Your light inside anxiety

Your entire life has been a lie. You can’t process the fact that the hardest tasks could be so simple. 

You’ve been living a life full of fear: what is it I am meant to do in life? what on earth is my purpose?

It’s an unusual afternoon in the middle of August. The road outside your window is quiet. The only sound you can hear is that of the rain splashing across the trees. 

Sitting on the edge of your bed, you observe your familiar surroundings. You feel as though time is still, with every beat of the clock getting slower each time. Thoughts are racing and before you get a chance to grasp any, they disappear in a mess you can’t figure out. 

“What is wrong with me? Why can’t I be normal?” you wonder to yourself.

Breathe in and out, in and out…as if it helps.

You never got the chance to express how you feel to your family. Oh, you know so well that the vibration of a young adult having anxiety won't even be remotely understood.

“Mental illness is not a thing/ go make some friends/ stop with the self-pity” they answer.

It feels like a rule in your subconscious insists that doing, simple-normal people things, can never be that simple for you.

You can’t even get yourself to get out of bed, let alone socialize. Every simple step makes you feel as if you have to run-up to the top of a mountain...while carrying a ton of chains on both your legs. 

Recalling some of your childhood memories, makes you wonder how you made it up until this point. All those screams and shouts are still echoing in your head. Flashbacks of the endless nights of your parents fighting, pass right in front of you. It was to the point where your 12-year-old self, wished they would just get a divorce. That was the moment you realized that life isn't a happy playground. Life is a battlefield and you are the soldier fighting for your own destiny.

You feel numb and empty. It feels like you are battling against yourself, within yourself. 

Those clouds are portraying your thoughts, grey and moody. But the rain, the sound of the rain like a perfect symphony, soothes your brain. It’s like the droplets of water running down the window are dancing alongside your tears. 

You crumble up in a fetus position and let those streams fall as you did back then. It’s liberating since depression never let you cry. Crying makes you feel alive. You have a purpose; you’ve been through so much already. The strength it takes for you to push yourself out of a dark place is unimaginable. 

You feel like tomorrow is going to be better today. Today doesn’t define you.

You gather the strength to sit up. You grab a photo album from when you were a baby.

Frozen moments, happy moments, and memories you can’t recall. The smile on your 7-year-old self seems so genuine and pure.

“That child with a smile so bright, only if it could preserve that purity and carefree mentality,” you think to yourself.

Analyzing that thought, you realize that, that child, would be proud of you. You are a full of empathy person, and you wouldn't change that for the world. Even if, sometimes you feel like a rug getting stepped on with mud.

You grab your pen and begin liberating your feelings on a piece of paper…

Dear 7-year-old self,

You are still young to understand many things that you will be going to have to face. The future is full of new things, things you have hoped for, and things you have not. You will get through everything; it’s going to be hard sometimes, but you will make it, I promise. You’ll surprise yourself; you are more capable than you think you are. As cheesy as this sounds, never give up. Keep creating, keep singing, keep reading, and writing -do what you love the most. Work hard and success will find its way to you. And also you know that contagious smile that everybody talks about? Never lose it.

You must never lose faith. You are loved, you matter, and no matter what hardships life throws at you, you will keep your head up. 

Love,

Your 20-year-old self.

…and as you start singing to yourself your emotions get stronger. The most vulnerable part of your soul is unleashing so much creativity.

So, you’ve come to the realization, art is the best therapy. 

They can tear you apart, take everything away from you, but to remain creative means you preserved a piece of your childhood. Instead of burying the pain deep down, you find a way to create something beautiful out of it. 

What better way to prove to yourself that you are enough and unique in your own existence?

Your dog, being your best companion, lays by your side. Words cannot be spoken, but those eyes can sympathize with you better than any human could.

You seal the letter and appreciate how you managed to turn darkness into light. A glimpse of hope surpasses you and somewhere inside your heart, a ray of warmth makes you feel better.

“Only if anyone could understand me as you do,” you whisper to your dog.

You looked out the window and, not for the first time, thought about how wrong the weather forecast had been. The rain had only lasted for about 50 minutes. It wasn’t a stormy afternoon; it was a sunny afternoon with a splash of darkness. Just to spice life up, as dark as it was for you when the rain started, you realized how much of a blessing fighting for the light was.

A tiny bit of light is all it takes to conquer the darkness. When you feel like the darkness is falling all over you fight to find that glimpse of light inside you. That glimpse is enough to reach out to hope.