Second Chances Don’t Come Easy

Second Chances Don’t Come Easy

January

“I love you, Jesse, I do.We have so much history, but I just can’t live this way anymore.” Anna stated, the words choking her with the pain of a thousand memories.

“I know.”

“I need you to decide what you are going to do.” The tension palpable as Jesse and Anna sat on the sofa of their home for the past 15 years. So much regret hung in the air. It seemed to cloud all of the reminders of their love story.

Anna got up and walked to the kitchen, pouring herself a mug of coffee.

"I’m so sorry, Anna. I know I did it again, and I know those words are hollow for you, because I’ve said it so many times before.” Tears stained his face as Jesse hung his head in shame.

Anna felt the anger, hurt and sorrow of a thousand chances all wrapped up in her heart as she slowly slid to a sitting position against the cabinet. It was a guttural sound, what Jesse heard coming from the kitchen, like a volcano, suddenly erupting, coming from the very depths of Anna’s soul as she let out months of hurt, worry and angst. She sat and sobbed, letting it all escape. Every dream, every plan seemed to be disappearing in a puff of smoke as she tried to accept a different ending to their love story than she had ever imagined before.

Quietly, she whispered to herself, “I didn’t sign up for this.” Then louder for Jesse to hear in the other room—“I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THIS! I DID NOT SIGN UP TO BE MARRIED TO A DRUG ADDICT, JESSE!” She continued sobbing, wiping the tears from her eyes with one hand and pounding on the floor with the other. Her mug of coffee, somehow had made it’s way to the floor in a puddle of liquid and broken pottery.

Jesse slowly made his way to the kitchen, and seeing his wife in such despair, he knelt beside her and in the quietest of whispers he said, “I’m done, Anna. I promise I’m done this time.” With his own heart breaking in his chest, he continued, “I promise I’ll get help. I know you don’t believe me, but I promise. I’ll get help this time.”

Jesse tried to wrap Anna in a hug, and instinctively she melted into him. He’d always been her safe place, and she cried into his chest for what seemed like hours.

Suddenly, she broke away, pushing him back as she caught herself. “NO!” She cried. “No, Jesse, not this time. Not again. I can’t come home one more time to wonder what I’m going to find. Are you going to be wasted on the bed? Are you going to be who knows where in the city getting high? No. I can’t do this. You need to leave—NOW.”

Jesse sat in stunned silence and Anna gathered herself and got to her feet, stepping over the mess on the floor. She would deal with that later. Now, she couldn’t manage more than getting out and away from Jesse.

“I’m leaving for a while. I want you gone when I get back.” She grabbed her keys, phone and jacket and walked out into the world and away from the safety of her home and her love. He wasn’t safe anymore. He was the cause of so much turmoil right now.

A few hours later, Anna returned to find a note on the counter.

“Dear Anna” it read, “I know I’ve really messed up this time. I’m so sorry for all of the pain I’ve caused you. I can’t say that enough. I can never make up for the time we’ve lost because of my actions. I want you to know that after you left, I contacted a rehab center and I am going today. I don’t expect you to believe me, but I want us. I choose us. I love you, Jesse.”

Anna didn’t realize that the tears began to flow again. Oh how she loved this man, and it was tearing her apart to be away from him. But, she was firm in her commitment to stand her ground with his choices. Part of her wanted to believe him, but the hurt was too raw.

****

April

It was a long, long three months for both Jesse and Anna. Today was family therapy at the rehab center and Anna had planned to attend for the first time since Jesse entered treatment. She held a mix of excitement and trepidation for the first encounter. She pondered the last 15 years of their marriage with its ups and downs. Mostly ups, she recalled, until the last 3 years since the car accident that changed everything. She thought about how Jesse had gone from being such a robust, happy person to someone who was seeking illegal drugs on the city streets to, what he justified, was to manage his pain. The situation continued to devolve over the past two years to where Jesse was taking so many risks to his health. They had argued so many times about treatment, and despite his protestations of wanting to change, to kick the addiction that started in the hospital, he never did make efforts to change.

Now, the months in rehab had made a change, she hoped. He seemed so much like his prior self-before the drugs took their effect-when she spoke to him on the phone from time to time. She was keeping her distance from him, just in case she needed to make the decision to leave the marriage, maybe, just maybe, it wouldn’t hurt quite so much. But, thinking about this at this moment, as she sat in the car outside the rehab entrance, she knew it was never going to hurt less, if she wasn’t with him. Anna took a deep breath, blowing it out slowly in an effort to calm her nerves and racing heart. She turned up the volume on the radio as the song, “It’s Quiet Uptown” from the musical, “Hamilton” began to play. They’d gone to New York City 4 years ago and seen the play on Broadway, and it quickly became one of their favorites. Anna could recite the lyrics by heart.

“How appropriate”, she mumbled to herself, with a big sigh. She noted the scene that played out where a grievous situation occurred between Eliza and Alexander, and in the end, Eliza was able to forgive.

