Suite 665

Okay, so — sorry, one second, this door sticks something awful, you kind of have to hip-check it right at the bottom, there you go, see, I keep telling Facilities about it and they keep saying it's on the list, and I keep telling them the list has been the same length since I started, which, between you and me, has been a while. Come on in. Watch the step, there's a little lip there nobody ever fixed either.

So! Welcome to Suite 665. I'm Lillian, I'll be your onboarding buddy for today, and probably for the next little while, honestly, until you get your bearings, because there's a lot, and I don't say that to scare you, I say that because it's true and I'd rather you hear it from me than figure it out the hard way like poor Denise did her first week, bless her, she cried in the supply closet, which — okay, don't go in the supply closet without asking me first, that's actually a real rule, I'll explain later, remind me.

You're probably wondering why there's no sign on the door. Good question. Everybody asks that. Short answer? Suite 665 doesn't really need foot traffic. We're not a walk-in kind of operation. Everybody who comes to us has already been — well, we'll get to that. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Orientation's got a flow to it and I like to stick to the flow, otherwise I forget the badge thing and then you're stuck for weeks with a temporary sticker like a substitute teacher, no offense to substitute teachers, I dated one once, long story, remind me.

This is Processing. Say hi to everybody, they won't say hi back, they're heads-down, it's the fourteenth today and the fourteenth is always a bear, don't ask me why, it just is, every month, like clockwork, if clocks worked around here the way you're used to, which — again, we'll get there.

Processing is where the arrivals get their first paperwork. That's what we call them, arrivals, it's just easier than saying the client's name forty times a day, and half of them don't remember their name right away anyhow, first day or two, it's very common, don't let it throw you. You'll notice a lot of them look a little confused about how exactly they ended up in the building. That's totally normal. Nobody really remembers the trip down. I don't either, and I've been here longer than I like to admit out loud in front of the vending machine, ha — no, that's just a joke, ignore that.

Now, past Processing is Records, and Records is — okay, I'm going to be honest with you, Records is the one department where I tell new folks just don't ask how far back it goes. Not because it's a secret, it's just a long answer and Gary in Records loves to give it, and once he starts you're there forty minutes and you'll miss lunch, and lunch here is not something you want to miss, the cafeteria only does the good soup on a schedule nobody's ever nailed down. You'd think a place this organized would have a soup schedule. You'd think. No. It's the one mystery even I haven't cracked.

This is Assignment. Assignment's got the good chairs, don't ask me why, I've put in three requisitions for chairs like that for Processing and I get radio silence every time. Assignment decides where an arrival goes long-term. Placement, we call it. It's very individualized, they look at the whole file, the whole — pattern of a person, I guess is the word, and they match it to a spot that's, and I'm quoting the training video here, "appropriately resonant." Whatever that means. I just file the forms.

You're probably wondering what happens if Assignment gets it wrong. No, actually, they don't really get it wrong, that's the thing, they're very good, it's more that people don't love hearing the outcome, and that's not the same as it being incorrect, my supervisor's very clear on that distinction, we are not in the business of being wrong, we're in the business of people being surprised, which, fair, I'd be surprised too.

Okay, this hallway always throws people, it's longer than it looks from the other end, don't worry about it, everybody feels a little sick the first few times, bring gum.

This is Review. Review handles the paperwork for arrivals who want a second look at their placement. I'll be straight with you, the waiting period on a Review request is — it's long. It's a long waiting period. People say "how long" like I'm going to say six weeks and then I say the actual number and they go quiet, so I've started rounding down when I tell people, I just say "a while," it's kinder.

Compliance is through there, we don't go in unless we're buzzed in, they're very by-the-book, which I actually respect, somebody's got to be, but they do have a candy dish and if you're nice to Phyllis she'll let you take two.

This is Appeals. Appeals is Compliance's cousin department, don't get them confused, I did my first month and Phyllis has never let me forget it. Appeals handles the arrivals who don't think they should be arrivals at all, who think there's been some kind of — mix-up, a paperwork thing, wrong file, wrong person, that kind of claim. And look, I'm not unsympathetic, some of them are very convincing, very sad, very sure of themselves. But in eleven years I've seen exactly one appeal go through, and even then, I heard — this is gossip, don't repeat it — I heard it wasn't really overturned so much as re-routed, filed under a different heading, and honestly between us I think that's worse, but nobody asked me.

You're doing great, by the way. You haven't said a word this whole tour and I respect that, some people can't stop asking questions and honestly it slows us down, whereas you're just taking it all in, very professional. I like that. I had a feeling about you.

This is Residential Coordination, they handle the housing side of placement, and I want to be upfront, some of the housing is lovely, genuinely, I've seen photos, gardens, porches, the whole thing, and some of it is — look, it's proportionate, that's the word they use, proportionate to the file, and I don't make the files, I just move them along the belt, so to speak.

