To Dream Big

June Cloud’s head pounded as she wobbled her way out of her car after driving through heavy traffic after a long day in the office. She wanted to set aside some time to do something away from life, but she prided herself on pressure, despite denying it over and over. She was raised with the philosophy that whatever she wanted she had to go out and earn it. She was someone who never stopped dreaming, so she never stopped working. She wanted to travel, live comfortably, get an education, and play music for the rest of her life. 

Today, June was more than happy to make it home and flop on her bed under the heavy weight of the world on her shoulders. She didn’t have the energy to do what she wanted, which right now was to play her cello. It always brought her joy; whenever she couldn’t have any words to say, she would let her instrument do the talking. When Bella, her cella, would play, it was like it played the story of her life, even if the notes were pitchy, she sometimes wasn’t holding the bow right, or sometimes dropped the instrument. She managed to land some gigs, but consistency was hard with a full-time job and the last reliable employee left, so she would have to make more of an effort to keep her job, fund the bills, and the future goals that she wasn’t entirely sure she’d live to keep. Not that her life was in danger; it’s just that she knew death is known to be unpredictable yet expected for everyone. Like what Macbeth said, “Out, out, brief candle! Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts upon the stage and then is heard no more!” 

The only burning thing that June noticed was her head, and she was breaking out into a cold sweat. Oh no.

“Come on, June,” June said to herself as she poured some orange juice and brewed some immune-boosting tea. She always liked the Yoqi brand because of their uplifting hippy messages on the ends of the strings of the tea bags. She also liked the sweet honey-lavender taste whenever she was congested feeling. “Getting sick is NOT allowed! You have a big presentation tomorrow, you need to buy birthday presents for Mom, you have lunch with Randal this weekend, you have groceries to get, clean the apartment, church on Sunday, and you’re going back to school on Monday!” It was Thursday, and June normally took four days to rejuvenate, including the wet cough and sniffles after a fever. 

The rest of the evening was a blur to June, and all she could remember was scrolling through horror stories on YouTube, checking her TikTok, and stressing about how tomorrow was going to work out. What was going to happen if tomorrow didn’t go according to plan? No, it will go according to plan because I will not stay home! If high school doesn’t spare their students extra homework if they’re out sick, then work is no different. 

With that, June put her phone away with its three morning alarms on top of her bed and quickly went up in her undergarments to turn down the AC. She struggled to go to sleep that night. 

When she finally did, her eyes were wide open. She could taste the school’s food and once she made it to the bathroom, she was astounded. 

So many bathroom stalls, clean stalls, yet she could not pick one to relieve herself in. The smell of Clorox hit her nostrils, then the lights of the bathroom practically blinded her. After passing large mirrors, she finally found the exit. 

Now, she was finding her way in the estate of a large rusty old mansion. It smelled of old people, pot, and dogs. It stung her nose, made her head hurt, and she was sweating because the AC was broken. Many doors within the beautiful old house. An old house she happened to be the mistress of, with her husband being about sixty while she was twenty-seven. 

“You’ll never believe what we found!” said the butler with well cut hair, green eyes, in a tux and with a plaid tie. The maid, in a typical maid outfit from the Roaring 20’s, appeared behind him holding a chest full of gold bars. “We’ve uncovered an old family fortune underneath the staircase!”

“Oh wow!” said June, brimming with excitement as she tugged on her husband’s arm. “We can finally retire in the Philippines like you wanted!”

“Yeah.” June looked down at the floor, its cold tile floors, and then at her old husband who was leaning down to kiss her. Everything was going a bit too well. He had just given her five puppies in their dream home in upstate New York! Wait, this is a dream isn’t it?I was just at work yesterday going over my five-year plan. 

June looked back up at her husband who only gave her a blank stare instead of a loving gaze. She slowly let go of his arm and backed up two steps. He was still just as close to her as if she never did. Five steps. Same result. Too close for comfort. Then she ran. Or tried to. She felt like she was running on a treadmill but at the same time she was running in slow motion. 

It was like her husband’s shoes were sliding on the floor just for him to be close to her. His hands reached out for her, and his fingers stretched as far as Slenderman’s just to touch her hair. June looked back and found her husband’s eyes had turned black and his cheek bones grew hollow like a corpse’s. Doors upon doors, she could feel him breathing into her ear, “Play for me, bella.”

Before he could catch her, however, she was back in her full-size bed for a legally single woman with a sharp, piercing headache and a feverish cold sweat. June’s heart was racing, and she looked around her room, expecting sleep paralysis to inflict her and for her to see a creepy head peeking from her closet door. There were none. That still freaked her out. 

