Waiting in Eternity

Thump, thump. Thump, thump. My heart starts to race as I glance at the clock on the wall. It ticks by with each second sounding like a rapidly intensifying heartbeat. Tick, tick, tick. Thump, thump. Thump, thump. The seconds are all equal, but the growing anticipation as each second passes makes me increasingly nauseous. My heart is struggling to keep up with the anxiety; its ever-increasing beating feels like it is about to leap out of my chest. A pit is forming in my gut; a black hole whose only existence is to suck my heart, my lungs, my very lifeblood into its infinite gravitational pull. Nothing can escape. My heart, my lungs, my very lifeblood is all consumed into this pit; my entire existence is disappearing over the event horizon as my eyes and ears stay fixed to the plain clock on the wall and the tick, tick, tick of the eternal heartbeat that erupts from it. The clock reads 11:58. In this moment, time is eternal; all-encompassing; never ending. Yet, it is also nothingness; meaningless; an inane human concept that cares not for the struggles of mere mortals. What gives us the power to be able to say it’s 11:58? On the other side of the world, it’s different. What time is it on the Moon? What time is it to the space traveler flying through galaxies at the speed of light? What time is it in Heaven? In Hell? Does God care about the time? If He doesn’t, why do I? But does He care?

What is the point of life? This beyond meaningless existence where we can be happy one day and our entire world crumbles like ancient ruins battered by Mother Nature, Herself, the next day. Then who is to care about those ruins? Who is to rebuild them? Who is to care about me as I crumble? In forty years of life, I have discovered how to crawl; learned to walk; started to talk; mastered algebra; survived calculus; began a career; vowed to love my best friend, my one and only true love, the one who gives meaning to my life, the mother of my children, the very reason I could ever tolerate this painful existence called life, for the entirety of my malignant existence on this floating rock in eternity.

Thump, thump. Thump, thump.

My eyes dart to the floor lamp standing in the corner of the room. A soft, yellow glow emits from the shade. A soft, yellow glow that is meant to be calming; a distant distraction from the intimidating, sterile, factory-like fluorescent tubes overhead. An angelic yellow halo forms on the ceiling from the lamp. There are no saviors here; there are no guardian angels; God’s grace cannot and will not extend into my miserable existence. My mind races back to when I was a teenager, sitting in a church pew between my parents and my brothers. ‘Fire and brimstone will surround the souls of the damned,’ the preacher cries from the ornate stage of the church, surrounded by stunning stained glass in each window. The stained glass prevents a view of the outside world, almost insinuating that the outside world doesn’t matter. All that matters is here in the unconditional love of a great and powerful and all-loving God. ‘God will eternally damn those sinners. They will scream. They will grind and gnash their teeth. Their souls will be devastated with remorse from the rejection of God’s love and eternal Heavenly kingdom. They will see their loved ones enthroned in God’s Kingdom and cry out, eternally, in pain and anguish.’

Thump, thump. Thump, thump.

My lungs dive further into the ever-increasing black hole in my gut. I draw a sharp breath in as the trembling starts to take over. It’s not the damnation part of eternal damnation that scares me. It’s the eternal part. Whether that be eternal joy or eternal damnation. What can it possibly mean for something to never end? What can it possibly mean to never die? To be born again - whether that rebirth is in Heaven or Hell? My brain can’t comprehend it. My arms begin to tremble like a palm tree in a Category 5 hurricane. My breathing intensifies. My mind races, but only in circles, thinking of eternity and damnation and the preacher on the ornate stage, and the clock on the wall that ticks like an eternal heartbeat that will never end. Eternal. Eternity is itself damnation.

Thump, thump. Thump, thump. This is eternal damnation; I am sure of it. Tick, tick, tick. The ticks of the clock no longer align with the seconds. My mind is engulfed in the black hole of my gut, of my soul, joining my heart, my lungs, and my eternal soul. There’s no escaping this. I’ve passed the event horizon. The pull is too strong. I’m trapped. Eternally. Damned.

Thump, thump. Thump, thump. I feel a hand reach out and touch my trembling leg. For a second, I remember I am not here alone. My best friend, my one and only true love, the one who gives meaning to my life, the mother of my children, the very reason I could ever tolerate this painful existence called life, is in the seat next to me. As she reaches over to try and calm my trembling legs, I jolt at her touch. For a second, I am brought back to reality. But reality is no better. This reality is equally eternally damning.

Thump, thump. Thump, thump.

