The Path

“Oh shit, did you see that?!”

The man stepped away from the counter mid-coffee order, and toward the floor to ceiling windows that faced the busy downtown street.

The others in line raised their heads from their phones to look out. They saw a large truck, the kind that carries beer and sodas, and several dozen feet in front of it a crumpled bicycle with the body of a young man nearby. His face was turned to the high blue skies framed by the boxy shadows of the city buildings, one arm and leg unnaturally bent beneath him.

People on the street stood stunned, shocked out of their private worlds.

“That dude’s gotta be dead,” muttered one man, standing across the street and holding his phone out to capture the scene.

The driver of the truck shouted while he climbed down from the cab. His arms rose and fell, pleading to no one and also to everyone who was there to see.

“He just flew out in front of me, I couldn’t have seen him!”

An idle construction worker at the far end of the block heard the screech of the truck’s brakes, dropped his "Slow" sign and moved toward the young man, walking quickly at first, but then breaking into a sprint. His unbuttoned fluorescent yellow and orange vest flapped and flew, looking like wings as he got closer to the broken body. It was instinctive, with no thoughts between what he'd witnessed and his own movement.

A small crowd had formed around the young man, and someone had already called 911. The people were afraid to touch him, worried that whatever state he was in, if he wasn't already dead, would be made worse by anything they might do. The construction worker broke through the throng and kneeled next to him. He removed his hard hat and took the hand of the young man into his own hands.

"I'm here, you're not alone," the construction worker said slightly above a whisper into the young man's ear. "Stay with me."

The young man's eyes cracked and were barely open.

The worker saw on the young man's navy blue uniform shirt a monogrammed cursive name, "Cal".

"I'm here Cal, please stay with me," and squeezed the young man's hand.

Cal's eyes fluttered and closed.

*********************************************************

"We can't keep the truth from him, babe. He needs to be prepared if the treatment didn’t work. He's old enough to know what death is, and that its a part of life."

Cal's mother sat in the hospital bed, clear-eyed and stoic as ever. She never beat around the bush, a fact of her that Cal's father loved but sometimes left him feeling raw and exposed.

He sat next to her, bent over with his head in his hands.

“You’re right, I know,” replied Cal’s father quietly.

There was a knock at the door, a brief pause, and in walked a doctor. He was unusually tall, but with an easy demeanor that put his patients at ease.

“Good morning,” the doctor said. Normally he’d be able to smile, but he carried news with him that left his face taut and somber.

**********************************************

Cal saw a twisted figure encircled by a crowd, as though he were in the air looking down.

He noticed the brightly vested man kneeling next to the body, and saw that he had a tattoo on the inside of his forearm. It was an angel, ornate, beautifully done. The angel was clasping her hands over her heart.

Cal felt tenderness toward the stranger, deep gratitude and love.

Immediately Cal felt himself being accelerated upwards as if aboard a rocket hurtling into the sky. He could see the city falling away, then the ocean, then the planet came into full view. The sun was pure brightness, the moon a silver specter in the distance, and so many stars. He felt exhilaration, a fullness of being as if he were the sun, the moon, all that he could see and all that he could not.

The acceleration seemed to increase and Cal was suddenly in a void, like the darkness seen behind closed eyes, but with a texture and depth. There was no fear, but instead deep stillness and calm. A pinpoint of light in what seemed the distance began to grow more luminous as though Cal and it were moving closer together. The light began to envelop him and he felt warm and comforted.

****************************************************

"He's doing okay, all things considered," said Cal's father to his therapist. "It’s been a little under a year so still really new for us, of course. He's holding steady in school, has a few other kids he talks to, but not super social. He doesn't talk much about her, other than to remind me I can't cook anywhere near as good as she did." A little smile appeared on his face.

The therapist smiled back.

"Cal's always been a quiet kid, never really gives you a whole lot of what he's feeling. He's more comfortable with things that are like facts, kinda like she was."

The therapist nodded attentively. "How does he spend his time outside of school? Does he have any hobbies? Maybe you guys can find something to do together, maybe help him find a way to share more of his feelings with you?"

"He always liked riding his bike. When she was alive all three of us would ride together once a week or so around our neighborhood. Now that she's gone we don't go together as often, she was kinda the driving force, she wanted to make sure I got some exercise."

"The last time me and Cal went, he kept speeding up on me. I can't say for sure, but I think he meant to try to get away from me. He's getting to that age, so I know he won't always want to be around me." He let out a soft sigh.

