A Memorial

“Alright, guys, please do not forget about the test tomorrow. Study using the homework and the study guide on Google Classroom.” I started packing up my stuff as the bell rang, marking the end of the day. These days, my 10th graders couldn’t care less about math class, and today, I was too tired to make them. I just wanted to go home. Luckily, I didn’t have bus line duty today, which meant I could rush home immediately.

I didn’t have to pick up Jeanie today either; she was supposed to be at soccer practice until 5:30. This meant I was free to relax at home. I needed it. Jeanie and I could also use the space. We at least fought before the accident, but we barely talked now. She avoided me most of the time, so I rarely got the chance, but every time I looked at her, all I saw was Lucy’s face. I would tear up, and she would walk away.

I got home and changed into comfier clothes. I couldn’t help but eye the bag on my nightstand. No. I had to wait until she was here and asleep. She couldn’t find out what I was doing. My nights were monotonous. Grab a beer, order some dinner. Either wait for Jeanie to come home, or, when she’s home, wait for her to eat and go to her room. I sit on the couch watching TV until I fall asleep, and my alarm wakes me up in the morning.

For the last 3 months, this is what it was like.

That is, until about 4 days ago.

Last Monday, I needed to go out and buy more beer, so I broke the normal routine and headed to Walmart. As I was leaving the store, I was stopped by a woman. She had one of those booths, the ones you’d see the Girl Scouts have, posted off to the side of the entrance.

“Excuse me, sir?”

I turned to look at the lady and her booth. She was dressed in a yellow dress, and her emotive face was smiling wider than I’ve seen anyone smile. Quite the opposite of what I was feeling at the moment.

“A minute of your time, if I could.”

“No, thank you,” I replied, and turned to walk to my car.

“I heard about your wife,” she said.

That got my attention.

“What did you say?” I turned, my anger building. I gave her another look. Her large smile had softened into one you give a kid when they’re crying.

“I’m sorry, my name is Elaine. I’m friends with Stella. She told me.” I hadn’t talked to Lucy’s best friend since the funeral, but Stella had one of the most popular wedding planning businesses in our city, so it made sense that she would have friends I didn’t know.

“Anyways, I’m running this stand for a friend, but I thought you might be able to use something I have.”

“I don’t want any cookies,” I said.

“No, no,” she chuckled. “Definitely not cookies. It’s something that helped my husband out when he lost his brother.” She reached into the purse at her side and pulled out a plastic bag. There were little pieces of candy inside that looked something like Jolly Ranchers. “Here, take it. We don’t need them anymore.” She pushed it into my hand.

“What are they?” I asked. I was desperate to go home, but this had drawn me in.

“They’ll help, just trust me.” She gave me a smile and walked back to her booth, immediately stopping someone else and offering them cookies.

That night, once Jeanie went to bed, and after a few beers, I decided to grab one of the candies from the bag. I popped it in my mouth and laid down on the couch.

I woke up next to my wife.

We were in bed. She was still asleep. I jumped out of bed, and she jumped too.

“Mark, what’s wrong?” she said, freaking out.

“You… you…you’re dead,” I whispered. I felt myself begin to sob.

“Oh, honey. It was just a dream. I’m okay. I’m okay.” She came to comfort me as I leaned against the side of our bed. “Come back to bed with me.”

I rose, desperately hoping this wasn’t a dream. That my Lucy was still with me. I crawled into bed with her and watched as she fell back asleep. I studied every aspect of her. It was all the same. Down to the last freckle. I stayed, staring at her, until my eyes drifted back into sleep.

I woke up back on the couch. Normally, I remember bits and pieces of dreams when I wake from them. This was not a dream. I remembered every single detail of the morning I just lived. It was real.

It was the drug.

The next night, I popped one again before I went to bed. This time was very similar. I woke up next to Lucy. This time I took a second to survey my surroundings. I looked at my phone. It was 7:13 am, April 19th. I looked at the year. It was about seven months before the accident. Jeanie’s 16th birthday. Today was the day she insisted on having a cool, “grown-up”, party. That’s what Lucy and I called it at least.

I heard Lucy stir next to me and turned to face her. I wasn’t about to freak out and waste the moment like last time.

“Good morning, my love,” I said. She hurriedly looked at her phone.

“What are you doing here? It’s 7:15!” She looked at me, obviously worried.

“Oh, I uh… took the day off. I wanted to spend it with you and Jeanie.” I smiled.

“Jeanie has school…”

“Then maybe just you.” I pulled her close and kissed her. She pulled away.

