Stagnant Growth

5 June 2023

I don’t like writing titles for my entries anymore. I realized it limits my thought-process. I’m not winning with managing that, by the way. I recall you scolding me for always getting lost in my head and never truly being present in any moment. ‘She’s a constant dreamer’, you’d say. Sometimes I didn’t know whether you secretly adored me for it and pretended otherwise when your ‘guests’ were around, or resented me. Your guests were my aunts, uncles and cousins but we never quite got along like family should. Or could. So, I’d call them your guests whenever my friends asked who was home.

Friends. I don’t have any now, but back then you were bothered by all of mine. I wonder why you forced yourself to invite them over when you knew you couldn’t stand their mannerisms. At the time, I found it funny but now I get it. They didn’t eat with their mouths closed; they walked in and helped themselves to the TV without your invitation and we made so much noise the entire time. I wish I could apologize to you for that now. Just that. It was unfair to you, even in my oblivion I should’ve been sensitive to that since I figured out that you didn’t like their visits.

The bible talks about carrying each other’s burdens. Perhaps I should’ve carried that one with you or done away with it. If only I’d told them to go bark in their homes and annoy their own parents. I’m sorry, Mom. I was too busy trying to fit in with them and have a clique of my own y’know? Yeah, I bet you’d know what I mean. I can see you right now, in my head, giving me that look with your right eyebrow raised. I always felt like I confused you most of the time, like you couldn’t quite understand me.

Anyway, I miss you. I think I miss knowing you were around if I needed anything, even though I never really needed anything more than you had to give. I like to believe that gave you some relief; that I never bothered you about fancy shoes and expensive dresses. I figured I’d get that stuff myself when I grew up. It really all gave me something to look forward to back then, and here I am now. I have most of the shoes I like and a lot of dresses I haven’t worn yet. I wish you could see it all. And see me.

Anyway, it’s June and it’s cold. I hate winter. Wearing layers and layers of clothes just to avoid a cough which you eventually catch anyway. It’s like there’s a biological switch somewhere that heightens susceptibility to flu during flu season and season change, no matter how much precaution you take. I don't buy flu medication anymore. I finally convinced myself last year that it’s a waste of money and I can just pick lemons from the neighbor’s tree if I feel any symptoms coming along. She’s so kind. I want to do something nice for her this year, I just don’t know what yet. I’m trying to understand what she likes and doesn’t like; pick her habits and such. I even stalked her with her son carrying groceries last week. I’ll figure it out. If I don’t, I’ll just buy her flowers and thank her for being a good neighbor.

That reminds me of that commandment in the bible about loving your neighbor as you love yourself. I have a pretty lovable neighbor but I know that God isn’t talking about the neighbor living next to you only. He demands the best, our Father in heaven. Thank you for teaching me about Him, even though I never took Him seriously and got in trouble each time you prompted us to pray.

You were a good mom. You tried your best, and I’m grateful. Okay. I’ve been writing this for over an hour now, I have to go my lunch hour’s up and I still have to walk back to the office. Bye.

7 July 2023

What is the point?

I added a title today. I know. It’s not exactly a good day today. There hasn’t been a good day since I last went to church, last month. I’m so exhausted from that service. It’s like my heart keeps shattering…over and over again. I have to go. Lunch’s over. Bye.

9 September 2023

Learning from mistakes…

I like the titles again. They give me a trace of what I’ve spoken about before so I don’t waste my pages. I’m trying to contribute to the preservation of our world, one small step at a time. Anyway, I feel like apologizing for being away for so long, to myself and to you, Mom. I’ve missed you but I was struggling with what happened in June. It was a lot to process and I didn’t have you to ask what I should do. I just asked myself ‘WHO ARE YOU’ while looking in the bathroom mirror at church and I realized that I didn’t know the answer.

It broke me.

More than anything, I think it made me realize that my identity was in all the things I have and what I can afford that you…that we couldn’t afford when I was younger. I put my value in stuff. And then I felt angry and resentful towards you because I was blaming you for not teaching me who I was. It ate me up, day in and day out, until one Sunday I went to the youth pastor to ask for help with what I was feeling. She was always so kind and literally lived the ‘open door policy’ so I knew I could trust her, although I’m like a decade older than the cut off age for youth in our church.

She opened the bible and it was like I was encountering it for the very first time when she shared key scripture that spoke to our identity. My identity is not in my dresses and shoes. It’s embedded in Christ. It was all exciting until I went to God (prayed) with expectation that he would answer immediately and He didn’t. I was so discouraged and I stopped praying but I also couldn’t go back to the Evelyn (youth pastor) and tell her I’d quit. Shame had me in a vicious cycle of self-hatred and sabotage. I started drinking again. Oh, I didn’t tell you that I struggled with drinking for a good six months in 2020, until I got my first official job as a graphic designer and earned a heavy cheque. That job saved my life- and pastor Evelyn told me that that was God’s grace, not a coincidence.

So, I started drinking really bad and missed a submission deadline for a big logo design competition that would’ve earned me $5000. I wanted to be mad but I knew it was my fault and decided to find a solution instead of wallowing in shame. I was looking for a motivational book I’d bought while at university, and found my bible first. Another coincidence? Definitely not.

I started reading it and this guy…Apostle Paul hit the nail on the head when he mentioned how we can’t be re-nailing Jesus to the cross by going back to old habits. And the book of Proverbs says that repeating sin and evil things is like a dog returning to its vomit. That cut deep but it saved me from me. Again. So, I’ve been meeting with Pastor Evenlyn every week and she’s been such a great help.

Also, I donated so many of the dresses I hadn’t yet worn to the foundation that’s in partnership with our church. The church leaders mention it every Sunday and it just came to me on Tuesday night to give some of my wardrobe away. I was so happy doing it. I can’t believe all this has happened in one year. I wish you were here with me, although I’m not too sure you’d understand where I’m coming from.

Pastor Evelyn says I shouldn’t blame you anymore. I’m trying. I think I held on to resentment before you were even gone, and it’s been eating me up all this time. Now that God is no longer such a big, strong stranger, I should be better soon. Healthier and more loving.

I’ll probably stop writing these entries soon, Mom. I love you forever but I was telling Pastor Evelyn that maybe writing is weighing me down far more than helping at this point. It’s time to move on from venting like this. I don’t want the reminders and I don’t want to be bitter anymore. I have to go. Lunch was over thirty minutes ago. Love you, Mom. Bye.