He continued, a little more brightly. "He's really gotten into cycling, though. There's a really big landfill they capped years ago pretty close to our house. They made it into a park with lots of cycling paths, paved and off-road. Between all of them you can almost get lost in the place. I think that's why he likes to go there."

"And the garage has turned into a bike shop!" Cal's father smiled a little and chuckled. "He likes tinkering and is always working on a couple bikes, changing this or that."

The therapist smiled, gently Mmmhmmed, and continued. "If a part doesn't work well, he can do something about it, it’s something real that has an impact he can see. It gives him something he can think through, logically understand, and control. Given the sudden and uncontrollable loss of his mom, I can see why he likes working on the bikes."

"And I think you're right, the riding is probably about getting some independence from you to explore his emotions, maybe find his own peace."

Cal's father nodded, and sat thoughtfully considering what the therapist said.

“He’s been talking to a grief counselor,” Cal’s father said. “She says it’s normal for kids his age to not show a lot of sadness after losing a parent. I do my best to let him know I’m here, when or if he feels like talking.”

A tear welled and slipped from his eye.

“Apart from all the parental stuff, I just feel like I’m waiting for him. I just want to know that he’s ok inside, you know?”

Cal’s father shrugged helplessly, wiping away more tears.

****************************************************

The mountains loomed in the distance, rugged and majestic. Cal found himself standing in a valley, the grass and wildflowers intensely colored. All was washed over in a soft golden light, the light of a clear sunset. A crystal stream ran nearby, the water trickling softly. He turned around to take in the full panorama.

He felt deep contentment, as if all things were in their proper places, with no need for him to think or do. He was simply being a part of a perfect whole, being the stretching of the grass for the sky, being the solidity of the mountains, being the smooth flow of the water.

He walked for a long time, enjoying the freedom he felt in his heart, something he hadn’t felt for so long. No questions, no thoughts to examine and analyze, just pure presence.

He thought he heard a name, his name, and he turned around to see a figure surrounded with a faint golden aura. He knew instantly it was his mother, appearing as she was in the time before she took ill, smiling, beautiful and vibrant.

I missed you, Cal. You won’t be staying here, it’s not your time yet.

Cal felt the words more than he heard them. He felt himself answering without speaking.

Why can’t I stay with you? I miss you so much, I never knew how to be without you. Why did you have to die?

Her face grew tender as if feeling his hurt and confusion.

There are so many people that need the love you have to give, and so much love that will be given to you. I can’t answer your questions, because some questions have no answers. I can tell you that you will experience great pain, but even greater joy waits for you. There is a wonderful path laid for you. Trust what you feel and you will know your way. I love you always, Cal.

Suddenly he found himself on a dirt and gravel road winding toward the peak of a mountain, into the sun. As he raised his hands to shield his eyes, he heard a woman singing, in a voice he knew was not his mother’s. It was sweet and strong, the song itself a delicate and mournful melody that seemed to rise into a feeling like home. He followed the song.

***************************************

“Wait… wait, we got him back… faint pulse now… 27…. 37… getting stronger.”

Cal’s eyes opened to see faces over him, looking down. He felt jostled as the ambulance sped up, slowed for corners, and reaccelerated.

A woman’s voice said “inbound with a 21 year old male, left punctured lung, multiple fractured extremities, possible concussion, we’ve started with …”

Cal stopped listening as the pain began to register, growing stronger, almost everywhere. He was afraid and confused. He closed his eyes again.

The EMTs delivered Cal to the emergency room, where they got him stabilized. It was the start of a long and sometimes painful recovery. His body was broken but his youth helped to mitigate the worst of it, despite the weeks and months bringing with them surgeries, one after another.

***************************************

As he recovered, Cal sometimes saw fragments of golden mountain scenes in his mind. At other times he felt himself flying, seeing the stars and galaxies as if he were passing through space. Sometimes he saw the sky, as if he were looking straight up, with faces looking back at him. Rarely he felt the presence of his mother, slipping in and out of his mind like in a dream, but never before had his dreams been so vivid. He could feel his mother’s love in those fleeting snippets.

These experiences left Cal annoyed at their incoherence and randomness. He thought some were memories, maybe from the accident, but some felt like an altogether different happening. What would cause this? Is my brain ok? On a visit to his neuropsychologist, Cal recounted his experiences to the doctor, hoping that she could find something in the facts to add up to a real-world explanation.    