“This isn’t about the principal again, is it?” she asked.

“No, no. I really just took the day off. I decided last night.”

“Well, we have about 8 hours until Jeanie gets home from school, and about 6 before I have to start the party preparations. So, what do you want to do?”

The day was more than I could’ve ever asked for.

We didn’t do much, but nothing with her was better than anything without her. I figured I would wake back up when I went to sleep, but after about 5 hours, I suddenly blacked out. I woke up in my bed, but without Lucy. I was only out for about an hour.

This went on for another two nights. Taking the pill before bed and reliving whatever day the drug gave me. Lucy didn’t remember the other times that I was with her, so I was able to tell her I took the day off every time without her getting suspicious. The days didn’t seem to be of any importance, other than Jeanie’s birthday–they were just memories. Days where things seemed to be normal and forgettable when I lived them, now suddenly became the most important days of my life.

This is why I couldn’t wait to get home today. Jeanie was going to be at soccer for longer than the drug would last, and I was desperately missing Lucy. I took a seat on the couch and then heard the doorbell ring. Jeanie couldn’t be home already. I opened the door. It was Stella, Lucy’s friend.

“Hey, Mark.”

“Hey, Stella.” I leaned against the doorway, not knowing what else to say. We sat in silence for what felt like a lifetime. She ended up breaking it.

“I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner. I just… I didn’t know what to say.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’m okay.” I gave her my best smile.

“Okay. Just call if you need me.” She turned to walk out the door, but paused on her way out. “Oh, and Mark? Please be careful. Everyone needs someone.”

I closed the door and gave the conversation no thought. The only thing on my mind was seeing my wife again. I laid one of the candies on my tongue. The next thing I knew, I was at the state fair with her and Jeanie, getting sick on a ride. This was the fair where Jeanie won a massive stuffed animal. She was obviously too “grown-up” for those, so she gave it to a little girl behind her. This time, I blacked out after only about an hour in the memory. I woke up to Jeanie walking through the door. I raced to hide the bag before she could see it.

“Hey! I must’ve fallen asleep. How was your day? I uh–didn't think you’d be home so soon.” I could tell she noticed I was trying to hide something. She walked past me without meeting my eyes—something she never used to do.

Before the accident, she’d talk my ear off about soccer practice. Now “fine” was the longest word I got.

I sighed, considering putting another candy in my mouth. The bag had no instructions or warnings, and I don’t remember hearing anything from the lady who gave me them. I knew I shouldn’t, but so far they hadn’t affected me. It felt like a quick way to lucid dream. So I traveled to my bed and laid one in my mouth once again.

This memory was different from the others.

I woke up in the kitchen. I was standing in front of Lucy as she was washing the dishes. I felt for my phone to check the date. It was November 1st. Only a couple of weeks before that day.

“Really? You’re looking at your phone? I’m trying to talk to you, Mark! You seriously can’t even give me a second of your time, can you?” Oh no. I remember this fight. I was wanting to spend Thanksgiving with my parents, because my sister was in town, but we had agreed to alternate every year. Last year was my year. We ended up deciding to split up, which is why I wasn’t in the car that night. Why would the drug dump me here? I didn’t want to relive this.

“Hello? Mark?”

I looked up at her. “Sorry, sorry. Just been a long day. Hey, why don’t we just go to your parents. I shouldn’t have brought this up in the first place.”

She crossed her arms. “Really? You’re just giving up?”

I moved closer to her. “It’s not giving up, I’m just doing what I should’ve done in the first place.”

“We’ll go there next year, you know,” she said. I pulled her in close.

“I know we will.”

***

I woke up with a headache. I didn’t set an alarm because it was Saturday, but I must have fallen asleep soon after the memory wore off. Up until now, the drug felt completely random. That conversation was not random. I’ve relived that conversation in my head over and over again, blaming myself for what happened. If I had just given up.

I went to shower when I heard my phone ring. It was Kelly, my principal.

“Hello?”

“Hey Mark, just checking in. How have you been?”

“I’m okay. What’s wrong, Kelly?” She would never call me just to “check in.” Especially on a Saturday. There was something else to this.

“Well, I was wondering when you thought you would be back to work?”

“Um… Monday?” I asked, thoroughly confused.

“Oh, really? You can take longer if you need to. I would understand.” She sounded like she knew something I didn’t.

“No, I’m good to come back Monday, thanks, Kelly.”

