Stolen Innocence

Sarah’s hands trembled as she reached out to grab that worn notebook by her bed. It started only a few years ago, that odd tradition, where on her birthday her mom would hand over her old diaries from when she was that age, alongside a brand new journal for Sarah to start. There was also a coupon book, which were coupons for her mom to set aside time devoted to her, most likely to process together what the journal contained. This year the coupon book was thicker than normal, but there was only one journal versus the two, Sarah had come to expect of her verbose mom, and there was a strange reluctance about the handoff. Naturally once in possession of this birthday treasure, Sara sprinted to her room and cracked open the journal, skimming for the first juicy bit that may warrant use of a coupon.

September 12, 2016

Dear Diary, I almost hesitate to write this, I am still in a state of emotional stew. Some of the ingredients bubbling around my inside are: shocked, embarrassed, ashamed, disappointed, and angry. My emotion stew definitely isn’t a pleasant one today. On some days I have all the feels, but it is predominantly pleasant, today it most assuredly is pungent. This is so sad to say on a day I should be writing with joy, a huge, momentous, milestone of a day. Today for me, is a day that every girl dreams of. I did dream of it too but not like this, well not exactly like this. It started out so well, a whole day to spend with Paxton, so why did he have to go and spoil the day?

At that Sara snapped the journal shut, processing what she read so far. Who on earth is Paxton, she knows her dad’s name is Mike. Though her mom was pretty tight lipped about love, she opened up a lot when Sarah began expressing an interest in her classmate, Isaac. She thought she got her parents' full love story but was always under the impression it had been them and only them from the start. This definitely gave her more to discuss on a coupon date, up til now her only thoughts were to critique her moms vague flowery prose.

I best start at the beginning, after much begging, I was allowed out on a full day trip, with my boyfriend Paxton, and his family. It was supposed to be a fun, long and innocent hike through a state park. It climaxed at a hidden lake that only permitted three families to camp there per night. I only have a little time, his family is doing their family night routine. I am tired. All my joints and bones ache. I feel dizzy. These were all my excuses to be in this tent, alone, left to overthink. I can't sleep, my traitorous eyes will keep the replay of that moment in front of me. Would calling and confessing soothe me? Though I highly doubt there is cell service here. Maybe I should just try to settle down and pour out the story here? Or I can attempt to distract myself? I can’t leave this tent, the thought of running into him alone again… it's terrifying. Also I feel rude, if I ran into his sisters I may just argue with them. Then there is his dad, who knows what I feel towards him. To see his mom, well would she share my view or his?

The journal crashes shut as Sarah lets out a long sigh. She really would confront her mom about her bouncy writing style. It’s like being in the head of someone with ADHD. She knew her mom as such a clear, concise, and straight to the point speaker. Where on earth did all this vagueness and flowery prose come from? I just want to know what you did. It really can't have been all that bad, could it? This journal is at least shedding some light on why her mom is so cautious when it comes to her and Isaac. So she slowly opened the worn journal back up and based on previous times, was not surprised when she found that it was time for a new entry. September 13, 2016 Well I have slept on it, this situation seems almost more dire, but also not as bad as I thought. It must be the new morning light. Where did I leave off? Well, the lines on his family seem a bit terse. The thing is we usually spent all our time together, but he was protective over his family. Now in this light maybe a bit shamed over them. I don’t get it, he has a loving mom, a somewhat distant but lovely dad and two adorable younger sisters. All of them are so healthy and fit. Then there was our hike, it was great, so pretty, picturesque, and peaceful. Let’s be honest here it was also hard. I tried to workout more in preparation, but spent more time researching the hike and how to prepare than actually putting in the work. Aside from the physical exertion was the emotional exertion. I was over the moon with joy with all the uninterrupted time with my guy. As I mentioned his family is fit, he was the only one to hang back while I guzzled water, took pictures, or simply stood a moment under a tree without my pack. I was aware of the pressure of not letting anything happen between us. True there was no one around, but I would know if anything went down, and it would bubble up soon as I met my mom and was asked, so how was the trip? After all, at the tender age of 12, we had gone on a puberty date and together set up boundaries. Some still felt realistic,others I was too innocent and naive and confident. A brief list of our agreement was: holding hands is great, so were hugs, (though I am a chronic side hugger so that always looked above board), we were still debating the level of ok for cuddles and kisses or I guess more accurately pecks. My hard and fast rule was no kisses until marriage though now, blinded in love, I am pushing toward kisses on engagement.