Behavioral Analysis is down that other hall, we don't really interact with them day to day, they're a little insular, keep to themselves, very research-focused, they're the ones who actually build out the — the profile, I guess, the pattern I mentioned, the whole shape of a person, everything they ever did, everything they ever almost did, it's very thorough, it's actually kind of beautiful if you don't think about it too hard, which is my advice to you generally, don't think about any of it too hard, it goes better that way, ask Denise, well — don't ask Denise, she's not really back yet from the supply closet thing, remind me to explain that, I keep saying that and not doing it, sorry.

This is Intake Administration, which is technically my department, we're the ones who greet everybody when they first come through, we do the very first conversation, the "how are you feeling, do you know where you are" conversation, and I'll tell you, that conversation does not get easier, eleven years in, it still gets me sometimes, especially the ones who come in mid-sentence, like they were saying something to somebody and then all of a sudden they're saying it to me instead, and there's this look, this specific look, and — anyway. You get used to it. Sort of. You don't, really, but you get quieter about it, which I guess is the same thing from the outside.

I suppose you're thinking, this is a lot of departments for one little suite. You'd think so, wouldn't you? But it's not really one little suite, is my understanding, it's more like the suite number is sort of a — an address, a front door, and behind the front door it's a lot bigger than a suite, obviously, you've seen the hallway, but nobody ever changed the sign, or there never was a sign, and by the time anybody thought to make one, "Suite 665" had just sort of stuck, the way names do.

Break room's here, quick stop, this is important: the vending machine always has exact change, don't ask why, it just does, and the coffee's always exactly the right temperature no matter how long it's been sitting, which honestly should have tipped me off my first week and didn't, and there's a calendar on the wall that nobody updates and it doesn't matter because nobody's ever caught it being wrong either, isn't that funny, and also somebody keeps stealing Harold's lunch out of the fridge and I want to be clear, I have not done that, whatever Harold says.

Okay, last stretch, and then I'll let you catch your breath, I promise.

You're probably wondering, and I say this because everybody gets to this point in the tour and gets the same look on their face, what kind of place this actually is. I haven't lied to you once today, I want that on the record. Arrivals, placement, Records going back further than makes sense, Appeals that basically never work, a supervisor nobody's ever laid eyes on who signs every form that comes through — that's Mr. Vess, I don't think I said his name yet, very hands-off, very respected, we've genuinely never met, that's normal here, don't let it bother you.

I let you assume it was one kind of office. Insurance, government, something like that. And most of what happens here really is that ordinary. Most of the people who pass through this floor are through in a day, done with Processing, off to Assignment, gone to wherever Residential Coordination sends them, and they never see Suite 665 again in their whole forever. That's the overwhelming majority of foot traffic. Genuinely nothing to do with you specifically, most days.

Some days are different, though, and I want to walk you through why today's one of them, because I think you deserve the whole picture and not just the parts that are easy to say out loud.

You remember I mentioned Behavioral Analysis does the whole profile, the pattern, everything a person did and everything they almost did. What I didn't say is that most of what they build gets used once and then filed. A placement gets picked, a door gets assigned, and that's that. But every so often the profile comes back and it isn't asking where somebody should go. It's telling us what somebody already was. And when that happens, the file doesn't go to Assignment at all. It comes straight down the hall to me.

I've read yours. I'm not going to sit here and pretend I haven't, it's my job to have read it before you ever walked through that sticky door. And I'll tell you honestly, it's not an unkind file. Nobody's judging you for it, least of all me, I've read hundreds of these and yours is fairly unremarkable, which I actually mean as a compliment in this line of work. It's just — thorough, in a way that only a certain kind of person's file ever is. The kind of detail you only get from somebody who kept good records of themselves without ever meaning to. Somebody who liked things a certain way. Somebody who was, if I'm being honest, already pretty comfortable in a place like this one, long before there was any reason to be.

That's who this floor is for. Not everybody. Just the ones whose file reads like an application they never filled out on purpose.

So there isn't a garden waiting on you tonight, or weather, or a porch. There's this. There's me, and the fourteenth being a bear every month, and the vending machine, and Harold's lunch going missing forever and nobody ever catching who did it, because you'll have all the time in the world to wonder. It's dressed up as a badge and a start date because that's kinder than the alternative, and I do believe it's kinder, but I won't pretend it's a different thing underneath the dressing.

Down at the end of this hall is a door I don't open for just anyone. It stays locked because what's behind it isn't finished being set up until we know for certain who's walking through it, and this morning, for the first time in a while, we knew.

I'll open it now, if you're ready. It's smaller than you'd think, and it already has your chair in it, and your name is already on the little plate by the door, spelled correctly, which I always make sure of personally, it's the one thing I insist on.

Go on and step in. Get a feel for it. You've got Monday to really settle, but there's no reason not to sit down now and see how it fits.

I think you'll find it fits.

Welcome to Suite 665.