The Lanton Ridge Town Council vs. The Devil

CLERK (MIRIAM):

All right now, this emergency session of the Lanton Ridge Town Council is hereby opened at 9:14 PM, January 5th.

Topic on file: “Unusual disturbance beneath residential property at 23 Grover Lane.”

In attendance: Mayor Tiernan, Sheriff Harrow, Father Ríos, and Council Members Roth, Winters, Colt, and property owner Adler.

Proceeding recorded by myself, Miriam Jensen, Council Clerk.

MAYOR TIERNAN:

Thank you, Miriam. Let’s keep it respectful tonight. We’re not here to panic, just to understand and decide.

Mr. Adler, since this began on your property, would you mind starting?

MR. ADLER (elderly):

Good evening.

So—it started yesterday evening. I was working under the house, clearing debris, patching some old cracks. I started digging near the back footing and hit something solid. Looked like old, black stone.

SHERIFF HARROW:

He means a portal. A hole, but not like sinkhole-deep. It’s maybe five feet across, and it goes… somewhere it shouldn't. It’s glowing red now. Pulses every few seconds. Vibrates through the floor. You know, like in movies.

MS. ROTH:

Excuse me—glowing?

MR. ADLER:

It didn’t glow right away. At first, it just looked like old rock. A ring of them, sort of. But then—well, it started after I—

MR. COLT:

After you what?

MR. ADLER:

I had to relieve myself. I didn’t want to come back upstairs, my legs give me trouble, you know. So I just used the corner. Didn’t realize it had run toward the stones. Toward the runes.

MS. ROTH:

They were runes?

MR. ADLER:

Seems that way, yes. Around the edges. Carved in deep, but covered with dirt till then. Didn’t start glowing till… well.

MAYOR TIERNAN:

So you peed on some demon runes and opened a gate to hell.

MR. ADLER:

Not on purpose.

MAYOR TIERNAN:

No one is accusing, Mr. Adler. What matters now is what we do.

SHERIFF HARROW:

We can’t confirm what it is. But something came through. Three somethings. Small, hostile.

MS. ROTH:

You mean demons.

SHERIFF HARROW:

I mean armed citizens—Mr. Adler’s neighbors—shot them dead before they reached Main Street.

MR. COLT:

So we handled it. End of story.

MS. ROTH:

It’s not the end. What if more come through?

MR. ADLER:

I boarded it up. With salt. And steel. I—I found things online.

MS. ROTH:

You didn’t think to call the sheriff before you started using witchcraft?

MR. ADLER:

I didn’t know what it was.

MAYOR TIERNAN:

That’s why we’re here. The question is whether we report this beyond town jurisdiction, or we keep it contained.

MR. COLT:

We report it, and next day we’ve got trucks, tents, soldiers in hazmat suits, scientists poking around, and no town left to call home.

MS. ROTH:

Better than letting it fester.

MRS. WINTERS:

I’ve seen this sort of thing… on television.

FATHER RÍOS:

If I may.

MAYOR TIERNAN:

Yes, Father Ríos. You’ve seen the site?

FATHER RÍOS:

Briefly. But I felt a presence. There are ancient forces at work beneath that home.

I believe it can be closed. But it would need the proper rites and materials. There are… professional services that provide such things.

MS. ROTH:

You mean like… the Church?

FATHER RÍOS:

Professional exorcists. Former clergy, some of them. Private and discreet. They work under the name Ordo Sodalitas Ignium. Latin for Order of the Fellowship of Fire.

MS. ROTH:

You’re not serious.

FATHER RÍOS:

They are. Very. You won’t find them on the parish registry, but I’ve spoken with them before. They have a web site.

MR. COLT:

And they’d come all the way out here?

FATHER RÍOS:

Yes. For a price.

MR. COLT:

How much?

FATHER RÍOS:

It depends on the depth and the risk. But they only accept payment in Bitcoin.

MR. COLT:

Bitcoin?

MAYOR TIERNAN:

Can’t we just use PayBuddy?

MS. ROTH:

It’s… it’s Pal. PayPal.

FATHER RÍOS:

No. They only take Bitcoin.

MS. ROTH:

Do we even have any Bitcoin, Mr. Tiernan?

MR. COLT:

Does anyone even know what it is? Like, what does it look like?

MRS. WINTERS:

I saw it once. A block made of numbers. It kept unfolding. I didn’t sleep that night.

CLERK MIRIAM (quietly, for the record):

Note: Lanten Ridge does not currently own Bitcoin.

MAYOR TIERNAN:

Maybe we need an expert. You know… a tech person. In the meantime, we can Google it. 'Bitcoin demon payment', just in case.

MS. ROTH:

This is a serious matter, Mr. Tiernan. You can’t just Google your way out of hell.

MR. COLT:

Or, we send someone through. Just for a look. Maybe we can negotiate.

MS. ROTH:

Negotiate, with who?

MRS. WINTERS (softly):

The Devil. That’s what it is, isn’t it? I have…

FATHER RÍOS:

We don’t know that.

MS. ROTH:

And who, exactly, are we thinking of sending into hell?

MR COLT:

I’ve got some military training. And the Lanten Ridge Guard kids? They’d love the chance to shoot at something that fights back.

MS. ROTH:

This is a serious matter, Mr. Colt, not a hunting trip.

MRS. WINTERS:

I saw a show last year. A series. Awful business. People disappeared. Town got swallowed.

We ought to seal it. Cement the whole basement.