After asking a few follow-up questions about sleep, violent ideations, and intrusive thoughts, she started her explanation.

“I don’t think you have anything to worry about,” the doctor said, gently patting his shoulder. 

She continued as she crossed the room. "You're imagining things, but that’s ok and understandable, given the trauma of the accident. None of what you’ve been seeing is causing you any distress or stopping your day-to-day activity. We’ve been monitoring your scans, your brain is in great shape, your tests and labs are good. It just might take your mind some time to process it all.” She shrugged slightly.

As he later pondered the doctor’s words, Cal sorted his thoughts and settled on acceptance as the most logical way to think about his situation. They’ve got the equipment, the knowledge, and since they’re checking so many things, if there really was a problem, they would have found it. He’d been healing well, and he’d been wanting to get back to his pre-accident life. He was cleared for light duty at the bike shop, so he could work again. The college granted him leave after the accident and now he was ready to pick up his studies. He might never get to understand what he had experienced, but keeping busy with life would put his thoughts on the real world.

Cal decided it was time to think less about what had happened to him, and to think more about what lay ahead.

***************************************

“You know, Dad, I don’t think I ever thanked you for all you did after the accident,” Cal said, while shifting to an easier gear. The hill wasn’t a tough one, but Cal was still finding his way back to cycling form. They’d already done 10 miles and he was nearing the end of his endurance.

His father, however, was taking the hill with ease. Cal jumped back on a bike as soon as he was well enough to do so, and his father decided to join him. He’d needed the exercise, but really he needed to continue to be close to Cal. While he’d done a great deal to get Cal through his medical ordeal after the accident, he’d always worried more about what Cal was carrying inside.

“I’m here for you, Cal, for anything.” His father looked over at him, while pedaling at what was, for him, a strong cadence. An easy smile came over his face.

The morning was cool, even after the sun had broken above the horizon, bringing rosy light to the path. Cal’s father thought about the years that passed between his wife’s death and Cal’s accident, the 7 years that he wasn’t sure if his son was still feeling life. He knew Cal’s personality was not one to advertise his inner world, but he wanted to know if joy, hope, love was still possible for him. When he saw Cal on his bike that first time since the accident, turning slow circles with a slight smile on his face, he knew it could be.

“Another 5 minutes, then breakfast?” asked Cal’s father.

“Sounds good, can we go to the Heavenly Biscuit Factory? It's a new place I heard about,” answered Cal.

“Yeah, as long as I can get some eggs and bacon,” his father grinned.

They finished the ride, racked the bikes on the car, changed their shoes and got in.

They sat in the car as Cal’s dad punched in the restaurant on his phone to get directions, and Cal looked out of the window into the distance of the park. “I think I saw her somehow, Dad.”

His father still worked on the phone. “Who did you see?”

“I think I saw Mom. After the accident, I used to get these, like flashbacks.”

His father slowly looked over at him and studied his profile as Cal looked out the window.

Cal continued. “I never told you, because it just didn’t make any sense to me, and it still doesn’t. How could something like that be possible? I thought maybe it was something from the accident, but the doctor said my brain is fine.”

His father asked quietly “How did you feel whenever it happened?”

Cal fidgeted in the seat. “Sad, a little, but then I felt like everything was ok, like her being gone was somehow the way things are supposed to be. So then it was more like..” and Cal let out a long exhalation. Cal turned toward his father, his eyes tearing.

“After she died, I didn’t know how to be, I didn’t know how to be for you. I thought maybe if I was showing too much hurt, it would make you feel her loss even more”, his voice cracking a little. Tears fell from Cal’s eyes.

His father reached for his son and held him. “Losing your mom hurt and I worried so much about you. I’m so glad you are sharing all of this with me. You can always share anything with me.”

***************************************

As they arrived at the Heavenly Biscuit Factory, Cal noticed an angel on the sign out front. Something about it struck him as familiar, in the way she touched her heart. His mind wanted to linger on it, to parse why it was familiar, but after the exercise he was also hungry. His normal powers of concentration were sapped.

After going in and finding a table, Cal and his father sat. A young woman called out from behind the counter,”be out in just a sec, my loves”. As they settled in Cal noticed her humming, something familiar, melodic and stirring in his mind and heart. At once the world fell away and all at once what Cal had seen as fragments became whole and all doubts ended.

He knew what was real, and he knew his path.