Big Sky Wish

She stands at the sliding glass door to the balcony, watching the snow fall with tears in her big brown eyes. Is something missing in my life? She just finished another book by her favorite author. This author’s books always make her cry. The writer is a masterful storyteller, weaving tales of love and death. This one follows a man who reconnects with a lost love later in life. They spend a wonderful week together before she dies. It was a beautiful and devastating story at the same time.

She continues to watch the snow fly around outside, as if the balcony and surrounding area were in a snow globe. The sky is turning pink and reflecting off the new powder. Soon, the sky will darken, and the temperature will plunge for the evening. She turns her short, athletic body away from the big window to look at the resort room she is in. It is dim in the rosy reflection of the sunset. There is a comfy chair by the door and a gas fireplace burning in the opposite corner. There is a large leather couch facing a massive television, and beyond that is a kitchenette.

This is her first solo vacation. For the last eighteen years, she has vacationed with her son. Before her son, she vacationed with family, friends, or boyfriends. She chose Big Sky Resort in Montana to escape the noise of her everyday life and hopefully gain clarity about what she truly wants. When she arrived three days ago, there was barely any snow. It started snowing the evening she got here and hasn’t stopped since.

Her idea for this trip was to relax, snowboard, and practice yoga. She found the book in the gift shop the night before. She started reading the book last night, then slept for a few hours. After breakfast and yoga in the morning, she sat to read for an hour before hitting the slopes. Instead, she read the entire day away, wrapped in a blanket by the glass door, warmed by the fire. Getting lost in a book is one of her favorite indulgences, and today she surrendered to it.

She grabs some cheese, crackers, and a glass of wine from the kitchenette and goes back to the comfy chair to watch the day end. There aren’t many skiers and snowboarders out there. Many have already retired for the day. The lifts have stopped operating. The empty chairs are swinging and dancing with the wind. The snow is creating a fresh blanket over the day.

Her thoughts drift back to the book. She reflects on some of the loves of her life. There aren’t many, but she has had some meaningful relationships. She realizes she backed away from these relationships because she thought she wanted space or that the timing wasn’t right. For many years, she has been single. She tells herself she is an independent GenX woman and doesn’t need a man. Her freedom is essential. She doesn’t have to do what someone else wants; she can do what she likes. Why would she want to take care of another person? She is very busy and doesn’t have time to date anyway. Her life is fulfilling as it is.

She couldn’t want a partner. Could she?

Besides, why fall in love only to lose someone?

Her best buddy from college is going through a divorce. It’s been painful to witness. His wife isn't accepting the situation with grace. He has remained steady and honorable through it all, though she knows how draining it has been. They talk for hours every week. He tells her everything, and she tells him most of her secrets, too. She values his trust. He is the only person who knows who she really is. He supports her decision to take this solo trip. Their friendship is her most cherished relationship, second only to her son.

As the darkness of night descends, there is a hush around the resort. It’s early January, the week after the holidays, and there aren’t many guests. She has the view of a path leading to the chairlifts and snowshoe trails. It is well lit so she can watch the quiet fall of snowflakes. Would life be better with a partner? She isn’t lonely, even sitting here alone on vacation, but she wouldn’t mind having a close friend to talk to. Maybe she could call a friend, but she doesn’t want to interrupt the peace she has found in the moment.

She gets up to make a cup of hot tea, then returns to her vigil. Fresh snowshoe tracks appear in the new snow. She doesn’t see who made the track, but the path leads to one of the forest trails. She’s curious who would wander out during this storm.

A sudden urge for cold air sweeps through her. She feels pulled toward those trails. Maybe there is clarity waiting out there, in the untouched snow. She finishes her tea, braids her long strawberry-blond hair, gathers her snow gear, and packs a small backpack. She heads out with her snowshoes, poles, and headlamp.

When she steps outside, she is surprised to find that the wind has stopped howling. The snow is falling lightly, and it’s cold but not freezing. She straps on her snowshoes and heads for the trails. She can feel her cheeks brighten from the temperature and exertion.

Once she steps through the tree line into the woods, the snow stops falling. The forest feels enchanted. She is no longer following someone’s trail. She is carving her own path through the fresh snow.