She could recall everything like it was a slightly faded memory. Almost like embracing a motion picture as her personal history. June looked at the alarm clock on her nightstand and saw it read 1:24 AM. She went to sleep at 10 PM and her first alarm wouldn’t ring for another four hours. Great.

Just the thought of going to sleep made her head hurt even more. Her body ached, and after a 99-degree temperature, it was obvious that she would need to stay home.

Come on, June! You’re stronger than this! She quickly poured herself some more orange juice and drank it all in one gulp. She was too awake to go back to sleep. She did some chores around her home, played her instrument a little bit, and rehearsed her presentation. But around 3 AM, she was feeling just as heavy as she did when she got home, yesterday. 

Instead of obeying June’s body’s command to go to bed, she went on her phone. 

The rest of that day was a blur. June managed to drive down the dangerous highway under the painful gazes of. The sun during the morning rush to her office, barely dressed up for her presentation with her frizzy bun and wrinkly clothes, her stomach hurting from breakfast, and the cramps in her abdomen area were telling her that Aunt Flo was at her door. Unfortunately, she always forgot cough drops when she did. 

June’s boss told her to go home because she was looking gray and pale as a ghost, and she almost fainted while listening to him give her the day’s agenda. June didn’t want to leave so soon, not when her team depended on her, and she was on a tight schedule. 

Her boss wasn’t asking. 

All June could hear were the cars driving past her as her head pounded and her mind bubbled with the things that could go wrong because she wasn’t following the plan that day and created what-ifs for tomorrow. 

“Goodbye nine hours of PTO, scheduled date with Randal, and precious time with my cello that I love to scrape time out of the day. Oh, yeah I still need to pick up medicine, grab groceries…” Just because I leave early doesn’t mean I take a break from life.

June woke up to see a bright light flash into her eyes as she felt the inertia of rear-ending someone before waking up in bed in the middle of the night. She was breathing even harder this time. 

“What just happened?” After June lightly slapped her face to see if she was actually awake, she analyzed her own health, noticed her nose was still slightly congested, her headache was gone, she didn’t feel feverish, and she was already developing a bit of a cough. She checked her alarm clock, and it read 3:47 AM. Her phone declared it was a Saturday. 

June lay in bed for a few minutes before flipping her sheets and stew some tea. She wasn’t in the mood for caffeine. She blankly stared at the wood of the desk she sat at, looking into her dreams of performing in a college orchestra, writing acapella music for church, getting her first home in beautiful upstate New York, getting married in a beach setting, having kids, and starting her own crafting business of which she was currently en route to getting a certificate in Marketing at the local community college. 

June then found herself scrolling through different airlines, gazing at numerous prices for dream vacations or dream homes that she would never get to go on because it wasn’t the right season. June was feeling more deflated than ever now. 

A sip of her tea, and she caught a glimpse of a flashcard scripture she had taped to her bedroom wall at her desk area, and it read, “But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Take therefore no thought for the morrow; for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.” It was from the book of Matthew in King James Version. 

It was just then that June realized how slightly chilly the apartment was, and how comfy her desk chair was. She had a reading list she hadn’t tackled and Bella was still standing there in the corner waiting to be played; and there she had a long reading list she had been piling up for the past few months. Then she looked at her Bible. When was the last time she actually read it? 

It had been so hard lately to sit down and read for wisdom when June had piled up her life to the point of getting sick over it. Or did she ever get sick? It was all a daze. 

Well, since it was the weekend, she saw no reason to stress. Take time to focus on something else, and perhaps someone else, too. 

Now that she had gotten a call from her dad, who had texted her, 

“June, I’m very sorry. But your mom has gone to be with Jesus. She got rear-ended by a semi.” June couldn’t taste her tea anymore and stared at her phone like her husband from her dreams, only to see her own reflection stare back at her.

Oh, well, I guess I don’t have to worry about last-minute shopping now. June slammed the screen face down and put her face down to drown herself in her tears. Her desk smelled like teakwood. With the salty tears, she smelled the memories of numerous family camping trips. 

That was how June Cloud came up with her first piece as a cellist, “To Dream Big.” Classical music waltzing with contemporary. To dream big and live her life. But to live, she would from then on spend every day, even her bad days, as if she or her loved ones could be taken at any moment, with rippling effects of time translated to the vibrations Bella gave her under the candlelight. With the scriptures to keep her grounded, June knew where she needed to be.

“Life sucks. But every day is brought by God. Therefore, it will be a good, beautiful day.” June would always end her performances by blowing out a single candle on the table next to her.