The Pizza Delivery Lady's Past Life

“You’re dreaming of being a teacher? I used to love teaching! I don’t have to anymore since I got everything I wanted. It felt oddly like buying a house with your soul, because of how much of your life goes into it. Then it goes stale after a few seconds.

“See, I had these kids that were my best friends, all from teaching. It’s so cool to have little critters as your friends because they have so much ahead of them and teach you what’s new! I did anything to spend time with them. They’re pretty much out of my life now and took everything I offered with them. Now I'm delivering pizza...

“I remember seeing all five of my best performing kids on stage like this accepting awards, just lime me! Suddenly, they just stopped being my best friends. They committed a plot to lace breakfast that day with laxatives and blame it on the catering staff. All right after I got the Golden Teaching Medal, the Diamond Pen of Lesson Planning Excellence, and Five Platinum Ivy Vines for each student who passed the Collegiate Aptitude Test. Within seconds, my life was as useless as the plastic, wood, and metal in my tiny hands. My white paws were wet for months from all the crying. All it took was for Jake to say: “Miss Label is so nice, she taught us how to take the test!’

“He didn't even say my name right, but my god those kids could plan with his direction. Ulf went from being a mathematician to being no more than the methane horn that would sound off for everyone to scramble for the bathroom. Harry of course got up and used any rhetoric to promote some anti-foreigner nonsense and blame them for having E. Coli in the food! Of course, Franchesca and Madison sat quietly to not alert the audience they produced and snuck in the stuff-

“Let me get a hold of myself for a second.

“So… these kids. I loved them to death, except for Jake, okay? I would do anything for them. It was late in the final semester with them that I got to see their test scores on the Chepachet Regional Exam and they all passed with near perfect grades. They did so well they were invited to the ABC’s Academic Conference in Reddingshire! And it was all because of me! Four of the five of them were ‘at risk youths,’ too!

“I remember even how I picked them up in in which order. Staines Village was never a good place to grow up, being that half of it is all manufactured homes and trailer parks. I picked up Ulf, a big brown hairy cow and loaded him in first because he was huge. H used to be a shoulder shrugging, video game and porn addict, but somehow I convinced him to love doing math over anything. He could park a spaceship on a moving comet from millions of lightyears away from his nearly dilapidated home if he wanted but now he’s working a slushee machine as he intended. That day, he was punctual, in a black two-piece suit, hair combed, graphing calculator packed with him with extra pencils and erasers, and he even took a shower!

“Around the bend, I picked up Harry, who was two steps away from being sent to prison and joining a gang after making a bomb threat. By a stroke of luck, I stopped him from full-on shooting up the school. I managed to get him to turn around and write all types of poetry and read classic literature. He was living in a trailer with his useless dead beat dad. But Harry was rising from the ash as a new coyote.

“Next up was Madison, she lived in a shared house with her mother who got back from rehab. Her long straight horns were polished and given some white decorations that day. Of course, she learned all the worst stuff from the others and started to sell crack, meth, and marijuana on the side and how to smuggled it in via queefstering, whatever that is. She really became my bestie. I showed her the way to Shop Class and she started to make these wonderful things from the beautiful cuts of wood. She made me charms for my bracelet, see? I still wear them! She got clean too! And the art portfolio she had in her trotters that day was a privilege to even know it was real

“Then I picked up Franchesca. She was quiet and stewing about something. Finding all types of unique ways to give up on herself was her forte. After some encouragement and soul searching, she finally took up science and wanted to go to school to be a Pre-Med student. I wrote her a recommendation letter because she was so good. The way she understood the body was incredible and with her field mouse hands she could have been a surgeon. I would loved to see that just to cheer her on. I still remember the trifold poster she lugged with her that was about three times her size, all about acetaminophen.

“Harry reminded me to get Jake though. God, how I wanted to forget, but obliged anyway. That about face with permanent confusion written all over it disarmed me. His feathered feet could grip a pencil in a mesmerizing way that hypnotized me. Test taking was his only talent, even then his favorite method of testing was guess and check, insulting my intelligence to boot! Other than that he was functionally useless. Every so often, he would say something smart sounding, even though it was garbage or poison, but then again, that was how he always was and I never caught it. I drive by his big chicken coop and of course his parents just as confused as he was. They sat there looking at me, twisting their necks, wondering if this was all real. ‘Look! It’s Miss Label! I knew she would be here somehow!’ he never called me the right damn name.