In the forest, she senses the eyes of the woodland creatures following her. The trees are guardians guiding her forward. After hiking for thirty minutes, she reaches a large clearing. The clouds have moved away. There is no moon. The countless stars are winking at her. She turns off the headlamp and lies down in the fresh powder to make a snow angel. She stops and beholds the sky. She understands the resort must have gotten its name from this clearing. It is a big sky.

She reflects on the book again. Her thoughts turn to her college pal and how he has loved and lost. She remembers the last time they talked; he told her a joke that made her laugh. She smiles at this memory.

She wonders what life has in store. She realizes why she is alone. The fear of letting herself fall in love is overwhelming. She tries to control everything. Here, in this vast silence, she feels lonely for the first time. It’s like a punch to her gut, and she gasps for air. Someone should be witnessing this expanse of twinkling lights next to her. Maybe there's someone out there who likes the things she does. Maybe there is someone out there who can love her. Should she start looking? She makes a wish to gain clarity.

There is a rustle in the trees that shifts her attention. For some unknown reason, she isn’t afraid of the animal making the ruckus. She stands up, ready to return to her room. Then she sees a bright light through the trees. It appears to be bouncing up and down. Then a tall man steps out of the forest into the clearing. He seems lost and disheveled. He jumps when he finds her standing in the clearing.

“Oh! You scared me,” he calls. “Didn’t think anyone else would be crazy enough to explore these woods after dark.”

“I didn’t mean to startle you. Are you okay?” she asks.

“Yes,” he says, hiking closer to her, “It’s a beautiful evening to be hiking in the woods. I see you have found a perfect spot.”

He looks around the clearing in awe. As he approaches, she realizes that he is younger with boundless energy, perhaps in his twenties, yet he speaks like a wise old man.

“It has been a wonderful spot to watch the sky and gain perspective.” She tells him.

He reaches her, breath visible in the cold. “I’m a writer,” he says. “Out here looking for inspiration.”

“What are you writing?” she asks.

He smiles, showing his teeth. “Well, my wife told me tonight that I am going to be a father. She is sleeping, and I had too much energy, but couldn’t find anything to write. It’s as if this news has blocked me. So, I came out here. Nature usually helps.”

He looks around the clearing and up at the sky and asks, “What do you need perspective on?”

She looks up at him, “First, congratulations on becoming a father. Being a parent is the most challenging, most rewarding job you will ever have.” She takes a deep breath and sighs, “I was reflecting on the fact that I am feeling lonely, but I am too afraid to put myself out there to find a man.”

She can’t believe that she said this out loud to a stranger. There must be something magical in this forest.

“Love is the most amazing thing you can bring into your life.” He states.

“I have the love of family and friends. That should be enough, shouldn’t it?”

“I have plenty of friends and family that I love too. But having that one person by your side is the key to a happy life, at least for me. I met my wife in middle school, and I knew she was my person. She grounds me, supports me, tells me when I’m full of it.” He pauses and laughs, “She’s not scared to have this baby. But I am. I don’t want to mess this kid up.”

“You will not ruin your child. It’s okay to have a healthy fear of becoming a parent. Just love your child with everything you have. The years go fast. It sounds like you are becoming a parent with a solid partner. You can lean on each other. Maybe you should write your child a letter and tell him or her how you are feeling.” She suggests.

He smiles, “Yes! This is the inspiration I needed. Thank you. You shouldn’t be scared either. Someone out there is meant to find you.”

They leave the clearing together and hike back to the lodge. As they approach the building, the snow begins to fall again. They thank each other and wish each other luck.

When she returns to her room, she removes the snow gear and makes a mug of hot chocolate. She sits on the oversized couch under a plush blanket. She watches the fire and begins to cry. Maybe the writer is on to something. Maybe her life is missing something. She does want a partner. She is afraid to say it out loud and want something she can’t control.

Twenty minutes into her plight, her phone indicates that she has a text. It’s her best friend from college. “Busy?” the text says. That’s his way of asking if she can talk. She dries her tears and calls him.

He answers, “I’m officially divorced. And… I love you. I’ve always loved you. Is there any way we can figure this out?”

For a moment, she doesn’t breathe. She stands up and walks over to the sliding glass door. Snow falls beyond the glass. As she looks outside, she is struck by the clarity that she wished for.

After this night, she thinks, there is.

She answers his question with a strong, “Yes.”