Good Advice

If Jiya didn’t stop wringing her hands, she was going to be mistaken for an octogenarian from the wrists down before she was 35.

Naomi bit her lip, trying to refrain from saying anything. Jiya clearly did not need any added stress today. She had arrived uncharacteristically before Naomi and chosen the table in the back corner of the coffee shop instead of their usual seat by the window. Her eyes kept darting to the door every time it jingled open and her knee was vibrating. She had a reason for setting up this coffee date, and it wasn’t social. Naomi and Jiya had been friends since college, and Naomi had been one of Jiya’s first clients when she made partner at her firm. It didn’t take a decade-long friend to notice that something was up.

“Jiya, how many times do I have to tell you? No one respects a woman who speaks in ellipses. Powerful women make statements.” Naomi softened. “And you know you can tell me anything.” She narrowed her eyes. “Unless you’re firing me.”

Jiya took a deep breath, squeezing her eyes shut. She peeked through one eye and said in a rush, “I think you’re a cult leader.”

Naomi tilted her head. That was not what she had expected. Could this be some sort of joke? Jiya wasn’t particularly funny. But maybe she was trying something new. Naomi chuckled lightly, deciding to humor her. “I’m pretty sure I would know if I was a cult leader.”

Jiya bit her lip and let out a long breath. “I was reading an article about this woman who escaped a crazy cult.” Naomi raised an eyebrow. “Okay, it was a documentary series.” She jabbed a finger at Naomi. “Still a valid source of information. Anyway, they took all her money and tried to make her marry some 70-year-old guy… and as I was watching it, I kept thinking, this kind of sounds like ClearSpace Collective.”

Naomi threw her hands up. You make one matchmaking mishap and they never let you hear the end of it. “I thought those clients would hit it off! I had no idea he was 30 years older than her.”

Jiya cringed. “That’s not exactly what I was talking about. Though that wasn’t your best moment. I just mean, when you started ClearSpace it was just about home organization. But since then, it’s… snowballed.”

“Yes, well, people love to hear what I have to say. Because I give great advice. But that doesn’t mean I’m a cult leader. Geez. I’m just good at my job.”

“Look, maybe I’m wrong.” Jiya held up both hands. “But I think you should watch the show. I’ll send it to you. Maybe you’ll see what I’m talking about.”

Naomi highly doubted that. But she would do anything for Jiya, even if it meant humoring her while she plummeted into this rabbit hole.

The rest of her day was full of client sessions and meetings with sponsors, so she didn’t get around to watching the first episode until that night over dinner. The second she finished it, she called Jiya.

“I think I’m a cult leader,” she whispered.

“Yeah, babe.”

Naomi smacked her forehead. “Should I have known? This feels like something I should’ve known.”

“Well, cults are a tricky thing,” Jiya said soothingly. “They’re often designed so you don’t realize you’re in one until it’s too late.”

“That’s if you’re joining one!” Naomi yelled into the phone. “Not if you’re forming one!”

“Well I imagine the principle can be the same either way.”

“What am I going to do? I can’t go around running a cult, is that even legal?”

“Mmm, leading a cult isn’t illegal by itself, it just depends what you do with your cult.”

“Maybe we should look into those specifics.”

“Already on it.”

“And even if I’m not breaking any laws, I’m still morally opposed to being a cult leader.”

“Glad to hear it.”

“But I mean, you already knew that, right?”

“Well, you know, it’s nice to hear it confirmed.”

Naomi sighed. “So what do I do?”

“Well, we are going to de-cultify your cult.”

Red Flag #1: Sphere of Influence

Naomi had begun her business as a side hustle almost a decade earlier, making home organization videos. She would clean out her friends’ pantries and put everything in cute, labeled containers. Images of the results circulated and people loved what they saw. She started getting more requests, first from friends, then friends of friends, and then from complete strangers, to tackle projects in their homes. And thus, ClearSpace Collective was born.

