What keeps me up at night

What keeps me up at night?

My thoughts and worries of what my one and only sibling may do on the following day is the driving force of my sleepless nights.

Inheritance insanity could be the name for the condition. It is a common circumstance or result of a family death that can take on a state of madness. It can impact any nationality, income class, or religion.  I keep those details as points of solace, so I know I am not the only one to endure this surreal experience. It strikes at the heart of many. Millions in our society have suffered through the experience and millions more will in the future. There will be no cure for this problem. It’s a beast of the human condition. Individuals are correct in their beliefs, they do not see it happening to their family. Famous last words are “No, that will not be us” and yet when years pass and the moment comes to be, it comes to fruition. Strangers and enemies are born and attacks are plotted against each other because the dam has been released. The financial and sentimental elements of the estate being divvied up frequently serve as the mute pawns to do irreputable damage with. 

Why wouldn’t this keep me up at night? It would keep the best, strongest, kindest soul awake in the wee hours. During a water-shed moment, the loss of a loved one that went before you and guided you and cared for you, often your north star, another less-valued loved one is taking full advantage of you and by complete surprise because of your loss.

 In your altered and unclear state, you are attacked and subjected to an upheaval of what you have always accepted and known to be true and right; in the character of a person, beliefs and ways.

During the sleepless nights I forage through my own brain to escape the emotion, confusion, and exhaustion but I cannot. The shock value of the events cannot be digested as quickly as it would be beneficial. In addition to that there was a strong commitment to honor. How could I just accept that this loved one was behaving in such a way that would have crushed the recently deceased? It was blaring to me that it was a crime in every way that this behavior was happening. It was embarrassing to see this go on and not be the voice of reason. I had try to speak for the dead and make this all right because it was beyond belief. How could a family veer so far from what we collectively once were? Greed and ego bloomed so quickly? 

My sleepless nights were the results of inheritance insanity involving just one sibling, that one family member. I cannot bring myself to take the agony and defeat to a greater degree. Multiple parties in this form of disaster could produce a situation of no rest at all. I end my sleepless night with rest in the a.m. If I found myself dealing with a greater number of characters in this script of demise, I may not find a way to survive.

Death is traumatic and effects humans on many levels. The process of healing does require a strong constitution. Based on that it is wise to use science as a starting point to learn some details of where one can get an idea of the reasons.

Perhaps psychology has done extensive analysis on the inheritance nightmare (a.k.a. inheritance insanity condition, as I like to coin it). For example, the “after our parents pass” situation becomes a new reality, and the remaining family members show their true colors. It can also be said that they don’t show their true colors, but they become a new version of themselves due to the loss of the loved ones .

How many families see it on the horizon, know it is in their future, prepare as best they can and yet when walking through the process feel an unimaginable hurt and loss in addition to the death of the family member? I sensed it was lurking on my horizon. I felt I had locked down enough of the components of the event that would minimize the turmoil and interaction when the day arrived. I was wrong because I could not control outside forces and that made all the difference. My sleepless nights analyze that factor extensively. I am sure many victims of inheritance insanity have that one and mighty agonizing detail that haunts them strongly too.

Deep-rooted psychological issues seem to come back into play from the childhood days.

Interest has been added for the decades spent carrying the memory of those hurts, new armor and war damage is established in the heart of each sibling. Sadly, despite the magnitude of these issues, life-altering and such, they will most likely never be discussed the way in which they should. I have had my breakthroughs at 3 a.m., 4:15 am, etc. etc. that have shown me with great conviction, if only words were shared about the heart of the matter, if we heard each other, the answers would be shared and love and healing would becomepresent in place of hurt. My sleepless nights tell me so.

A woman that I have known since her first breath on earth, the creative, artistic, brilliant, individual is now setting forth her spirit in this world with cruel, mean-spirited behavior. I know it is because she feels fear. Isn’t it sad that in my sleepless nights I mentally write endless letters to her or script calls to her that are never placed because I am deprived sleep in the agony that I know there could be a way to heal the hurt, erase the fear, end the inheritance sparring? 

What keeps me up at night is that I never saw this coming, the element of that surprise leaves me to wonder if I am too naive to be missing another detail. Will I pay a grave price if I take a chance on her.  

Letting her find her own way out of the inheritance insanity as I have found mine may be the best way to be her big sister. The cycle of sleepless nights will take this direction for now.

What keeps me up at night has had a strong run lately. It may be hard to extinguish for a bit.

Sleepless nights came upon me with no warning and perhaps they will depart in the same manner.