The Gaslighting Therapist

Lesley's Diary

Entry 1

Today my therapist recommended that I start journaling. I was sceptical of the idea at first, but Dr. Haley always gets me, so I'll give it a try just for her. The only interesting thing that happened today was the movie I went to watch, and even that was disappointing. The main character got together with the female love interest... Don't get me wrong, my notebook of secrets. I'm not homophobic. I simply have a celebrity crush on the actor who played the male love interest, and I kept hoping I'd get to live vicariously through the protagonist. That was the only reason I even went to see the movie, and now it feels like a waste of time and money. I know that would be a problematic thing to say out loud, but unlike almost everyone else in the world, the paper cannot judge me. Maybe having a safe place to write down all of my internal thoughts is a brilliant idea after all. I must thank Dr. Haley for the suggestion during my next appointment.

Entry 2

I don't want to admit this to anyone, but... I think my best friend doesn't like me very much. No, actually, why should I doubt myself? I'm pretty sure she secretly hates me. If I told this to anyone but Dr. Haley, they'd think I'm being dramatic. No one believes my ability to pick up on subtle cues. I guess I'll write them down here so that I can re-read them whenever I feel unsure of my conclusions.

First, she doesn't really listen to me. I've been telling her all about my diet and fitness plans, trying to share my knowledge. I simply thought she could benefit from it as well, just like most people! I didn't call her fat or anything. She seemed to take it all the wrong way and told me with a fake smile "I'm happy for you and wish you luck, but I'm satisfied with my current lifestyle". As if I asked her anything about her lifestyle! She was clearly judging me for trying to get in shape. She must envy my willpower and looks, and I can't blame her for that, but she could at least try to support me.

Secondly, she never compliments my outfits like my other friends do. I tried to use direct communication like Dr. Haley advised and confronted her about that. She tried to mumble something about looks not being important to her, as if she thought that made her morally superior... Then she played the victim and said that I never compliment her either, like it was all about her! Case in point, she's just an envious... Whatever, I'll take the higher ground and won't insult her. She definitely deserves it, but I'm working on myself and learning to be the bigger person.

Entry 3

My husband finally took me out to dinner today. It was high time he picked up on my hints! At first, I thought it was going well. He even remembered what my favorite order was, though in retrospect, I'm convinced he must've just written it down somewhere. Probably to butter me up and distract my attention from what was really going on. He must've thought I would be too stupid to notice, but he kept glancing at the waitress! Of course, his excuse was the most predictable thing in the world. Apparently, he was just trying to get her attention so that we could order... He wanted her attention for sure, but the real reason for that was obvious! And that waitress girl kept tugging at her shirt, attempting to show off her non-existent chest under the guise of it being too hot. I wouldn't just sit there and be disrespected like that, so I got up and left without waiting for the food to arrive. I must speak to Dr. Haley and ask her if there are any ways to make my husband understand what he did wrong, because he still doesn't get it somehow... I guess it's my own fault for marrying such a moron. He must've put some evil spell on me to make me fall in love with him in the first place.

Entry 4

My whole family is falling apart. The child I'm trying to raise is getting out of control. She and my husband are ganging up on me now. She must've manipulated him somehow, because I don't get how else he could be on her side. I adopted her before even marrying him, and now she's made him into her flying monkey! All I did was point out her disrespectful behavior when she asked me why I was staring at her while she cooked. As if this isn't my house that I invited her to live in! When I calmly explained that I can stand wherever I damn please and look in whichever direction I want, she made a scene by crying and running to her beloved father. I've done everything for that brat, saved her from the life of an orphan, and this is how she repays me... If the two of them think I'm such a terrible person, they can keep each other while I go somewhere I'll be treated the way I deserve. It's a painful decision to make, but it has to be done for my own sake. I just wish I never adopted that ungrateful kid in the first place. Maybe then I could still keep that man... But then again, who needs him? He'll be the one crawling back in a few months anyway. I'm packing my things and going to stay with my mother for now. She'll be on my side, like she always is. After all, she's the woman I inherited my wisdom from.

Entry 5

Today is the day I burn this damned notebook.

I understand now. Took me so long to see it, but now it's clear at last. My therapist was never qualified to treat me. She sat there and nodded along to my rants, pretending to agree the whole time. But how was that supposed to help when that was never what I needed?

The fakeness of it all... I wish I noticed it earlier. But perhaps I wasn't ready to admit that the person I idolized could betray me in such an insidious way.

She only hurt me by making me want to continue our sessions, because now that I know the truth, I wish I never gave her my money at all. But that was surely the reason she wasn't honest earlier. She buttered me up so that I would keep coming and filling her wallet.

But her mask slipped today. She looked at me with that pathetic pitying look... and suggested I might have narcissistic tendencies. She must've suspected it for a while. That's how I know she's been lying to me the whole time by pretending to be on my side. She thinks I'm insane, like it's my perception that's flawed. All I needed was someone to truly understand me and not just pretend they do. But she's clearly not good enough at her job for that. I spent the entire session recounting to her all the ways others have mistreated me, rephrasing it over and over again, hoping to get through to her. But the moment she suggested "trying to look at it all from a different angle"... I knew what was happening. Ironically, she's the one who taught me the word... Gaslighting, it was. She made me feel crazy for being hurt by others' blatant rudeness and obvious contempt towards me. My soon-to-be ex-husband must've bribed her to try and convince me that I'm the problem. Good thing I'm smarter than that. This diary... it must've been him who gave her the idea to suggest that I keep it, so that he could one day find it and use it all against me. But I won't let him. I won't let anyone treat me like a doormat. So this is the last thing I'll ever write down here before destroying it all. I'll never leave evidence of my weaknesses like this ever again.