Walking the Plank

“You know this place?” the nurse asks me softly, leaning into my face.

I nod and suddenly feel heavy. I’ve seen the red roof and recognize the flower garden that interrupts the pathway to the front door. It’s a home in the photo but I know it isn’t my home. The street light in the background resembles the moon that appears in the dream…

“It’s from a dream. I had a dream! The same dream, multiple times and I recognize the roof. I’m not sure why I keep seeing it or what it means but it isn’t my home. Unless I was kidnapped and brainwashed at some point in my life”, I shift uncomfortably in the narrow hospital bed.

There’s a scent in the air of freshly washed linen and it’s fighting the sickening smell of disinfectants and surgical spirit. I fight the temptation to pretend I’m having a seizure so I can skip this inquiry. They’re obviously trying to diagnose me based on some funny hypothesis and I want to go home now.

“I just fainted. I don’t understand why this is all necessary. Do you ask all your patients about that photo?” I point at the photo in her hand, with clear annoyance.

She shoves the photo back in her pocket and suddenly rushes out of the room, grabbing her phone to make a call. I notice the service desk is occupied and I hit the button for attention. Whoever comes now needs to get me out of here, I was on my way to an event and I’m so late already.

A tall, lean man who’s clearly distracted by whatever he’s looking at on his phone, walks aimlessly into my room. I suppress the urge to call out the terrible customer service and charge him to let me go instead.

“I feel fine now. May I leave? It seems you all have more important things to do anyway. My boss is going to kill me if I don’t make it to the party I’m already late for”, I keep my eyes on him as I struggle to step off the bed.

He moves to the service desk and checks something and runs back into the room.

“Sorry, I’ve been given instructions not to let you go until Dr. Mnisi sees you. It’s on your form. Says there you’ve had a number of these episodes in the past six months so they may need to schedule an MRI”, he says.

For a moment, I’m lost in the echo of his voice. He reminds me of something…someone I can’t quite recall. Well spoken, male voice. That photo comes to mind again and I’m annoyed that I care about not knowing more about it. I just want to go to a boring party and impress my boss, then go home and write a bunch of itineraries for the rest of my week. Most of the items on them are never done, but I enjoy writing them; something about it makes me feel important and purposeful.

I didn’t notice when the man slipped out of the room but now I don’t care about fighting him or forcing my exit. I grab my green sling bag and fish my phone out from under the rubble that is my belongings. It’s just after six in the evening, which means I’ve missed about an hour of the party. There are no missed calls nor texts from my boss yet. That’s odd.

I dial her number and anticipate a scream from the other end when she picks up.

“Oh thank God!” Lisa exclaims.

I thought you’d never call. I’m on my way to you’. The doctor called me and told me what happened. How are you feeling now?” she asks.

“Why would they call you and not tell me that? What is going on here? Is this a joke, Lisa? I was calling to tell you I can’t make the party because they want to do an MRI, apparently something’s wrong.”

It’s clear now that something’s going on and I’m tired of feeling confused so I make a quick decision to ask my boss to be straight with me, when she arrives. I hear her speak but I’m not listening. I take a deep breath and speak into the phone that I’ll see her when she gets here, then end the call.

Is this how amnesia feels? What is this? The questions pile on in my head and I throw my head onto the pillow behind me, triggering a headache from the depth of my skull. I flinch when the tall guy walks back in. I no longer think he’s an employee here. He could just be covering for his aunt who still hasn’t returned since she sprinted out of the room without answering me. He’s shortly followed by a more serious-looking man with glasses on. This must be the Dr. Mnisi who’s holding me hostage.

“Ms. Dlamini. I’m Dr. Mnisi, sorry to keep you waiting. You’re experiencing the tenth fainting episode in the past six months and…”

He pauses and appears concerned about something. My boss bolts into the room and rests her hands on her knees as she catches her breath.

“Hey doc! Sorry…I’m late. Traffic.”

Again. I’m noticing that these people know more than me so I remain quiet. The doctor starts to speak again and my fists are rolled beneath the white hospital sheet that’s covering my lower body.