“It took over an hour and a half to get there, even during a morning before the weekend. Once we got to the convention center, among a brutal forest of gray buildings under a smog filled sky. I told them to grab a place in line while I park the car. Madison was punctual, ‘Yo, Miss, I gotchu.’ I loved it. I was able to park my van and even sneak a call on the pay phone in to tell my daughter there was lasagna in the freezer and that I wouldn’t be back until the next morning, not that I saw her that often. She never talked to me again since she was on the warpath to be a straight B student and not aspire to anything.

“I’m sorry. I’m tearing up because… they were so amazing to stay there for me. No kid has ever just done what I asked, let alone done something for me. When I got back to the entrance of the convention center someone remarked how well behaved they all were. I got in line with them and I couldn’t help but rub Madison and Harry on the back. Franchesca got all cuddly. They were so happy to hug my slender, little body tight, admiring the pom-poms on my head and wrists. I was excited and proud of what I made them into, simply because I believed in myself and the mission I had. Lazy teacher’s union thugs, jealous parents, and spellbound tutors looked at me and the kids angrily.

“’Misses Label, I think it’s making everyone uncomfortable the way you’re touching us,’ like that, Jake ruined the purity I had with my kids. They all laughed at me.

“Harry came to my rescue, ‘There is absolutely nothing wrong with the way Miss Labelle is interacting with us. They simply don’t have the capacity to understand how nurturing works because they were too busy teaching to the tests they dish out for behalf of fascist corporations.’ Oh he was so good with his rhetoric that they all shriveled and quivered away and Jake just sat there dumbfounded again, probably still wondering if he was referring to me or someone else. My name, along with theirs finally got called up.

“The itinerary was all laid out for us. The CAT was first thing after breakfast and naturally they were all a bit nervous. After that it was lunch, then after all that it was the science fair, art show, math prix, and the speech writing contest. Then the CAT results would be announced, followed by a complimentary dinner, that I stated we’re skipping for a nice restaurant meal. The morning after, the results for all the contests, then it’s all over before noon.

“The lobby was stuffed with everyone looking to get in their first or second breakfast. The kids all got the healthy stuff, aside from Ulf, there was no parting him from being a dessert first creature. They all kept still trying to lean on me, because of course they were nervous. Except for Jake, but nobody cared about him. I taught them to that test and more and it showed with the way they passed my exams, and the other teachers’ exams and open response questions. We all did a dorky little team-break where we had a chant. We were a team, except for Jake, he had no idea what was happening as usual. Just like that we were off! My god it… was so beautiful, that coordination. Nobody had the synergism we did.

“I crashed in a bed and woke up, it was already half past noon and I smudged the pillows with all my make up. I freshened up in my room and reapplied my eyeshadow and lipstick all over again. It was hard to focus because I was jittering from the coffee overload and rushed back out to the lobby. It was about half an hour when I finally got refreshed fully and then went down to the lobby. I was halfway ready to mingle and rub my achievements in the faces of the other teachers and tutors, but then I see Ulf there having undoubtedly his third breakfast. I asked him what’s wrong and he said he finished the test. ‘It’s easy because it’s a big puzzle like you said.’ I asked him what the hardest problem was and he confidently said: None. I was profusely panting and I couldn’t take it so I had to step outside and excuse myself to get fresh air.

“After I got out, I was accosted by the proctor, some absolute nobody of a yellow labrador frothing. ‘He had to have cheated. YOU taught him how.’ Of course I had goaded him on, laughed at him, and asked him to go ahead and give him another math problem right now just for fun. I even said: ‘It’s not my fault you can’t do better math than a junior in high school,’ and he stormed off, nearly crying. That was so funny. He reminded me of my ex-husband who would ask me just about anything and keep screaming that I was working too much. Men like him never get how you can love someone for their mind, let alone do something with love. He ended up getting jealous of my job and divorcing me outright over it, lashing out that I didn’t have a social life outside it anymore and stupid excuses like that instead of blaming themselves for being disappointing and not bettering themselves.

“Sorry, I had to vent there, but you get my point, that guy sucked.

“Anyway, I popped back in, went to the Science Fair to see Franchesca, going over the trifold with something that really impressed me. It was lighting up to a clicker she had, showing all types of visuals, showing how the drug interacts with the body! The way the body was shown off was all anatomically accurate. She gave examples on how the acetaminophen would work and all its applications! Even the fact she could differentiate the difference between dose types!

