Starting Over

CW: Mental health, physical violence

The morning sun crept through the bedroom window and slowly engulfed the bed where Angela was sleeping. Half opening her eyes, Angela silently rubbed the sleep from her eyes. The covers were thrown aside and Angela stumbled into the bathroom. She reached for the faucet, turned on the water and waited until the water was just the right temperature. She stepped into the shower and allowed the water to wash over her face. Thoughts began tumbling inside her head. The fear of not knowing what God had in store for her began to overwhelm her. Angela began to sob a prayer. " Dear God, I don't understand why I had to become a widow at 58 years old. God, you know I needed Ray in my life. He loved me like no other. My life will never be the same. Please, God, help me find my way on this new journey. What do I do now? Where do I go from here? God, I am leaning on you to be my guide and my strength. Lead the way Heavenly Father, I am trusting in you.

Angela reached for the towel on the hook, dried off, stepped out of the shower and began her morning routine. As she began brushing her silky brunette hair, a flashback entered her thoughts, back to the fateful night that changed her life forever.

It happened one autumn night. Angela had helped her double amputee husband, Ray, into the narrow hospital bed that Hospice had supplied. Something clicked in her head. Something told Angela that things were not right. After tucking Ray into bed, Angela's mind was working overtime. She quietly cleared the room, removing the wheelchair, the walker, and Ray's prosthetics. Fear crept in but Angela stayed on task. She kissed Ray on the forehead and quickly left the room. That night, Angela placed their two dogs in the master bedroom, and again something came over here. A feeling of uncertainty.

Ray and Angela had been married for 26 years. They were so much in love and lived a fairy tale life. But one day, cancer knocked on their door and their fairy tale marriage began to unravel.

Angela and Ray always shared the same bed, but with Ray on Hospice, Angela slept in the bedroom down the hall. Tonight something wasn't quite right. Angela dressed for bed, then walked to the door and locked the bedroom door. This action never happened before. Angela loved Ray and locking the bedroom didn't sit well. She climbed into bed and pulled both of her dogs a little closer and snuggled under the covers.

Sleep came quickly for Angela. 2:00 am ticked on the clock on the wall. The dogs jumped off the bed where Angela was sleeping. They began to growl. Angela heard a thumping sound outside the bedroom door. The sound grew louder and closer. By now the dogs were on edge. Every hair on the dogs backs were standing straight up. A fear crept over Angela's entire body. A fear that she never experienced before. All of a sudden the door knob began to turn. Angela's skin began to crawl. Fear gripped her entire being. Angela was afraid. Next, Angela could Ray pleading for Angela to open the door. Ray said, "Angela, unlock the door, I need your help," Angela froze. She didn’t know what to do or say. Angela was terrified. She could hear Ray trying to open the bedroom door. Ray became angry and began shouting at Angela. " Angela, you open this door immediately! I need you to understand one thing; if I am dying you are going wirh me." Angela began backing away from the door. She grabbed the gun out of the dresser drawer and reached for her cell phone. She fumbled with the phone for a second and with hands trembling, Angela dialed 911.

Ray kept demanding that Angela unlock the door. He began screaming louder and beating his fists on the door. The dogs were barking loudly with sharp teeth showing, as their protection mode took over. Angela heard sirens, dogs barking and Ray screaming. Angela had informed the policeman to come around to the patio doors, as it wasn't safe for her to unlock the bedroom door and get past Ray.

The police arrived, Angela had forgotten that she had a handgun in her hand. She was trying to wrangle the dogs into their cages so the police could enter the home. The police officer began yelling loudly, "Ma'am, put the gun down and step away from the dogs!" By now Angela's next door neighbor screamed at the officer, don't shoot her, please don't shoot. She is only trying to protect herself!" Angela was shaking all over She laid the gun on the dresser and walked over to unlock the patio doors. The officer grabbed Angela's hand and said,"Please tell me you didn't shoot your husband." Angela began sobbing and said, "No, Ray said he was going to kill me. I grabbed the gun to protect myself."

All of a sudden Ray had managed to knock the door down. He was crawling and screaming and was quickly making his way across the floor. He grabbed Angela by the ankle and welded the knife at Angela. The police officer began yelling," Sir, please put the knife down! Put the knife down now! After several attempts Ray managed to stab Angela on the back of the ankle. Blood began profusely pouring out of the fresh wound. The police officer reached for his gun in his holster. In a split second, a shot rang out and Ray's body went limp. Angela was screaming and yelling, "No, Ray. No, not Ray!" In the confusion the room began to sway and Angela passed out.

Life was never the same. The funeral was a blur and nothing made sense to Angela. Angela shook her head back to the present moment and decided she would have to pack a suitcase and leave this place. The fairy tale marriage ended on tragedy and Angela was left wondering how she would ever be able to pack her entire life into one suitcase. She didn’t want any reminders of the way her marriage ended. Cancer and a bullet ended everything that was pure, true and just. A new beginning, in a new town was the only way Angela could go on. With tears in her eyes Angela scooped her dogs into her arms, walked out of the nightmare and set out on a new beginning.