. My lungs were already past the point of repair, so what was two or three more cigarettes? I’m not sure if you can tell, but my motto at the time was “You only live once.” Since then, I’ve come to recognize that it is more important to understand that you only die once.

It had just turned 2:13 a.m when we finally separated. I stayed back for a bit to listen to more Ethel Cain, which felt fitting in this part of the woods. When I finally started walking back home, it was 2:47 a.m, but in my defense, her songs are super long. I had lost track of time, and my friends were all gone. Luckily, the cigarettes that Margot gave me kept me awake. It was way past the time I would normally stay out, but people usually walked the forest at night, so I wasn’t too worried. However, that was only until I noticed that on the path where my friends' footsteps were last seen, there were footsteps I didn’t recognize. Upon further investigation, I noticed that the footsteps were going in the direction of my house. It unlocked a part of me that I had always longed to experience: adrenaline. Up until this day, nothing like that had happened in the forest, not to me anyway. I had no choice but to follow the strange footsteps, because that was the only way back home. Not only that, but I was in a time crunch, because my mom would wake up every night at 3:55 a.m on the dot to check on my siblings and me.

As I checked the time, twenty minutes had already passed. I had to stop being scared and stop procrastinating, so I began walking in the same direction as the strange steps. When I started walking, I heard something beside me, rustling in the bushes. I had hoped it was just an animal and proceeded to walk faster until I heard something behind me. I ran until I was almost out of the forest, but whatever it was, it was hungry. Hungry to find me. I didn’t know what to do, so I ran until I couldn’t run anymore. When I finally stopped running, I hid behind a bush to catch my breath. As soon as I stopped, something grabbed me. “You know, little girls like you shouldn’t be in the woods this late?” A man whispered to me while covering my mouth. As I kicked and screamed, I was just further put into a chokehold. Not knowing what to do, I kicked him in the crotch, and he winced in pain, lessening his grip on me. I kicked again, but this time I kicked his knee, and he fell. I could tell he was older despite his body having abnormally strong muscles. I ran until I got home, then sprinted to hop the fence, and rushed to try and get through the crack of my window.

I had entered the window just in time, as it was 3:52 a.m now. I was sweating, hyperventilating, and crying. I had almost gotten kidnapped. I lay in bed with my dirt-ridden clothes and tried to fall asleep. When my mom came in for her nightly check, I prayed she would walk over to me so I could cry in her arms, but she just left. Another part of me rejoiced, because I would’ve gotten caught sneaking out if she had approached me. After that experience, I had a feeling I wouldn’t be sneaking out any time soon. Up until now, the woods were just the woods. Now, when I think about the woods, my spine tingles with fear. I sweat at the thought of sneaking out, because the memories are filled with the fear of being taken.

Fast forward a couple of years, I then went to college for Criminology. I wanted to understand the perpetrators' motives and their backgrounds. I finally began to understand the answers to the questions I asked my mom so long ago. It intrigued me. I completed internships to ask killers certain questions. This always made me excited for a new case, so excited that I’d go home and think about it until my brain got exhausted, and I had to go to bed. I’d watch true crime when I ate, I’d listen to podcasts in the car, always replaying the conversations in my mind. I wanted to get into the brain of a kidnapper. As they always say, if you can’t beat them, join them. More children started to go missing, so I looked into their cases. All the same strategies, first muzzled, then strangled, then chopped into pieces. There was something strange about them, though. There were bite marks on each of the girls' right legs and left arms. We weren’t sure why they would do this, but what we did know was that it was on every girl who went missing in Nebraska.

When I would study these cases, it made me want to go out at night to investigate what was going on. So despite being told “Do not go into the woods,” and “Do not interfere with our plans.” The hard-headed, stubborn little girl inside of me had to. One day, I went out, and I wore all black and some stealthy tennis shoes, so I could stay hidden. I saw some kids, and they looked about the age I was when I almost got snatched. I stayed behind a tree and watched for a bit, until the girls started dispersing. Soon, only one girl was there, and my brain told me to go over to her and warn her. When I started walking towards her, I saw someone lurking far away in my peripheral vision. After seeing this, I ran and grabbed her. I covered her mouth and sprinted with her in my arms. “I’m going to get you out of here,” I whispered to her quickly. She was screaming, so I grabbed her harder and forced my glove into her mouth.

For some reason, it felt good, it felt natural. I took her to a different part of the woods, and I put her down. Squatting down to her height, I said, “Sweetie, don’t you know little girls like you shouldn't be in the woods this late?” She slowly nodded her head yes, tears still rolling down her face. I told her I would take her to get food and get her cleaned up. I thought to myself, “Silly girl, there are no restaurants open right now.” I told her that I was there to protect her, so I took her to my house to stay safe, and then told myself I would take her home in the morning. My mind was running a million thoughts per second, “Am I really going to take this girl home?” “Do I want to succumb to this level?” But the thought that really overcame my brain is “What would my mom think?” Unfortunately, it never fully consumed my mind, so I took her home and got her cleaned up. I made sure I powered her phone off as the perpetrators did in my cases. I wouldn't want anyone to find out what I had done.

I took her and duct-taped her to a chair, but still secured her with a rope around her waist just to be sure. I made sure to remove her shoes so she couldn’t stomp on the ground, and I gave her socks so even if she tried, she wouldn’t make a lot of noise. She whimpered and asked me over and over, “Why, how could you do this to me? I thought you were supposed to protect me?” I just sighed and told her, “It’s all a part of the process, honey,” and I went into the other room, and I sat quietly by myself, repeating that statement in my head. “It’s all a part of the process.” Until suddenly I wondered to myself, “What is this process that I keep talking about?”

My thoughts got interrupted by a sound in the kitchen. I walked out there to find the chair knocked over on the floor. I asked her, “What do you think you’re doing? Are you trying to escape?” This girl must have taken me for a joke, I asked her, “What is your name?” She replied with “Evelyn.” I said, “Evelyn, if you ever want to get out of here, you’re going to do what I say. This is not a game!” She silently nodded her head yes, so I picked up the chair with her in it and sat her upright. I went back and put duct tape over her mouth to ensure she would stay quiet. I then went back to my room and argued with my thoughts.

Being in that college class, learning the mindset, and being able to ask the perpetrators questions brought me to a point of obsession. I was going insane trying to be the star student. If I could just get into the mindset of the kidnapper, I could truly understand them. I’ve always strived to be a straight-A student, and for once, I was slacking. I convinced myself that this would help me exceed the rest of the class, and all I had to do now was figure out how to dispose of her once I killed her. “Was I even going to kill her?” Was the real question. At first, I thought I was just going to kidnap her, but now I was starting to think I couldn’t stop myself from going further.

After I stopped pacing, I suddenly realized it was quiet, too quiet. When I walked back out, she was gone. “Where did she go?” I wondered. I hadn’t even finished the process yet, and she had already escaped. I had already failed. I thought to myself, “Maybe I’m not cut out for this life.” I paced back and forth in my living room, looking out the window. All I could do now was run away, so I wouldn’t get caught. There was a part of me that felt fear of being caught, but there was also a part of me that felt relieved at the thought of telling my story. Even though I could have been caught any second, all I could think about was how close I was to finally answering that ambiguous question, “Why did they do what they did?”

Confession Statement Page 4 of 4 at 23:43:36pm