Colder Days

There was ice all over the window and it really bothered me. The way the crystals crept up and blurred the pane always irked me. It was like that moment when you were rushing out the door and your sweater got snagged on the door knob. You would direct all your anger toward that inanimate object and concentrate immense rage, while the doorknob gave you nothing back. Similarly, how dare this ice block my view of the beautiful outdoors after a rough night of tossing and turning. I had known it was going to snow and there would be ice on those old one pane creaking windows, but why today of all days?

I threw the covers off and went toward the culprit, I scratched at the window and saw the little ice beads reluctantly fall away. I made a mental note to come back and scratch away small circles so I could have an enjoyable afternoon reading in my cozy chaise lounger. It was definitely time to turn on the heat in the house. Really, it was past due. My nose was already tense from cold and I certainly wasn't wearing enough layers to be comfortable. I dragged myself to the hallway to interpret the temperature. Realizing the house was at 43 degrees surprised me and I settled on a much more comfortable 60. I heard the heat kick on and smelled that old familiar burning singe in my nose. It always gives me a sense of foreboding and misgiving.

I had thought through my plan for the morning. I would prepare a simple breakfast, put on some fresh coffee, feed the fat cat and wait patiently for him to arrive. Even in this day and age nothing beat my old radio which I flipped on to see if I could get the weather update for the day. When I finally settled on a station 103.4 "YOUR BEST LISTENING" they were giving updates and telling jokes about dogs and not eating yellow snow. Eventually they got the weather, "It's going to be a cold one today folks, seems like this could turn into one of the coldest days of the year." BEEP BEEP BEEP. "This is the national weather service. There is a severe weather warning alert in the following counties: Aitkin, Cook, Kittson, Koochiching, Lake, Lake of the Woods, and Marshall counties. These counties are under severe cold weather watch until tomorrow at 5 a.m. Temperatures expected to be -10 degrees with a wind chill of -20 degrees. A warning to shelter in place has been issued by the national weather service until 5 a.m. tomorrow morning" Oh that's just great. How on earth was he going to get here in this weather? I suppose I will have to call and cancel. I dialed the number on the landline (who even had one of those anymore?) knowing that in an emergency it might actually come in quite handy. There was no answer. I dialed again and still no answer. I suppose there was nothing I could do now but to bring make sure I had water and food to survive this hopefully 24 hour stint of bad weather.

As I walked toward the pantry to check my stores and grab some coffee to put on, BANG BANG BANG. I nearly jumped out of my skin hearing the loud knock on the door. It was still 20 until 9, why would anyone let alone HIM be here at this hour? I was reluctant to even go toward the door, who could it be? Why had I never installed that RING camera like my grandson had encouraged me to?

I slowly crept toward the door careful not to make a sound and as I moved cautiously, BANG BANG BANG. I could see the shadow falling across the entryway and it gave me the chills on top of the chills I already had. I had finally made it to the entryway and I quietly let my voice escape me, "Who is it?" The shadow moved ever so slightly to the left but no answer. "Gerard is that you?" Nothing. The shadow moved away and I stood stock still waiting. I wish so much it had been Gerard, I was prepared to finally let bygones be bygones and truly looked to make peace and move forward.

It had been 20 years since we had separated and finally signing divorce papers was the only way forward it seemed. I hadn't seen him since three springs ago when we all had gotten together as a family once again. The whole affair between us had been so messy and riddled with hurts that I still felt the dullness of deep down. I was looking forward to meeting with him, sharing perhaps what would be our last meal together for a very long time. The dullness of those painful years long ago bubbled up in my fear. But whoever had been at the door seemed to have gone away and perhaps it was for the best that I didn't know who, maybe just a solicitor or Jehovah's Witness.

