Fireworks

Here we are in a field getting ready to watch the 4th of July fireworks. Hunter had invited me…no…he KIDNAPPED me. He showed up at my door unannounced, which is entirely so like him, and said that we were going. It’s literally been less than 24 hours that I asked him to stay away from me. Why does he make things so difficult all the time?

I’m pretty sure I put up a little bit of a fight. I think I might have said no, but he was not in the listening mood. In all actuality, I just spent 3 hours on my couch ugly crying over our friend, so maybe no didn’t actually come out of my mouth. I do remember stating my case while he ran around my house picking up my shoes, a hat, and the blanket from my couch.

It’s hot and muggy outside. The air is thick and sticky. We barely spoke to each other on the way over. I could feel his occasional glance my way but I kept my head rested on the window, leaning as far from him as I could get. I was not supposed to be next to him. I am supposed to be as far as possible from him. This strategy has worked for me for decades and now that Danny is gone, I’m forced in the same vicinity, city, space, and car as him.

Danny, his brother by blood and mine by life experience, is no longer in this world. Tomorrow, we watch as they lower his body into the ground. How could we possibly be celebrating the holiday and watching fireworks when Danny can’t be here with us? How do we even get the right to smile again?

At least once we get to the site, it’s removed from everything. No one else is around. I am not in the mood to field away any rumors or glances today. I’ve dealt with enough of that since coming back to my home town. I had assumed enough time had passed since I walked away from this hellhole that they would have found more interesting topics to discuss. However, it seems their material got stale and my return for the funeral, with the added bonus of my now celebrity past friend, has renewed an old tale to tell. As much as I have fought the small town gossip, it’s usually in my favor and at the detriment of Hunter. He could not possibly care less, but I do. They talk about things they know nothing about and I’m not allowed to correct them. It’s infuriating.

The same blanket that I was wrapped on the couch in has now become our seat for when the fireworks begin. Hunter has a bag packed with some snacks. There’s beer, because I’ve never been a wine or mixed drink girl. He knows that I’m only a beer girl. Then, there’s some water. Theres some cashews. I have no idea how he remembers how much I love cashews, but here he is in all his perfection remembering. Theres a box of nerds, as if we are 10 again. It’s all annoyingly cute and I glance at his face and roll my eyes.

He still hasn’t forced any conversation. We sit pretty quiet with the exception of a quick, “Hand me that.” Or “Do you want some?”. At some point, the silence grows awkward and Hunter sets up some music on his phone. The skyline is growing darker and a few fireworks are sent off as testers to see if it’s dark enough yet. My best guess is that we still have around 10 minutes or so until showtime. Somehow, time seems to pass just fine, despite the lack of interaction.

I use my jacket as a pillow and lay flat on my back waiting for it to begin. Hunter lays back but turns to his side so that he’s looking at me. “What?”, I ask quizzically.

“I just can’t believe that you actually came and went along with this. I was expecting to have do a lot more to convince you to come.” His mouth smirks to one side and he hasn’t looked away from my face for even a millisecond.

“I’m all out of fight tonight, Hunter. I don’t have much left in me.” I sigh and close my eyes to try and stop the tears from streaming down. I can feel that they are going to break free anyways.

“I know you better than that. You always have fight left in you. You’ll never stop fighting me. And I’ll never stop trying to get back what we used to be. It’s our thing.” He frowns and now he’s glancing at the ground.

Suddenly, the sky booms to life. The first few are so loud and full of bass. You can feel the explosion in your chest. The colors bloom to life high above. Hunter has now laid all the way back with his hands behind his head. His legs are crossed and his long body is stretched beyond the edges of the blanket. I continue to watch as different shapes and colors fill the night. The smell of explosives is in the air.

I turn my head to the side and I can see him. The whole world sees a punk guy who performs crazy antics, finds ways to create as much turmoil as possible, one of the greatest entertainers of our time. I see my friend. I see the guy that has been in my life from the start of my memories. My first love. The boy who held my hand, kissed my cheek, and would fight anyone who dared to insult me, offend me, or hurt my feelings in any way. We never made love. We never were even boyfriend and girlfriend, but there was always love between us. He’s always had a piece of my heart and I know my place in his.

Right now, for this next hour, I want to keep him in my head as that boy. I want the whole outer world to disappear and let us remain this way forever. I can see the reflection of the fireworks in his eyes and his mouth lights up in a smile.

When we are together, just the two of us, his smile is different. It’s my smile, only meant for me. It’s the most genuine part of him. It’s a pure joy that he experiences without worry of any judgement, any rules, or any expectations. It gives off the same vibe as when a baby does a hearty belly laugh. I haven’t seen that smile in forever. He turns his head and says, “You’re missing them.”

I sigh heavily. “Right now, I’m not missing a thing.”

He leans in and kisses me on my forehead before he places one arm behind my shoulders. A warmth spreads through me. For the first time in a long time, I feel safe. I feel like I belong right here, right now. Today, we can lay here, perfect. Tomorrow, we lay Danny to rest. But we will deal with that tomorrow. Tomorrow, I have to get back to my life, the one I built without Hunter in it. Yet, I can still give him today. I can give him right now, but that’s all I have to offer.