At first it really was just about organizing homes, but people regularly sought out Naomi’s input in other aspects of their lives. This had been the case as long as Naomi could remember, and it bled into her professional life without her noticing at first. When she cleaned out someone’s closet, she would help them choose the clothes that best fit their body type and color palette. If she organized a home office, clients wanted her thoughts on finances, investments, and 401ks. Her followers lapped up her advice. One lady left her boyfriend after Naomi made her opinion of him clear during a closet organization. No one should put up with such a disgusting slob.

It felt strange at first, realizing how much weight her words carried with her clients. But the more she thought about it, the more sense it made. She gave good advice. She always had. Jiya herself had been saved from getting bangs on numerous occasions thanks to Naomi’s quick thinking. Naomi had also encouraged her sister to apply for art school and talked her mom into going on that second date with the man who was now her stepfather. She didn’t just work in fluff; what she did mattered.

Which was why she needed to do whatever it took to protect her company. The first step in de-cultifying Naomi’s business was pulling back its sphere of influence. Or as Jiya said, “Stop controlling every aspect of your followers’ lives.” The problem was some of them wanted Naomi to make all their decisions for them. They even paid extra for it. Okay, Naomi could hear how problematic that sounded.

Jiya sat in Naomi’s office, scrolling through the spreadsheet in front of them, the two elbow to elbow behind the desk. “These are all of your paying clients?”

“Organized by the projects we work on, advice given, and decisions made, yes.” Naomi already had a habit of meticulously recording and categorizing each of the interactions she had with her clients. It was no wonder they looked to her for life advice. She was so put together.

Pointing a finger at the screen, Jiya turned to stare at Naomi. “Did you tell this woman that it was time for her to have another baby?”

Naomi shrugged. “Well she needed to if she wanted to have three by the time she was 40.”

“But you told her to go with a donor. Even though she was married.”

“Her husband went bald at 16. They have two girls but what if the next one was a boy? I couldn’t do that to an innocent baby.”

Jiya rolled her eyes. “Okay, this is exactly the kind of decision a stranger on the internet should not be making for someone. Very culty vibes.” She sighed and turned back to the computer. “I’m flagging the conversations I’m going to need a copy of. For the inevitable depositions.” She continued to read, shaking her head and making notes every so often.

“Alright, here’s where we are going to start,” Jiya said, before she had even reached the bottom of the spreadsheet. “First. No more input on your clients’ family planning. No matchmaking, relationship advice, telling them when or how they should have children, any of that.”

That was disappointing, those consultations were the most fun.

“Second. No financial advice. You do not have the qualifications; the stakes are too high from both a financial and a legal standpoint.”

“Does that include removing myself from my clients’ bank accounts?”

“You’re – you have access to your client’s’ bank accounts?”

“Not all of them, just these ones here.” Naomi pointed to the screen.

Jiya covered her face. “Oh, Naomi, you’re so screwed.”

Red Flag #2: Difficult to escape

Pulling back from those accounts was a painful process. Many of Naomi’s clients had come to rely on her, and hearing their sobs made Naomi wonder if she was making the right decision. But when she imagined adding the words “Cult Leader” to her business cards, she buried her doubts and powered through.

Once those accounts were taken care of, they moved on to the next problem. “Alright,” Jiya said, perched at her own desk this time. “Admittedly this one is a bit my fault too. We’ve made it way too difficult for people to cancel their accounts with you.”

The hardest part of Naomi’s job had always been obtaining adequate compensation for her work. People wanted her advice, but they didn’t want to have to pay for it. Everyone had their own method for getting out of paying, ranging from repeatedly signing up for free trials with different email addresses to straight up lying to their banks, claiming credit card fraud when they decided they were done with their paid memberships. People were so cheap. And Naomi was tired of being taken advantage of.