SHERIFF HARROW:

We seal it, and hope that’s enough?

FATHER RÍOS:

It may not hold forever. But it would buy us time. If you’d like, I can bless the cement.

MS. ROTH:

Well, that’s something.

MAYOR TIERNAN:

All right. We’ll put it to a vote.

MR. ROTH:

But first, Father, for the record: is sealing it wrong?

FATHER RÍOS (after a pause):

No. Sealing it is not a sin.

MS. ROTH (quietly):

I meant wrong as in mistake.

MAYOR TIERNAN:

Before we vote about cementing, does anyone have any other practical suggestions?

MS. ROTH:

My niece is a litigator. Fought a cult zoning case last year.

MR. COLT:

My nephew’s a survivalist podcaster. He’s got flamethrowers.

MRS. WINTERS:

I know a man with a dog that senses demons. I’ll bring him.

SHERIFF HARROW:

We are not deputizing a dog.

MS. ROTH:

Better than sending kids into hell with rifles!

MR. COLT:

They’re not kids, they’re cadets! Lanten Ridge Guard has protocol!

MAYOR TIERNAN:

God help me. Let’s form a subcommittee.

MR. ADLER (his voice, but not his tone):

ENOUGH.

MS. ROTH:

But—Mr. Adler, really—

CLERK MIRIAM:

Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to lower your voice.

MR. ADLER:

THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

MR. COLT:

Excuse me? We’re here because of your little hell-hole, remember?

MR. ADLER:

I CAME ALL THIS WAY TO POSSESS SOULS AND THIS IS WHAT I GET?

MAYOR TIERNAN:

Sorry—what now?

MR. ADLER:

I’m not Mr. Adler. I’m the Devil. Satan. Belzebub. Lucifer. Pick a name. But my colleagues in Lead Acquisitions, Infernal Division just call me Luci. Is there anyone competent I can speak to?

CLERK MIRIAM (quietly, for the record):

This isn’t what I signed up for.

SHERIFF HARROW:

Well, I’m the elected sheriff of this town, so soul-possession falls under our jurisdiction, mine and Father Ríos’s. Right, Father?

FATHER RÍOS:

I… I bring holy water. And a cross. Just in case...

SHERIFF HARROW:

Father Ríos? Where are you going?

MR. ADLER (a long, weary sigh):

How much bitcoin were you going to throw at those exorcists? Ballpark it.

FATHER RÍOS:

I… one. Just… one.

MR. ADLER (still Luci):

One? That barely covers consultation. You were hoping for premium service?

Give me two and I’ll leave. You never see me again.

FATHER RÍOS:

But… we don’t actually have any Bitcoin. Could we just pay you?

MR. ADLER:

Technically… I have a bank account. I use it for ad revenue.

MS. ROTH:

Ad revenue? What kind of ads?

MR. ADLER (definitely Luci):

Oh, we make the usual content. Evil governments. Shadowy organizations. Big Pharma. Vaccines. Mind control. Weather weapons. You know—fear bait.

Big scary slogans at the end: “Who do you believe... to?”

Very popular.

MRS. WINTERS:

Those are my favorites. I won a toaster once.

MR. COLT:

Yeah! I’ve seen those. Very dramatic. Real eye-opener stuff. You should think about running for office.

MS. ROTH:

You could start here. Lanten Ridge’s mayoral seat is wide open next cycle.

MAYOR TIERNAN:

I’m right here, Roth.

MS. ROTH:

We love you, Marcus, really. But you talk about infrastructure and tree-lighting ceremonies. The world is on fire. We need someone who understands dread.

MR. ADLER:

Okay. That was a detour. Back to business.

Two Bitcoin was the ask, but I’m flexible. I’ll take dollars.

MS. ROTH:

Why does the Devil need dollars?

MR. ADLER:

We’re not in the Middle Ages. Mass possession, fire from the sky—that’s all very dramatic.

But these days? It's cleaner to fund the right people. They’ll do the work themselves. You just have to make sure they don’t get too eager. We want suffering, not wasteland.

MS. ROTH:

Now that sounds properly evil.

Why not pay us?

FATHER RÍOS:

Ms. Roth, what exactly are you suggesting?

MR. COLT:

Let her speak.

MS. ROTH:

This place is forgotten. It’s not on anyone’s map. No investments. No jobs. No future.

People here survive—barely—but they don’t live. Maybe we could help. Call it… long-term development.

MAYOR TIERNAN:

Would I still be mayor?

MS. ROTH:

We’d have to work out the terms.

FATHER RÍOS:

You’re talking about cooperation with him.

This isn’t negotiation. It’s blasphemy.

CLERK MIRIAM (quietly, for the record):

This isn’t what I signed up for.

SHERIFF HARROW:

I’ve got court filings at seven and a welfare check at eight.

If the laws stay on paper and no one starts vanishing, I’m not filing an objection.

MRS. WINTERS:

I saw one where people turned. Quiet. One by one.

Like body thieves. Or parasites.

MR. COLT:

I’m not worried about us. I’m worried about the people who live here.

MR. ADLER (Luci, lightly amused):

Oh, don’t be.

As long as you help me, Lanton Ridge stays… stable.

Jobs. Money. Purpose.

The suffering goes elsewhere. There’s plenty to go around.

MR. COLT:

Right. Just wanted to be clear.

MR. ADLER (smiling now):

I appreciate that.

You’d be surprised how rare it is.

CLERK MIRIAM (quietly, for the record):

Meeting adjourned. 10:17 PM.