I said goodbye and hung up. I've gotten this multiple times in the last 3 months. People trying extremely hard to care for me. Now I had Stella and my boss in just a few days. It felt like pity. I didn’t need pity. I needed my wife back. How is it that the only person able to make me feel better about my life is a lady selling Girl Scout cookies?

I went on about my day with a bitter taste in my mouth. I didn’t have any schoolwork, so I decided to finally clean out the attic. I had been avoiding it due to the fact that some of Lucy’s old trinkets she collected were up there. She would go to the different antique stores around town, find something she liked, and learn as much about the history of it as possible. Once she was done studying whatever the object was, she’d store it in the attic. I wasn’t planning to throw all of it away, of course, but I did want to at least go through it.

I pulled down the ladder when I heard a noise coming from the kitchen. The faucet was turned on. I read a text this morning from Jeanie that said she was going to a friend’s house, so it couldn’t be her. I started down the stairs.

“Hello?”

“Hey, honey, do you want blueberries or chocolate chips in your pancakes?”

I nearly fell. That was Lucy’s voice. I don’t remember taking the drug. Unless this was still from the last time I took it. But… I woke up from that. Didn’t I? I slowly made my way towards the kitchen. The faucet was off now. I didn’t see her anywhere.

“Lucy?” I called out.

Nothing.

I must be tired. My phone rang again. It was Stella.

“Hey, Stella”

“Hey, Mark.” She paused. “I’m sorry I haven’t called. How are you doing?”

“I’m fine. You told me to call you Stella,” I answered.

“Did I? I was a mess at the funeral. I don’t remember most of it.”

“I’m sorry, I have to go. Thanks for calling.” I hung up. The day turned to night, and I found myself in my bed, throwing another candy in my mouth. This one threw me right into the middle of the same conversation with Lucy. This time, she was yelling.

“Mark, we made this plan for a reason. You not sticking with it is why we have these fights. It’s idiotic!”

I went through this one the same way I did the other. Made sure I was calm, then tried my best to agree with her and calm her down. I had never relived the same memory twice in a row. I wondered if the drug had stopped working. I called Stella back once I woke up the next morning. I sat at the top of the stairs, hoping she could answer my questions.

“Stella, I ran into Elaine about a week ago. She gave me this candy…and…have you tried it before? I think it stopped working.”

“Who is Elaine? Mark, this is the first time I’ve talked to you in months, and you want to talk about candy?”

“She said you were friends. She was selling girl scout cookies outside of Walmart. And what do you mean by the first time we talked? You called me yesterday.”

“I don’t know an Elaine, Mark. I think whatever you took from that lady, you should throw away. Call me when you want to have an actual conversation.” She hung up.

She didn’t know Elaine? Maybe I didn’t catch her name correctly. I decided to call Jeanie, hoping she would know this Elaine. It went straight to voicemail. I went to our texts. Call me when you get the chance.

“Mom, let’s go! I’m hungry!”

It was Jeanie.

“I’m coming!” Lucy bolted down the stairs behind me.

No.

“Mark! We’re about to leave! Come say bye!” Lucy yelled from the front door.

No, please no.

I walked down the steps, desperately trying to wake up from this. I knew what was coming. I reached the front door, where Lucy was standing with her suitcase at her hip. She was leaving me. Again. And to her left was Jeanie. My sweet, beautiful Jeanie.

She was leaving too.

No.

“I figured you would want to say goodbye,” Lucy said with a smile on her face.

I fell to my knees, sobbing. “I can’t do this again. Please, don’t go. I can’t do it.”

Jeanie crouched down beside me. “Dad, it’s okay. We’re just leaving for a week. We’ll be back after Thanksgiving.” She hugged me. Lucy reached over as well.

“Honey, look at me,” she said. I turned my eyes towards her, tears still falling. “You don’t have to be alone. Everyone needs someone.”

“I need you, Lucy,” I yelled. “I need you both. I haven’t been able to function without you two,” I replied.

“We’re still here, Mark. She pointed to her temple. These memories didn’t come from nowhere. They came from you. Remember them, but don’t live in them. You have to try to make new ones.” Both of them rose from the floor and walked out the door.

***

I woke up from the drug for the last time. It was still Sunday. My mind was clear for the first time in a week. I hadn’t been to work at all this week, I realized. That’s what Kelly’s call was about.

Lucy wasn’t here. Jeanie was never going to come home. l rose from my bed and threw away the bag full of candy. I grabbed a picture of Lucy and Jeanie on my nightstand.

“I’ll try.”