The pieces began to click for Sarah. It really wasn’t that bad. It is probable her mom just wound up kissing her boyfriend on their first trip together. Though based on the way her mom is talking… their talk really could wind up very interesting. She was getting excited to talk to her mom. But for now she should continue reading.

There had been open dialogue about kissing. I walked away under the impression we were on the same page. He at least respected my rule. However we are coming up on a year and a half of being together, and he has been dropping hints about kissing. There are other ways, snuggle sessions where we seem to be approaching a line. We loved each other, I assumed we were on the same page. That there was no way he would take advantage, that’s not love, it’s lust. To kiss, would be betrayal. First I’m betraying the younger me who promised to save her lips for her husband. Secondly, he is betraying me. Lastly, instead of spurring each other towards good, we have betrayed each other by leading each other to sin, temptation, lust.

Sara slammed the journal harder this time. The story is really getting to her. She could feel the way it unfolds, and it’s making her examine her relationship with Isaac. In that relationship, Isaac has the prudish view that she slowly realizes her mom held, while she may be rushing through levels of intimacy, the way Paxton did. Is the plot twist that Paxton is her dad? Is Mike the rebound husband? Slowly she reopens the journal, she can’t begin to assume she first has to know the story.

Well, now I can’t say I saved my first kiss for marriage nor engagement. In a full spirit of confession, you heard it here first: I have now experienced my first kiss. Yes, Paxton and I have taken our first steps into the darkness together. Either he's not the best kisser or it's overhyped because to sum it up in one phrase I must say it was alright.

Sarah felt she could break the record for book slamming. Her mom’s first kiss is just described as alright? Also to have to read it out of an old journal is a tragedy. Granted she never really asked her mom about her love life, or younger life. She’d hear vague story-like things, good to know her mom was born vague, and her mom was a bit reticent to talk of the past. She’d always say I’ll let you know later, or there really isn’t much to say about that. Sarah retrieved the book from halfway across the room. She knew her mom had to have written more, she wouldn’t resist the chance to accesorize and elaborate on the most romantic thing to have happened to her.

Here is the scene that is smeared in my mind's eye. We finally got through setting up our campsite by the lake. His Parents could sense we wanted to be alone, so they let us start wandering along the waters edge. I was entranced by this hidden lake, it was gorgeous. The clearest water I’ve ever seen, and we had a brilliant blue sky above. The grounding deep brown mud that matched my eyes squished under our feet. Then there was just a hint of a breeze that tossed the smell of the trees among the clean pure air. I can still recall the sound of the frogs beginning to croak and crickets chirp. But for the scene playing across my eyes there is a majestic sunset splashed on the sky. I knew there had to be mosquitos but not even those could ruin the picture, I thought nothing could do that, but alas man exists. We went from sitting and talking to standing in a cuddle hug to being face to face, then he got close. We were uncomfortably close.Suddenly, time stood still. I suspected what was to occur. My whole inside was screaming: “no, no, no, this can't be, don't tell me, I thought we agreed to save it.” Before I could make any of these sounds come out, his lips met mine and we were suctioned together. It was the longest moment of my life, but also too short. All I could do was break out and whisper “how could you?” Then I began sprinting towards the campsite. I wanted to go home, but settled on locking myself in a tent. That was when I started the emotion stew rant. Even thinking of it reboils that pot. Looking back, all those synonyms could boil down to betrayed. In a blink I have broken my one inner law, and had my innocence stolen.