Surreal

“Stella!” Somebody yelled. She couldn’t move. Her body was a dead weight, sinking her into the depths of darkness and drowning her in anxiety. She could see her mum, lying next to her, an arm’s length away. Mum’s concerned eyes were searching Stella’s face, looking for… something. Stella wanted to reach out and touch her face and say ‘I’m not okay’. She wanted her mum’s fingers to make soothing trails through her messy curls. More than anything, she wanted to snuggle against her mum like she had done when she was little. But Stella's body wouldn’t obey.

There was so much noise. Her ears buzzed with static. Someone was crying. There were footsteps going this way and that. A phone was ringing and distant voices echoed down the hallway. ‘I need to get up.’ Stella thought. Her paralysed body was making it hard for her to breathe and fear pulsated through her body in time with her racing heart. ‘Mum!’ She screamed, but no sound came out. Mum didn’t seem to notice the noise as she continued to look at Stella with watchful eyes, love etched in every wrinkle. Eventually Stella's heart slowed, the noises faded and her eyelids grew heavy. 

“Mum?” Stella whispered into the darkness as her eyes fluttered open. In response, she felt her hand clasped by the familiar warmth of her mum’s hand. 

“Mum, I’m scared,” she said as tears rolled down the sides of her face towards her ears. 

“Come on, I’ll make you some hot chocolate,” mum said, rolling off the bed and walking towards the kitchen. 

Stella reached out and turned the bedside lamp on. The house was quiet. She placed her feet on the ground and stood up. A sudden dizzy spell made her wobble and she took a couple of deep breaths to steady herself before walking out of her room. She turned on the hallway light and walked towards the dining room to find their table covered with all sorts of foods. She could see a potato salad, a pasta bake, something that looked like spring rolls. There was a stack of clean plates on one side and another few around the table with half eaten food. Stella walked past it all. 

“Come, sit here,” mum said, pointing to a bar stool. Stella soon found herself sitting at the kitchen bench, sipping a hot chocolate. The sweet warmth of the liquid comforted her just as much as her mum’s presence.

“Can you remember the first time you had a panic attack? You were in Year 6. So little.” Mum said with a sad smile and continued. “You had the basketball finals happening the next day. And you had been so sad over Lulu dying. You were snuglling next to me when the bathroom door shut with a loud bang, setting you off. You had no idea what was happening, my poor bub. Your terrified eyes broke my heart.”

Stella has had many panic attacks since then. Especially with the stress of final years of high school. She took another sip of her hot chocolate as her mind went back to her childhood. She remembered how soft Lulu was. Her purring had calmed her down no matter how hard life got. Mum had taken her to the animal shelter on her 8th birthday to adopt Lulu. The little Stella hadn’t been able to understand why anyone would have abandoned the cat. She was beautiful, with long silver fur, white whiskers and sparkling green eyes. Then, she had died, leaving Stella feeling absolutely lost. The memory brought up a fresh surge of tears and Stella let them pour down her cheeks as she slowly finished her hot chocolate. Mum came up to her and put an arm around her shoulders. Stella leaned into the cuddle and searched for the familiar smell of mum’s jasmine scented cream.

“I’m sorry for all the hard things you had to face, sweetheart. From such a young age too.” Mum said, kissing the top of her head. Stella knew she was not referring to her cat’s death. Mum’s words made her feet go numb. Those memories were better left for day time.

Stella washed her mug and walked back to her room.

…………..

“Stella,” a soft voice whispered in her ears and Stella tried to force her eyes open against the bright light. 

“Stella,” came the same voice, a little louder this time, accompanied with a little shake of her shoulders.

“Hmmm, I’m up. What time is it?” Stella asked, squinting at the figure standing next to her bed.

“It’s late. Time to get changed. We need to leave in 30 minutes,” Katiya said in a soft voice as she gently peeled the doona off her sister’s body.

“Okay,” Stella said and forced herself to sit up.

Katiya ran her fingers through Stella’s hair, the same way their mum did.

“I made you a coffee and there’s a slice of raisin toast for you,” Katiya said, pointing at the bedside table.

“Thanks. Sorry I didn’t get up earlier,” Stella said, feeling guilty.

“Don’t be stupid. Have your coffee and try to eat.,” Katiya said, wiping away a tear. “I’m going to get changed. Sam’s keeping the boys busy. Be ready in twenty, okay?”

“Yeah, thanks, Kat,” Stella said.

Stella picked up the coffee. The smell sharpened her dull senses. Coffee wasn’t something she normally drank. It was a habit she picked up purely to function through the exhaustion of last week. It helped Stella get through the day but made her anxiety worse at night. A perpetual cycle which Stella had no energy to break at the moment.

The bitterness of the hot liquid always took Stella by surprise. The provocative smell never lived up to its promises. She took small, medicinal sips of the scalding liquid while the raisin toast sat on the plate, neglected. 

……………..

Outside, familiar sights of her neighbourhood went rushing past in a blur. The collie she had seen a hundred times in her life, was sitting as usual, tied up in front of the corner store. The young couple she had said hello to, was walking down the road, happily swinging their arms and stepping in tandem. The sun was shining golden white with a stubborn will. Inside, Stella felt darkness enveloping her.

She squeezed Katiya’s hand and her sister returned the gesture. The boys were bickering in the back seats of the mini van. The Starbucks zoomed past them. They were close now. Stella felt her chest tightening. Sam's steady hands turned the steering wheel and they entered the long driveway. They made their way past looming trees on either side of the road. The tree canopy made it feel like they have entered a dark tunnel. Stella couldn't breathe. Katiya placed a small ice pack on the inside of Stella’s wrist.

“Thanks,” Stella said, turning to her sister and trying to give her a smile. 

They came to the clearing of a car park. Stella’s breathing settled. 

Sam parked the mini van. Everything was so quiet. They were the first to arrive. A cool breeze greeted them as they got out and walked towards the building. The boys had stopped bickering, each holding onto their father.

Stella felt an irrational surge of guilt for leaving her mum on her own for so long. Her rational brain pushed the feeling aside. The ice pack at her wrist had become soft and she threw it in the bin as they entered the building. They went past various signs that blurred into the background. They went past people at the door who greeted them. Stella was uncertain what they said. Static noise was filling her ears. Katiya squeezed her hand and the noise faded.

“Mum?” Stella whispered looking down at the figure lying in front of her, cocooned in satin. The smell of jasmine pierced through her heart. She reached out to feel her mum’s hands in hers. They were stiff and cold. “Mum, I’m scared,” Stella whispered as she gave into the sobs and let the world crumble around her.