The day wore on and I cooked a lovely breakfast that was comforting to the soul. All the while I prepared a few extra items and charged all my devices in case the power went out. I know there was a strong possibility I would spend the evening in darkness so I made sure to have all the available candles out and ready to be lit. I even conjured up a warm crackling fire by the time darkness fell. It was about 6pm when it happened and the moment I felt my stomach drop. I immediately thought of Gerard again and couldn't understand why he was the first thought that popped into my head. The large glass framed picture of the ocean that I had hung on the wall to my left suddenly fell with a crash just as I had turned to chapter three of my romance novel. I felt my bones rattle and sat in an eerie silence for many minutes before I knew it was time to call someone. Perhaps I could call my son or my daughter just so they could keep me company because I was starting to feel afraid. I picked up the phone and realized the line was dead....I hit the receiver several times and got nothing. But not to worry I had my cell phone available in the kitchen charging. Although I knew it was a long shot because I always had terrible service. I dialed the phone and heard my sons voice on the other line, "Hello, mom?" "Hello son, it's me I just was calling to see how you were doing. I wanted to make sure you were safe." "Hello, mom? Can you hear me?." And then nothing......I figured the signal was too weak. Then i saw his number pop up again and I answered right away, "Son, can you hear me? I just wanted to speak with you and see how you were doing." But I heard nothing on the line. So I resolved that if things got worse I might have to go outside into the chilly cold and try to make contact. Earlier that morning we had all sent texts informing one another that all was well and we would hunker down for the cold weather....no matter really because both of my children were far away across the state. They wouldn't be able to come to my aid at any point and I was confident I wouldn't need it to go that far.

I pulled out the broom and dust pan and began gathering up the broken glass, careful to put on my shoes near the mess. I had never been one to feel lonely, I quite enjoyed my independence although I often wondered what things would have been like if I had traveled through life with a partner. Cleaning up this glass felt like a still moment in time lost in my thoughts. I still hadn't heard from Gerard and I suppose the whole days visit was a wash because of the weather. I thought he would at least call but maybe he had tried and of course the lines were down. I recalled that day he walked away from me and left me this home. Gosh that was a long time ago. I remember how I wondered where he was going and if he would ever come back. How he and I were broken glass and I had been cleaning up the mess all these years. Would we ever be okay again? As I focused on picking up chunks of glass with a paper towel I heard a whisper from close by, "shhhhhh." I froze on the spot and listened intently. Was I really hearing something or was it the heater or outdoor weather playing tricks on me? "Marina....."

I shouted, "Go away, I don't know who or what you are but go away!" PING. I heard a ping on my phone and saw there was a text from my son. MOM, PLEASE CALL ASAP. I hit the green button and pressed the phone to my ear. "Hello!? Mom? Can you hear me? Are you okay?"

"Yes honey, I can you hear, can you hear me?"

"Yes finally we are able to connect, I have some news to share with you." There was a long quiet pause.

"Dad was in an accident earlier today. He left the house at 7am and got hit head-on. It was a drunk driver." I felt my stomach drop for the fourth time today.

My head began to spin and I fell back into the couch next to the pile of glass. He said some other things but I wasn't able to comprehend the further conversation. I only know that time stopped and when I came to, the phone line was dead and my hands were numb. I stared straight ahead toward the front door and saw a shadow move across. I ran to the door and threw it open. Cold air and snow rushed into the house and sprinkled the floor with wet droplets. My face burned with the immediate chill and I shut my eyes and blinked them to try to see who was there. I saw no one and I ran forward to check behind the bushes and any possible place someone might be hiding. My socked feet crunched on the snow and began to soak through, already numbing my toes. I stood there staring out into the darkness and then I heard a loud a whisper on the wind, "Marinaaaaa....forgive me." Was I making this up? But I knew. I knew it was him. I knew he was gone, that he had been gone since early this morning and that he had been trying to reach me all day and get my attention. I knew he was conversing with me, making peace and keeping his promise to meet with me. I couldn't feel my face or my toes, or my fingers at this point but I could feel warmth in my soul knowing that despite this tragedy, despite knowing he was gone, I had finally found it in my heart to forgive. I knew he had been meaning to ask me for forgiveness. I turned back to go inside and it was a painful walk toward the front door. I grabbed the knob and as I moved to shut the door behind me, I left it open a crack and whispered, "I forgive you, Gerard."