Katrina

I look around the large, beautiful mansion. I am sitting in a spacious living room, and light is streaming into the windows. The couch I am sitting on feels like velvet. I would never move again if I didn’t need to, but sitting in silence feels nearly impossible at the moment.

One minute I was with my boyfriend Bill, the next I woke up to a place that makes me feel like Mia Thermopolis seeing her castle in Genovia for the first time. Despite starting the day in my typical t-shirt and jeans, I'm now wearing a white satin dress. It fits my form perfectly. With no clock to tell me the time, I’ve estimated that I’ve been locked in here for nearly 48 hours. Locked in sounds a bit dark and menacing, but I have enjoyed every moment here. I would stay forever if I could. Other than being with my boyfriend Bill, I have no memory of what came before. Only what is now.

I force myself off the couch and start strolling through the house. Different activities are happening in each room. Beautiful naked men and women are posing while their bodies are being painted. One girl is in a ballet pose called the Arabesque. Her long left leg is stretched behind her with her right arm reaching forward. Her face looks peaceful, yet there is an unsettling look of discomfort behind it. I assume because she is holding such a difficult pose. It feels like an hour passes before I continue walking on. The next room has turned into a jungle where a small group of monkeys sits in a circle, almost as if they are conspiring amongst themselves. When a black snake drops from a tree onto one of the monkeys' backs, the monkey gently picks it up and begins to pet it. I knew this should seem odd, but it doesn’t. It is beautiful.

The next room I stroll by is different from the others. Still slightly mystical in its own way, but…what is it? A little dark? Sad? Heavy? I don’t know. I peek inside and look around the room. A little girl is wearing a black dress, sitting in the corner. Her dress is tattered and torn, revealing golden skin. She looked like she had just spent the last week playing on the beach. Her face told a different story. Despite her young beauty, her body was covered in scars. Scars that were constant and deep.

“Katrina, what are you doing here”? I blink, wondering who Katrina is. She continues in her soft, high voice, “I hurt very much. You know that I have been hurting for a very long time.” Her small voice is filled with pain. So much so that it brings tears to my eyes. “Don’t cry, Katrina. You have cried for too long. It is time this all ends.” I am not sure how this little girl knows my name, but she needs me. I can feel it deep in my bones. “What is your name?” I ask her. She smiles softly at me. “We knew each other once. It was a long time ago. You need to make the right decision so that this can all come to an end.” An overwhelming feeling comes over me- emotions I can’t and don’t want to understand. I stand up and run out.

Bill. Katrina. The little girl in the black dress. The monkeys, the snakes. The comfort and peace that have been flowing through my body slowly start to fade away. “STOP!” I yell out. I don’t know who I am yelling out to, but it is important, I know this. I look down at my pearly white satin gown, but instead of the princess garment I was wearing before, I am now wearing a white hospital gown with snake and monkey print. I feel like I am watching a movie as I watch the monkeys and snakes come to life on my gown. Unlike when I saw them happily coexisting in the mansion, they are now trying to kill each other.

I blink my eyes open and find myself staring at a white ceiling. I slowly look around at the white walls. Everything blends as if I'm not in an actual room but rather floating around in another white, unknown universe. I can feel the bed beneath me, though, so I know this is real. One distinct painting bobs in the air, as if held up by magical little beings. A ballerina. Her left leg is outstretched behind her with her right hand reaching forward. She is breathtakingly beautiful. Her face is calm, yet haunted. I feel as if I've known her my entire life. Maybe an old friend?

Suddenly, my mom is standing beside my bed with a concerned look on her face. “Katrina, it’s ok, baby girl.” Katrina. That is me. My momma always made me feel like I was a child again. I’m not, I'm 30 years old. Right? Tears are streaming down her face. “Momma, what’s wrong? Everything is ok.” I know nothing is ok. I don’t know why it’s not, but there's an overwhelming sense of dread. I begin to gasp for breath as this feeling begins to surround me. Every time I breathe, more and more dread enters my body.

I look over and see my father, my brother, my aunt, my uncle, and my best friend. They are all here. Why? I see a doctor and a nurse. I see a lady wearing a large pointy hat. A witch, maybe? I always expected witches to be terrifying, but this one had a kind, ancient face. It took a little of the fear away from me. Then my heart drops. My body goes on full alert as the doctor and nurse step aside and the little girl wearing a black dress walks up to my bed.

“I am so sorry, Katrina. We both knew this was how it had to end. It is inevitable.” Her soft, high voice has turned firm. Not mean or menacing but immovable. And then…the memories come crashing back.

Katrina. Dear sweet little Katrina. The little girl I once knew so well. The little girl who played in my parents’ yard, the little girl whose dad told her stories and sang her sweet lullabies as she fell asleep. The little girl was kind, sweet, and innocent. The little girl I left behind. I am Katrina. She is Katrina. At 13 years old, she is wise for her years and a far morally superior version of myself.

My father came to stand by my bed. “Daddy? Daddy, you can’t let this happen to me. I am Katrina. Please, keep me safe. We can fix this. I can be better, Daddy. Remember how you told me you would help me? You said you will always be by my side, no matter what.” My voice was shaking, my tone pleading. This couldn’t be happening. My dad gave me a sad smile. His eyes were shining with tears, but not one fell down his face. He wasn’t much of a crier. Never was. “It’s time, sweetie. You know that Katrina has been in pain for years. You haven’t been treating her well. We did our best to help you see how much you were hurting her. She has scars that will never heal. We can’t allow this to continue.” I see my best friend drop to her knees. She is sobbing and holding her head in her hands. Why the fuck did they bring her here?

The doctor, nurse, and witch slowly begin surrounding my bed. I knew that I couldn’t go on like this forever. I knew I had been hurting little Katrina for years. She had spent months and years begging me to change my ways. I couldn’t give up the years of self-deprecation, abusive relationships, and addictions that controlled my life. I looked over at Katrina. She was ready. It wasn’t going to be easy for her. It would be a painful surgery to replace her heart with mine. It would take a large dose of magic to reconnect the arteries and blood vessels. For her body tissue to accept a new heart. But it would work. I’ve known all of these years. Little Katrina would receive the chance to start anew. Without me, Katrina, fucking it up.

With my momma and daddy standing on either side of my bed, the nurse approached with a needle in hand. “This is going to sting, and then it will feel like you’ve had a few glasses of wine, Ok, honey? It will all be over soon.” I took one last look at my parents’ sad yet loving faces. They did everything they could. Now it was time for them to take care of their little Katrina. I take a deep breath and close my eyes. I listen to the sound of my heartbeat one last time, “Ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum.”