Love Wasn't Enough

I never expected to run into my first boyfriend I ever had. I don’t think about him much. When I do think about him I think about the girl who loved him. She was young, fragile, and at his mercy. I’m not that anymore but when he looked at me across the room I wondered if he still saw me like that. In a matter of seconds my mind flooded to the past. A montage of days, nights, and years I spent with him. And there he was right where I left him in our hometown.

I lived with my mom most of my life but as I grew older the relationship between my mom and I grew apart. I was on my own for most of my life. I guess some say she did the best she could. We were fed, clothed, and had a roof over our head but the foundation was bad and the cracks came from inside the house. I had to take care of myself and sometimes he was all that I had.

In ways he lived the same life. No one told him what to do and he did what he wanted. That's what I liked about him; he made his own decisions. No one ever questioned him, he was great in school and sports so he was well liked by everyone. He could be sweet, he could make you feel like your worlds were meant to be. But I knew a different side of him. The side that made him weak and the side that made him angry.

When my mind flooded to the past, those were the moments I saw. I felt them as if they were yesterday. The warmth around my neck, the race of my chest holding my breath as if his hands were still around me. The way I would scoot away and he would push me closer and tell me I belong to him. I remember how weak he made me feel because he was my home.

I was such a young girl and all I ever wanted was a home, a husband,kids and a small yellow fence. I remember how naive I was to think any relationship of substance would have to endure that. I would have moments back then with him where I remember thinking I wish it could be like this .. happy .. all the time. But the truth was he was just a boy, I stood there staring at him, I wondered if he was a man yet?

The thought sent chills down my spine as I wondered if he ever changed. As we locked eyes I could tell he wanted to talk to me by the way he leaned in and his lips moved with no words and his expression slightly smirked. He was reading my body and he wanted to know if he could talk to me. I quickly looked away and grabbed the candle in front of me. It was like the universe was playing a trick on me, sweet pea, the lotion he would rub my body with after we showered.

I quickly put the candle down and moved down the aisle. I had to walk in his direction; it was the only way to get out. He stood still, he didn't move, he grabbed his cart and moved it out of my way. I didn’t flinch, I looked straight but I could sense him. It was bizarre that I could still feel him. His energy grew stronger and he stepped in front of the cart before I could get past him completely. “Hi” he said, I couldn’t believe he did that. “Hey” I instantly responded, "How are you? I didn’t know why I said that. He stepped out in front of my cart. “Im good how are you?” I quickly pushed the cart so he couldn't step in front more “im good too” then quickly moved forward to walk off.The cart ran into him a little and he moved out of my way, I thought that was easy. The way he stepped in front me though made me feel like he still saw me as that fragile girl who loved him.

As I started to slip out his view he stood so proudly behind me with his chest up and voice loud “im sorry for everything” as if it mattered. The little girl who cried for him; I buried her a long time ago but when I heard those words it was like the little girl inside of me jumped for joy. I jumped for joy because I didn't have to beg or ask. He just did it but the woman in me knew better. I stopped myself from walking and couldn't turn around. It was as if time stood still as I closed my eyes and I saw myself sitting in my closest crying. The woman in me couldn’t forget the girl I once was. Without a shrug I kept walking forward and I said nothing.

I remember the day we broke up. Fall didn’t come that year. It was as if the leaves of the trees' fried off and they just became bare quickly. It was only nothing but cold and the sky was gray. We had just received warning of a snow blizzard coming our way. I had checked my bag that morning looking for my tissue and saw that my boyfriend.. Him .. forgot his gloves in there. I was worried he could be cold at practice without them so I rushed to bring them to his class but his class wasn’t there that day. The room was empty, the hall was quiet. I walked around looking for him but he wasn’t on that floor so I walked up to the library and there he was with a girl from his class with his hands rubbing on her thigh. All I could do was stare, he had cheated before but up to this point it was a year of none of it, I thought he changed.

I had given up university to follow him to a small town to play juco because he had an injury his senior year. He begged for me to come and there he was right in front of my eyes. I remember when he saw me staring at them how quickly he got up from his chair. I only had seconds and I ran. I had the car and I booked it home but he got a ride because he was right behind me. I remember packing my bag and as soon as he came flying through the door he tackled me putting all his weight on me. I just wanted him to get up so I screamed at the top of my lungs but no one heard me. He put his hands over my mouth and said he would let me get up and just listen. I listened but I knew he'd never let me leave so I waited.

I laid beside him that evening after the fighting and the tears disappeared. I prayed to God, please don’t let this be my life, help me leave and I promised to never live with a guy again. I don’t think God cares much for a bargain but the next day my boyfriend got called into practice. They were adding more time to their day, while he was gone I packed, but someone saw me and told him. We lived off campus but everyone in the apartment went to our college. He had a lot of friends. As I finished up he came from inside the apartment building. I'm guessing he came from the back and went that way to catch me off guard but I was already outside. He ran out and stood by the driver's side of my car, I was by the garbage throwing away the last of the garbage. As I walked closer he had a look in his eyes and that look made everything in my spirit tell me not to get close to him. I walked to the passenger side and he asked to talk and I said no. I entered my key and was able to get inside of the car. As I began to drive away that's when I realized, had I gone any closer, the knife he put through my tire would have been for me. I was only 19 at that time and I have never lived with a guy since.