So she went to her lawyers, who sent her a new membership contract designed to hold people more accountable. It took a few drafts; for lawyers they really did not know how to be cutthroat. The resulting contract meant once people signed up, they were essentially members for life. She was getting money out of those freeloaders whether they liked it or not. Naomi was quite proud of it. Jiya saw it as a potential problem down the road.

“People don’t like being stuck with a monthly payment they can’t get out of. And you guilt them way too much when they try to cancel.

“They should feel guilty. And afraid. They’re making a terrible mistake.”

“You want your clients to feel afraid when they leave you?”

“Yes, they should feel like they need me. Like they don’t know what they would do without me. Like the world is a scary chasm of unanswerable questions and complicated decisions that only I can help them with. That’s just good business.”

Jiya narrowed her eyes but didn’t say anything.

Naomi sighed. “Alright, give me that contract.”

Red Flag #3: Charismatic leader

“No way am I changing this one,” Naomi said when Jiya brought up the next red flag for them to tackle. They were back at the coffee shop this time, in their regular window seat. “You’re asking me to be less charismatic? You’re really sitting here telling me that I’m too much?

Jiya had the decency to look ashamed. “Maybe it’s less about your charisma and more about how you present it.”

Naomi raised her eyebrows.

“I’ve been watching your videos… trying to put a finger on what it is exactly…”

Naomi let out an exasperated sigh. “Jiya, no one respects a woman who speaks in ellipses. You’re a powerful woman. Powerful women make statements.”

“There, that’s a great example. You have these catch phrases. You use them all the time and they sound fancy, but you’re just telling people what to do. And you combine them with compliments and these sweeping statements, like “My organizing systems will change your life.”

“Well, they will.”

“It’s like everything you say is to convince people to do what you want them to do. I just think your charisma has expanded into control. Maybe reign it back in?”

The two spent the next hour making a list of ways that Naomi could use her charisma in a less controlling, more benevolent way (Jiya’s words, not Naomi’s). As the list grew longer, the knot in Naomi’s stomach grew heavier. At first she thought it had something to do with the three pieces of pie they had ordered, but that was a typical afternoon for them. She couldn’t ignore the dread she felt when she looked between their anti-charisma list and the other, very substantial list of red flags that they were supposed to continue working through. She appreciated a good list as much as the next person, but right now it felt like the lists were turning against her. She loved her business so much. Would it even be recognizable when this was over? Would she?

Naomi burst out, interrupting Jiya mid-sentence. “What if I don’t want to reign it back in?” Without waiting for a response, she continued. “All this work we’ve been doing has felt disingenuous to me and my brand. I was happy the way it was, and so were my clients.”

Now it was Jiya’s turn to raise her eyebrows.

“I mean it. I’m a wise, magnetic woman who should not have to hide my gifts. I really believe in what I do. And what we’re doing, it’s making me change my essence, who I am. Look, I was freaked out when you had me watch that documentary, but what if… what if I’m okay with all of this?”

Oh God, she was speaking in ellipses. This whole process had thrown her off; she didn’t feel like herself anymore. She needed to take her own advice and not be so worried about what other people thought. So the word “cult” came with a stigma. Was what she did actually that bad? She made people’s lives better. Naomi pushed the papers away. She had made her decision.

“I’m done. Thank you for your help, you’re a wonderful friend. And I get what you’re trying to do. But this is not for me. I need to embrace who I am, and I… am a cult leader.”

She didn’t wait for a response, just stood and turned toward the door. Never underestimate the power of a dramatic exit.

Jiya, of course, had to ruin the moment by calling after her. “Alright, but as your lawyer I’m firing you.”

Naomi turned back, hiding her smile. “That’s probably a good move. Now, I have clients to call and talk back off the ledge.” A couple at the table next to her looked up in alarm. Naomi grinned down at them “Oh I’m not joking.” She winked at Jiya. “I’m very good at what I do.” As she walked out the door, she shook her head and said, only loud enough for her to hear, “I should’ve known.”