Abruptly turning off the radio, Anna felt the anger arise in her again. “Well, I’m not her.” She grabbed her purse and jacket and exited the car, striding towards the entrance like a woman on a mission.

When Anna entered the family room, she saw Jesse sitting there, quiet, reserved. He looked a bit afraid at what was going to happen that day. He lifted his head to see her in the doorway. Jesse didn’t speak. The moment their eyes met, his eyes welled up and he began to feel the tears staining his cheeks. It has been such a long few months being away from home-away from her. Anna’s face was set-he couldn’t read her emotion. She planned it that way. She didn’t want to give anything away. Jesse rose and walked over to where Anna seemed frozen in her spot.

“Anna”, he spoke softly, with his head tilted down, he looked to Anna like a lost puppy. “I’m so glad to see you. I’m so glad you came.” Anna did not speak. As the therapist entered the room, he invited them both to sit down, and Jesse led the way to two soft chairs sitting angled in front of the therapist’s seat.

“Anna, welcome.” Said the therapist. “I want to let you know that I’ve been working with Jesse for the past three months and I am impressed with his determination to change. I know those are hollow words for you, as you have heard him profess his commitment many times before. “

“Yes, I have” she uttered. Anna began to tear up, and grabbing a tissue from the box on the table next to her chair, she quietly stated, “I don’t know if I can do this.”

“I can certainly understand how frightening this is for you.” The therapist responded. “You want to see a miracle today in order to feel safe with Jesse.”

“That would be nice.” Anna responded. Jesse sat quiet throughout this exchange.

“What I want to make clear is when battling addiction, there are no miracles—no magic bullet to take the addiction away. The therapist continued, “But, what I can tell you is that Jesse is willing to work very hard to earn your trust back. He has told me that he will do anything to rebuild trust with you.”

Anna stared directly at Jesse. She saw, what was it, a glimpse, no, more than a glimpse-she saw the Jesse she fell in love with. Anna quickly turned away and focused back on the therapist. She could not allow herself to get sucked back in.

“But, why am I telling you all of this?” The therapist chucked. “Jesse, take it away!”

Jesse took a deep breath, and looking at Anna, he noted skepticism in her eyes. “I don’t expect you to believe me, Anna. I can only tell you I’ve worked hard on myself while I’ve been here and I’ve had a lot of support. I NEED a lot of support. I am not naïve to think that once I return home-if you let me come home-that it will all be over and behind us. I’ve learned that I can’t make those kind of promises.” The therapist sat back and Anna noted a slight nod.

Jesse continued, “All I can promise is a commitment to strive every day to be the man you fell in love with, to work my program, to use my tools. Hopefully, it time, as each day goes by, you can build your trust in me and we can move forward.”

Silence filled the room. “I need some time.” Anna said. The therapist nodded again. Anna noted a look of disappointment on Jesse’s face, but she had to stand her ground. She had worked on herself over the past three months as well. She had learned to set boundaries, to speak up and relate what her needs were.

As the trio sat together in the stark family room, Anna looked at her husband. She looked deep into those eyes she knew so well. She felt the wrestle in her soul between “I’m done” and “come home”.

“I’m working on forgiveness, Jesse, but I’m not there yet. I’m still so hurt at what you’ve done to yourself and our family. All of the lies, the deceit…” she let it trail off. “I’m just not there yet.”

Jesse’s head hung down. “I know. I’m so sorry.” Jesse raised his head, “All I ask for is hope. Please allow me to prove myself to you. I’ve got a plan. I’ve got supports now. And I’m committed to it all. I promise.”

“Anna, what are you thinking right now?” The therapist invited.

Anna sat and pondered for a long time without speaking. The wrestle continued in her mind and heart. She couldn't speak. She heard in the background, somewhere down the hall, that same song from Hamilton playing, the voice was Eliza’s saying, “It’s quiet uptown” as she takes Alexander’s hand, and the chorus swells with “Forgiveness. Forgiveness.”

Anna looked up at her husband. The man she has loved with all of her heart for 15 years. She sees the imploring in his expression. She felt a surge of…what? Peace? No, not exactly. It was hope. Yes that was it—she felt a wash of hope come over her like a waterfall. “Ok,” she says, very quietly, like a whisper.

“Ok?” Jesse responses. “Ok, what? What are you saying?”

“Ok.” She said again, this time with more conviction. “Ok, Jesse. Let’s go home.” She paused. “Come home.” Her eyes searching his for the same hope she was offering. “I’m in.” she assured him. “I love you. You are my person and I want to be there with you. I can support you if you stay committed to your program. Go to your meetings, your therapy and show your efforts for the long haul. I will be with you. Trust will come in time.”

Jesse fell to his knees in that instance and great sobs heaved from his chest as he clung to her. She felt a release of so many emotions at that moment, and they sat there in that sweet moment of hope and anticipation of the future, crying together. Both knew that it wouldn’t be an easy road. It would be full of hurdles and lapses on both of their parts. But, they would work the plan, and Anna would be there to support Jesse in his continued journey, and they had hope that they would work it out together.

This was a new beginning-for both of them.