A Best friend is Hard to Find

I should have known better than to trust Brielle. From the moment I met her, I thought I had found a potential confidant, a potential sounding board. But it turns out, all I found was a project too big for me to handle. Bri clearly needs to be broken by someone other than myself. 

Now, most people hear we have been friends for 15 years and think “wow, this is the real deal.” and normally, I'd say you were right. But she’s been changing these last 4 years, and not for the better.

She’s been in therapy most of the time we have known each other. I mean, okay, her mom died when she was seventeen, so fucking what?! She’s not the only one out there with the same story. Every other month is “I think I’m feeling rejected because I have unresolved issues around my mom’s death”. What am I supposed to say in response when my mom is alive and well? I give my usual sympathetic look, say a quick “that must be so hard, I can’t even imagine what you’re feeling” and excuse myself to the bathroom to breathe. Anything to escape the trauma-dump fest. 

 I’m barely scraping by financially, and you would think that therapy would make her have more empathy for me. Instead she's been sending me texts about splitting lunch now, “Hey, whenever you can, can you send me $10 for your part of lunch?”. Stunned, I stared at the message for what felt like ages, trying to read it any other way than how it was sent. Was she testing me? It felt like a test. I tell myself it's nothing, until I remember all the times she said “don’t worry about it, I got you” and tried reaching for the memory of her saying that this time- she never did. 

What scares me isn’t the money. I had to pay Kristina $500 back for a concert ticket, it's the idea of what she’ll do to her family. I mean 15 years- we aren’t just friends anymore, we are practically sisters. If she can turn on me-her sister- what will she do to her husband and her baby? I can see it now, the kind of mother who packs up her son’s room the minute he turns eighteen and says, “good luck.” Like a fucking animal. 

I told the friend group, so I know I’m not the one at fault. They all agree: I’m right, she’s wrong. They want to confront Bri for me, but I asked them to wait until I’m ready to talk to her. I don’t want a dramatic ending to our friendship.

I don’t understand what went wrong. I was honest with her, opened my home, offered what I could to her: water, a couch to cry on, a listening ear. It’s not much, but she never made me feel small for it. Until now. I listened to every word, I thought that was enough.

If I were to pinpoint when the issues started, I think it started with Kristina. Kristina and I went to a concert last month and Brielle blew up about some fucking junk journal club she’s in, as if they don’t meet every month. Did I text her that I wouldn’t make it? No. Did I ignore her texts asking where I was? Yes, but she saw my socials. She knew exactly where I was and she knew that no one would be able to get a hold of me at my dream concert, I’m locked in. I only said I would go to her journal club because she’d been so sad lately. I felt bad for her.

Building networks is easy if you know what to look for. Kristina is easy to like; Brielle and Margot are my top prizes. They both have dual incomes, and are sympathetic. I introduced Bri to the group after she had her baby. She was crying about loneliness, and I thought, fine, I’ll give her something big. I curated everyone who met her, kept the wrong ones from bleeding into her life. It was easy really, all I had to do was say “I’d be careful with them because they like to gossip”, and she accepted my truth without question (remind me to never have a kid, it makes women so weak).  

I knew they all would mesh well, because that’s what I do: I connect the right people together and place them right where they belong.

So when Margot invited us and the group over for a charm bracelet-making night, the last thing I was expecting was for Brielle to humiliate me in front of everyone. After we were done with our bracelets, Margot suggested we write little notes of encouragement to each other. There were tears and laughs, and then Bri decided it was the perfect time to announce she’d gotten a new job. She was leaving us all behind for a better position, closer to home, her family, oh and get this- better pay. Way better.

What did she expect? She was in a room with my friends. There was a moment of silence and a few of the girls gave me sympathetic glances and they waited for me to respond before they gave theirs. I gave an enthusiastic “Congratulations”, and the chorus followed.

I gave it a week and a half to let her rest easy, calming any nerves-or talk about it in therapy. I couldn’t wait any longer than that to clear the air. 

“Hi Brielle,"

“Hey Rae, what’s up?”

“Hey, so I, I hope after fifteen years we could be super honest with each other, even if it’s a little bit awkward” 

“Um, yeah. I should hope so too. What’s up?”

“So, I don’t really know how to say this, but your little announcement at Margot’s was really humiliating.” 

 ~~~Silence~~~ 

“Um…Bri? Hello???..”

“I’m sorry- I was in shock. I didn’t mean to humiliate anyone.” 

“Well…not anyone-me”. 

From this moment on, Bri was just so defensive, I have never heard her talk to anyone like that and it just proves to me that I have the right to be scared for her husband and her baby because what sane person speaks to anyone like that.

“How did I humiliate you Rae?”

“You know I’ve been looking for another job” 

“No. I know you’ve been complaining about your job and pay, I wasn’t actually aware of you actively looking for a job.”  

And there it is. I always knew she thought so little of me. I didn’t know venting to my friend constituted “complaining”. You would never guess she was in therapy for 10 years with the way she speaks to me. She’s always so demeaning, always so suggestive, “Rae, you’d do better in business operations, aren’t you tired of struggling”. Like no thanks, I like my job, I just need better pay.

“Complaining?” I asked, with razor sharp edges. 

Exasperated, Bri says, “Yes Rae. Complaining. That’s all you do- in every area of your life. I offer suggestions and you never make a move. It’s like you want to stay stuck because you don’t want to lose sympathy with your friends. But honestly- you’re starting to lose mine. You might be happy in your own little cage, but I am not.” 

When I called Brielle, I never thought it would turn this ugly, I never thought she would ever speak to me like this- after all I have done for her and with her. I thought that would have earned more gratitude. But maybe being a mom made her greedy for attention. Can’t compete with an adorable baby after all. 

“Ok” I say, voice shaky. I am barely holding onto any semblance of good will. How dare she? 

“Ok” I clear my voice again. “Well, if that’s how you feel.” 

“Yeah Rae. That is how I feel. Because why am I always having to walk on eggshells for you? Why am I having to hide my wins and my losses because the world can only see you?”

Her baby starts crying and with a sigh, Brielle says “I have to go- can we talk about this another time? I know it’s annoying but I think we have to schedule this one, and get it all out there. Ok?”

“Ok.” I respond flatly “Yeah, just let me know when.” 

And just like that, Brielle hangs up. No extra words, no apologies, no dragging her worthless husband in to handle their child. 

I should have listened to my mom when she said “Brielle having a baby will change-not just her life-but yours too”.