“You aren’t going for an MRI”, he looks at me.

If he’s looking for gladness, I show him none.

“We just put that on the forms for audit. You need to come with us. Now.”

The doctor marches out of the room and my boss can no longer look in my direction.

“Lisa. What the hell?!”

My hands are shaking, still rolled in fists.

“Listen my dear, let’s just go with him and we’ll explain everything. Or at least what we can explain for now. Come on, I’ll help you”, she offers and walks toward me.

I want to refuse and tell her to go back to her party but my body isn’t cooperating and I nearly fall when I try to stand. I click my tongue and lean reluctantly on Lisa. The tall, lean man doesn’t know what to do with himself and he avoids eye contact with me. I’m enjoying the awkwardness but we have to go so I set him free.

“Please lead the way, sir”, I crack a smile at him and he walks ahead of us slowly.

Lisa is holding my waist and helping me balance as we walk, steadily. Waves of anger and gratitude simultaneously rush through me but I stay quiet. We make it to the doctor’s office and I almost push Lisa off me as I take a seat in his grey couch. The nurse is leaning against the wall at the door and Dr. Mnisi is carrying a remote. He looks at me sympathetically and I stare at Lisa inquisitively.

He presses a button and the screen in the corner of the room turns on. An old man’s face appears with a big play icon in the middle of the screen. Dr. Mnisi motions as if he wants to speak but decides against it and presses play. My eyes move toward the screen and stay there. The man in the screen smiles at the camera- at me- and begins to speak.

“Hey baby…” he starts to cry and so do I.

I recognize the voice instantly and look at the tall, lean man who now is standing beside me, apologetically. His voice reminded me of this man. This is who my mind was remembering earlier, when the young man spoke.

“…well this is not how I wanted us to speak again. I imagine it’s been a decade or two since I saw you last. Dr. Mnisi assumed this would happen much earlier but I told him you’re my daughter, you’ll fight this and delay it long before you even know what it is.”

I chuckle at that and he does too. For a moment, it’s as if we’re in a room somewhere and it’s just me and…

“Dad!” I stare at the doctor. He pauses the video and bows his head.

Dr. Mnisi nods slowly. Everyone else in the room looks like they’ll run out of the office at the first opportunity.

“Please, Ms. Dlamini. He asked me to let you watch it all first before I explain anything. Please…” the professional pleads with me. I yield and he presses play once more.

“You’re a strong girl, just like your mother. Fierce. She was afraid of a few animals and nothing else. And boy did she love you.” He points at the camera. At me.

“It’s time to go back to a place I know you don’t want to go, sweet girl. You have a family with you there that you don’t know yet, but they’ve loved you from a distance all these years. I’m sure you want to punch each of them…just target parts of their bodies that they can hide”, my father laughs again.

I wonder where he was when he made this video for me. I want to cry but I also want to obey what he requested and see this to the end. I still don’t know what’s going on but the sound of his voice is soothing a part of me I don’t recognize. And then suddenly, I see the red roof and the street light behind the house shining brighter than the stars above it. The flower garden has various roses in full bloom and the grass around it is mowed and tennis court green. Summer. I loved summer because the garden needed tending and my father and I would do that together. Mom was not a fan of manual labor but those moments with him were priceless.

“Before everything changed, I talked to you when you were ten and asked you if you were sure you didn’t want to remember anything. You said yes with tears in your eyes and I knew it was foolish of me to even ask a child such a complex question. It was painful and it would’ve ruined your life baby, that’s why I had to document this. You deserve to remember who you really are and what made you so strong now. I may not be around to tell you these things in person but I trust the people in that room with you to do a better job. Are you ready, baby girl?”

Pause.

The doctor is more relaxed now, as am I. I look around the room, trying to memorize each face now as family and not a bunch of crazy people who know more than I do. I’m safe here, and the looks on their faces assure me of the same. I look back at the doctor and nod vigorously, as my salty tears disappear into my mouth. “I’m ready.”