A Narcissists POV

Empty. Numb. Hopeless. Watching the person you have given your whole heart to walk away from you, and there is nothing you can do or say to get them to turn around. I gave them everything I had, and in the end, my love didn’t want to stay to make us work. Once again, I am left standing alone in the middle of the street in the pouring rain, watching my heart's taillights fade into the night. My feet planted into the asphalt, replaying the last thing my lovebug said to me, “You don’t love me, you never did. You never cared about me, only how to control me.” Baffled, I did so much for them in the four years we’ve been together. I was always there for them; if anyone didn’t love someone, my sweetie pie never loved me. Controlling? How was I controlling? If anything, they were controlling! Voicing all the things I did that they didn’t like. It didn’t matter what I did; it was never enough. It wasn’t always this way. I am not sure what changed, but towards the end, they started arguing with me more and more. Over the dumbest shit, that didn’t make sense, and telling me I wasn’t respecting their boundaries. What about my boundaries?

Realizing I was still standing in the middle of the street, drenched, I decided to walk my pathetic, heartbroken ass into the house. Wiping my shoes off onto the mat inside the entrance, I pat my pockets down, looking for my phone. She is insane; I am sure once things cool down, Sugar Bear will realize how good I was to them and call me back. I just need to give them space. Pulling the phone out of my pocket, it is a little wet but still functioning. I head upstairs, peel off my rain-soaked clothes, throw them in my hamper, and hop in the shower to warm up and wash the negative thoughts down the drain.

Not having the energy to make myself food, I grab a cereal bar from the pantry and pour myself a glass of water. I munch away, leaning against the counter, not a thought crossing my mind, just replaying tonight's events. I didn’t get a word in; they just berated me on all the ways I messed up, how I am selfish, that I don’t know “the meaning of love,” and so many other hurtful things I can’t wrap my brain around. Where did all this come from? How could they walk away from me? I gave them everything, and this is what I got in return. Calling me every name under the sun, none of them endearing.

We had met on one of those dating sites and talked for a few weeks. It took them a while to agree to meet in person, but I convinced Boo Bear to let me take them out for a drink. The conversation flowed so easily; they seemed perfect in my eyes, and definitely, someone I saw myself having a future with. The first six months to a year were a dream come true, adventure after adventure. I thought to myself, ‘This is it.’

The second year was when I first noticed a change; my baby wanted to go out with their friends more. Don’t get me wrong, I trusted them with all my heart, but what reason would you have to go out two nights a week with your friends? At one point, it seemed like they didn’t want to spend any time with me, and every time I would say something, I could tell the reluctance to stay, but they would concede. I would always ask, “Is it so terrible to spend time with me?” The whole point of dating and building a relationship is to have a future together. Friends come and go, but love is forever.

Year three was our golden year. She always stayed home with me, or if I wanted to meet up with friends, she would come along. My friends are amazing, and I am glad she finally gave them a chance to see that. There would be some tension with her work friends; I could tell they didn’t like me when we would go to some of the office events. I really didn’t want to be there. I would rather spend time with people who like me, and I never could contribute to conversations with my Shnookie’s coworkers. I didn’t understand the point of going; we would always leave work events early because of an argument, and I didn’t “try” hard enough to be involved in my future wifey’s life. She’s my life. But of course, I am always wrong in these scenarios. I don’t know how that’s possible, even a broken clock is right twice a day.

Baby Doll’s family didn’t like me either. When I ask why, we end up in another argument. Apparently, I am trying to isolate us from them and don’t allow my Love Muffin to spend time with them, which isn’t true at all! We can see them on holidays, so why do we have to get together twice a month? I would much rather spend time with my family; they are more exciting and fun. I wish they could see that. After a while, friends and family didn’t come up in conversation as much anymore, which I was happy about. We were spending so much time together, but the more time we spent together, the more I felt like Baby Girl was pulling away from me. I would ask what was wrong, and they would say, “Nothing, I am just tired.” I wish they would act more appreciative of all that I have done, sharing my friends and family with them, who have accepted them with open arms. We did end up getting a house together, which made me so excited. We were moving in the direction I wanted. We decorated the house together, and I approved everything for the furnishings

The last year of our relationship was the most tumultuous one. She was becoming more defiant and acting out. I just wanted to spend time with her, but she didn’t want any part of that. The fact that she lived with me and bought a whole house together didn’t bring us closer. She would hide out in the office space at home most of the time and lock herself in. She would always argue with me about needing more space; nothing I did made her happy anymore. One night, I looked over the phone bill and saw a number that they were in constant contact with that I didn’t recognize. When confronted, she told me some bullshit about how it was a new coworker and that they were assigned to work on a project together. She yelled at me to “stop snooping.” Then she had the nerve to shut the office door in my face and lock it. I responded by punching a hole in the wall next to the door and stormed out of the house to my favorite bar downtown.

She was driving me to be aggressive and driving me to drink. If anyone is toxic in this relationship, it’s her! That bitch. She doesn’t respect me. She doesn’t appreciate me. She doesn’t seem to care about me. That whore is texting new numbers, not thinking she would ever get caught. Unbelievable! I take my phone out to text her, just that, let her know how I feel about her. Let her know she owes me so much and that she would not be anywhere without me. She needs to learn to appreciate, and maybe I am the one who needs to teach her that lesson. With each text that goes without a response, it drives me to be more honest with her about how selfish she is, never supporting me, never caring about me, and she doesn’t appreciate a damn thing I do. I won't stand for this disrespect.

Having had enough of the bar scene and wanting to lay my head down on my pillow, I close out my tab and head back home. I hadn’t heard any response from the wench. Hopefully, she has calmed down and seen things my way. She owes me a damn apology. Driving home, water starts to splash on my windshield. I didn’t know it was supposed to rain tonight. I pull into the driveway, and everything looks the same, but something feels different. I turn off my car and step out to see what I am missing. Her trunk is open, and piled inside are an array of duffel bags and a few suitcases. What does she think she’s doing?

I turn to the sound of the front door opening. There she stands in the doorway, holding a box filled with stuff.

“Baby, my love, what’s going on?”

She takes a deep breath and, on an exhale, informs me, “It’s over.”

What a fucking bitch.

After rounds and rounds of pleading, begging, and praying on my knees not to leave me, she didn’t waver in her decision. Who was this cold-hearted woman? This isn’t my Love Muffin I’ve been living with, where did it all go so wrong that she wants to leave? So here I am, feeling numb, empty, and hopeless, standing in the pouring rain, watching the woman who I thought loved me drive away. If she could leave that easily, not bothering to hear me out, she could never have loved or cared about me the whole time we were together. Once again, I am left looking like an idiot. What did I do to deserve this?