My wife whispers to me, “It’s going to be okay.” I don’t think she means it. I don’t think she knows what’s racing through my head. I don’t think she knows about the preacher on the ornate stage, the fire and brimstone, the black hole forming inside me. If she does know, it doesn’t bother her. Why would it? For ten years, I was her best friend, her lover, her ear when she needed to vent. I was there for her, I supported her. In this moment, I am an empty body, clenching to an embroidered chair that feels as though it wants to throw my lifeless body away from it. The chair cannot be bothered to comfort my worthless existence.

The clock reads 12:00. My heart races faster knowing there is now no more waiting. There’s no more pushing this off. My judgment day is at hand. And the all-powerful, unconditionally loving God is sitting beside me, trying to comfort me. It doesn’t matter. My fate is sealed. Eternal damnation. I am no longer her best friend, her lover, her ear when she needs to vent. I am an empty body, a soul being sucked into the eternal black hole in my gut. I think back to the preacher crying out on stage when I was younger. ‘And Judas again denied the Savior. The cock crowed a third time. Judas knew that what was written in the scriptures was prophesied. He had betrayed Jesus. He had sealed his fate.’

Thump, thump. Thump, thump. I am Judas, for I have sealed my fate. I am the betrayer. I have sinned, and now, I will pay. Eternal damnation. I am not the best friend, the lover, the ear when she needs to vent. I am a man who found comfort in the arms of another woman. I am a man who broke the sacred vow of marriage that, ten years ago, I solemnly gave my wife. I am a man who dared not explain himself, who dared not disclose the secret affairs of what happened in our marital bed when she was away; the bed where two children were conceived; the bed where we cared for one another when we were ill; the bed where I tarnished the lives of those for which I once cared deeply. I am relegated to this fate because of what I have done. I cannot expect forgiveness if I cannot forgive myself. And I cannot forgive myself. Eternal damnation is the only outcome that fits what I’ve done.

Thump, thump. Thump, thump. The door to the waiting room opens. A young, smiling woman pops into the frame and invites us into the office. I peer into the office before stepping inside. I see a soft, cushioned, blue love seat on one side of the room with a tan fabric chair on the other. It’s my final chambers for my final judgment. I peer at the frames on the wall showing extravagant academic degrees and licenses that read ‘Doctor of Psychology’ and ‘Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.’

“I am going to use the bathroom quickly,” I say as I step back from the portal to my interrogation chambers into the waiting room. I care not what words leave the lips of my wife or the therapist as I step into the hallway in search of the bathroom. I think back to the preacher delivering Ezekiel 25:17. ‘And I will execute great vengeance on them with furious rebukes; and they will know that I am the Lord, when I lay My vengeance upon them.’ I need to escape the wrath of the Lord that waits for me in that room. My mind races. My heart pounds. Thump, thump. Thump, thump. My breath, still rampant from the terrifying thoughts of eternity minutes ago, intensifies even more. As I reach the bathroom, I close the door, and sit down on the floor. I sob into my arm. I reach into my waistband and grasp the handle of the 9 mm pistol I carry. The cold steel feels sharp in my hands. My mind races even more; my heartbeat increases; my breathing almost stops. As tears roll from my eyes, I bring the gun to my mouth.

The echo of a loud bang reaches the office. Two women go running toward the sound with now racing hearts. Thump, thump. Thump, thump. The eternal heartbeat of the clock on the wall continues, unaware of the horrors occurring in its presence. Tick, tick, tick. People run from different offices in the building, some searching for cover, some running to the sound. The clock remains still on the wall, aside from the cogs and gears that power the miniscule hands, moving in slow motion counting the passing of eternal time. Not able, or caring, to help in the rush of human suffering in its presence. The heartbeat of the clock continues. Tick, tick, tick. Never ending, in perpetuity. The heartbeats of those surrounding me in my last breaths continue on as well. At this moment, seemingly never ending, eternal. Not stopping at the sight of human suffering; not to be thwarted from their natural duties of providing life to these mere mortals. Heartbeats that are not eternal, but ones that will also one day reach their demise. In my last breath, I am comforted by the fact of an end; a resolution that is not eternal; a conclusion that the human mind can comprehend. For now, those heartbeats continue their rhythm of life until they one day meet their own expiry. Then, it’s unknown; the horrific terror of eternity that is beyond human comprehension. As my last breath slips away, I hear the faint, racing hearts of those around me. Thump, thump. Thump, thump. Thump, thump.