“Same with the art show. Madison was able to make the finest exhibit and completely sold them with whatever tomboy charisma she had on to explain the art itself. Everyone crowded to her self portrait, the landscapes, oh god those were beautiful, and the still life studies. They were museum quality, in fact some appraisers were probably there trying to buy it still, which she respectfully declined, like I taught her.

“Then there was Jake, doing… something. Probably plotting my demise behind my back. I waved hi and went to see Harry’s oration. He did outstanding, let me tell you. He came up with a modest proposal to try love instead of hate for his one-hour thesis, crafting the narrative. My favorite line was: ‘Yes, it’s love and play that nurture the soul and create a real education. Take it from my teacher. She was able to tie every single lesson to my hippocampus in order to ensure that I was able to learn effectively. Every memory in the chlorine cleaner and chalk filled room with all my other teachers were virtually gone in seconds. It’s love that makes for the best education. Love.’

“When I got to the lobby, the kids all showed me their score numbers on the CAT. They were near perfect scores. I was so happy to see them do well. I could have fallen for any one of them, maybe not Ulf, especially not Jake. I met them in the lobby to so that we could all play hookie a bit by going to The Menu of Many Things and Cake. My god they all erupted with joy, save for Jake, he was somehow in his own thoughts on probably how to screw me over, even though he was dazed looking. I would have done it anyway, clearly, but this time it was special. We went there by foot, got a nice circular booth. Famished, we all ordered our food in a hurry, ready to see how big the portions were, and the cake of course. We were all gushing over how well everyone did. I didn’t even care about the scores or how many times they had to explain and present stuff! I cared that they were happy, applying themselves to their education and future. I cared they could serve as an example to my daughter, if she ever god damn listened to me! I cared that they were my kids. We got our food and started to shovel it all down.

“Then Jake just had to fucking ruin it. “I see why you’re all friends with Miss Label! She’s so nice when she gets what she wants!”

“They all slowed down eating. I laughed it off, because Jake was always stupid with what he said. But from then on forward, everything just… changed. The energy was lower, enthusiasm was evaporated quickly, life… was fading from them. Ulf was suddenly no longer as hungry as he was. Harry was prodding the pasta slowly and grinding the fork in the plate. Franchesca was nursing a drink to stay quiet. Madison was just no longer there. Her rectangular eyes just shrank. I kept up the mood as best as I could but they just… stopped. I picked up the tab and just escorted them back. It was so awkward.

“I had to stop Madison before we all went to bed. I leaned down to her and gripped her shoulders. ‘Honey, please tell me, did Jake really upset you?’

“’Miss, did you really want a medal that bad?’ she asked me.

“’Well, don't you want to do better?’ I said to her. ‘It's great to have goals, don't you think!?’ I say to her.

She just nodded and left.

“The next morning… they were all gone. I couldn’t find them. I went to the lobby and still nothing. I went everywhere looking for them. I was frantic, then they came back with a bag from the convenience store. Jake was the only one absent, but I knew he told them to do something. Ulf had that uninspired look on his face, slurping some Slushee drink. Franchesca was hatefully grinning about something. Madison looked slightly uncomfortable. Harry was soulless.

“’Guys, is everything okay?’ I asked them obliviously, but I know now they were pushed to do something evil to get back at me.

“Yes that award ceremony kicked off. I took my spot and I was so happy to get my stupid trophies. The kids even came up, the four of them did a half-hearted hug. I sat back down under the hot spotlight as they all stood and then Jake said his stupid sentence. Ulf ripped a massive fart. The entire audience went rushing for the bathroom. Like that, I got everything I wanted and lost my four best friends, an audience to even clap, and my own family and friends were well past gone. My daughter was at home, probably looking to run off. My ex-husband was probably dead for all I knew, and I couldn’t rub these things in his face. I spent all of my twenties investing in this moment, only to have it mean nothing. The drive back was quiet. The drop offs were uneventful. I went home and sat down. The phone rang a few hours later and my daughter handed it to me. ‘We regret to inform you your teaching license has been revoked. Please come to Staines Village High School to pack up your things when the school week begins.’

“So, kid, whatever you do, don’t act on your dream. You’ll just get hurt. Trust me, I know. Enjoy your… whatever that pizza is. And stop ordering from there. I only do this job to live the rest of my crappy life in peace.