Eva

She sought refuge in the only place inside that house where once, years ago and for a little period of time, she felt free. That room was her only anchor. In that room she had some time for herself, some of her frustrations were left there, she silently cried on the pillow at night and smiled making her mind dream and fly away. For the little time she had that space for her, she could express herself in the comfort of her solitude. No one was present to blame her for exiting.

The safe and warm heaven she had started to build for herself had been stripped away from her and given to her brother. The more deserving one. Deserving of freedom, respect, care, affection and food.

Still, that room contained a reminiscence of the only good memory of her life and even if it didn’t end up well, she clung so hard to it because, after all, it was the only one she had. When she fell in love. It was his brother’s best friend. Him smiling at her, stopping at the door to timidly ask how she was. He brought her some daisies one day asking her to marry him and run away together, even if they were just kids; he would’ve taken care of her. Her father heard it. He told her brother to never invite him again and to give him a lesson too. She never saw him again. That’s the first time her father called her a whore. She was 8.

That particular day, after what happened, she instinctively ran there to free herself. Twelve years had passed since the last time she entered that room as her own. She was bawling her eyes out and she couldn’t stop. Something broke inside and she couldn’t keep it in anymore. She would’ve preferred it, to have kept hiding it in and stop that pathetic cry, but she just couldn’t. As soon as the tears started flowing out of her eyes, everything else came out as a sudden storm. The kind of storm that destroys everything it touches and that’s exactly what she started doing, destroying everything. She started trashing, kicking, punching, smashing, crashing, throwing anything that came within her range screaming at the top of her lungs. Until she fell on the ground, devastated, forceless. She fell asleep. Emptied.

One hour later, her father stormed inside the house, infuriated, calling out her name. He ran up the flight of stairs and finally opened the room and brusquely stopped, in shock. He couldn’t move nor talk. His heart, full of anger a second ago, now, seeing what was in front of him, was filled with compassion and remorse. He didn’t know what to do and especially, how to console her. For some reason, he never knew how to be kind to her. He left and closed himself in his room.

Her mother had chased him and now was standing in front of the open door, incredulous and shaking. She also didn’t know what to do, how to react. She was heartbroken to see her daughter in that state.

They had never seen her like that. She had always been a silent and obedient kid. They were so used to see her take it all in with no reaction, showing no indisposition whatsoever, that seeing her exhausted on the ground in the midst of the chaos she caused, had shocked them and made them realize what had truly been the result of all those years inside of her. What the silent daily violence really carved inside of her.

Eva opened her eyes, drooling. She was a mess. It was like if every interior part of her body was pushing towards the outside. Her head was exploding, her eyes, nose, ears were pounding, her shoulders, arms, chest, back...there wasn’t a part in her body that wasn’t hurting. She couldn’t hear properly. Her jaw was hard, her mouth on fire. Everything started pulsing and she felt like she just wanted to crawl towards her mother and being hugged and reassured.

Her mother just stood there, enable to do or say nothing. Looking at her in horror.

She wanted but couldn’t. Her motherly instincts had been asleep for too long due to her husband influence. She had dedicated her entire life making sure he didn’t get too mad and erupt into physical violence on her. Apparently, she should consider herself lucky that she was left just with the non-physical one to deal with, which, by the way, was constantly present. Like moldy damp air, full of dense particles of water and spores penetrating into your lungs, attacking them, depriving you from fully breathe in the necessary amount of oxygen. Slowly killing you. And still, you have to keep living, even if you’re drowning, there’s nothing you can do.

That’s how she was raised. The only thing she knew.

The only thing they taught her.

There’s nothing out there different than this.

You think you are special?

You think you can do better?

You know shit.

You are shit.

It is what it is.

Just deal with that.

Deal with that. But how? They never gave her the tools.

Laying on the floor, looking at her mother staying still, everything came to a stop. All her struggles, her fears, her excuses, justifications, all the life lasting internal fights, they just abruptly stopped. They disappeared. Something fractured permanently. Seeing her mother unable to step in and comfort her last remaining child on the ground, almost lifeless, vulnerable, unchained something. Something evil. A dim shadow, a dark soul.

The obscurity filled her. Her heart. Her mind. Her body. Her soul.

She stood up, as if a force was pulling her up and guiding her. Her hair disheveled, the mascara signs underneath both eyes, a white line of saliva clearly visible from her mouth to her cheek. She was getting closer with heavy steps, bent over, her arms dangling. She was frightening. She could see it in her mother’s eyes. She stopped right in front of her. She was taller and that dark aura made her look even bigger. She lowered herself to be eye to eye with her, to penetrate deep inside her soul and suck the little life she had left out of her. She kind of growled and her mother barely gasped before Eva put her hand over her mouth.

The earlier rage transformed in pure madness. She wasn’t angry anymore, she just wanted to induce pain, provoke fear and feed herself off of it. She was hungry and they were her first victims. But why killing them when she could make them suffer for as long as they could live? And she would make sure that it would be as long as their bodies could hold on.

A dark power had taken control of her, a dark energy that has always been there, dormant, patiently waiting. It had grown stronger and stronger over the years. She had fought against it, believing it to be wrong.

Wrong and right. She tried so hard to be good and do the right thing, and what was the result? What did she receive back? Pain.

Maybe she did it wrong. Maybe she should try another approach.

Was it wrong to cause the suffering that she had suffered?

The last shred of her conscience made a last attempt. How would she know if the people she was going to hurt hadn’t already suffered enough in their life? They were not to blame for. Attempt failed. She didn’t care. She spent her whole life thinking about other people’s hurt and comprehending their reaction, to her detriment. She didn’t have that empathy anymore. Every little molecule of the old Eva was gone.

After all, her name was Eva. The Sinner. The origin of all sinners. Her father’s words. She was the evil. She wasn’t anything else but a sinner, since she was conceived. She almost killed her mother at birth so she almost caused her brother to be left without a mother and him without a wife.

“That’s why I gave you that name, Eva, the first sinner, a bloody whore!”

Maybe that was the way. She spent her life pushing away that sin inside of her. Maybe that was the wrong move, she just needed to accept her nature.

Her mother fainted. She just let her drop hardly on the floor.

She finally had a glance at herself on the mirror on her right. She straightened up a bit, recomposed herself and cruelly smiled. She liked what she saw. She liked what she was.

Her father came running down the hallway as he heard a dull thud and stumbled back when he saw her. She was unrecognizable. She started walking slowly and firmly towards him, towards his bedroom, while he was slowly backing down.

“Eva”

“No! You can’t pronounce my name anymore, daddy”

That daddy sounded horrifying.

“Dear daddy, keep my name out of your mouth”

She said almost singing.

“Eva I’m…”

She jumped before him aggressively, tossed him on the bed and now was on top of him.

“Don’t you motherfucking dare. Not now” she roared.

“It’s too late” she chanted smiling.

Then, she did exactly what she did to her mother. She deeply stared at him, at an inch of distance, with her mouth open. Her breathing seemed more like a grunt. Like of a wild animal.

He was terrified so she smiled even more and started laughing. A cruel and deep laughter. Not human. It came from hell.

“I’ll make you suffer for the rest of your life daddy. You and mommy.”

She slowly got off of him, backed her way out unhurriedly, her gaze never leaving his father’s.

For the first time, he saw the evil he was so used to accuse her for but never really saw. Now, it was right in front of him. In all its form and power. And he was the cause. He triggered it. He pushed her too far and he knew he would be regretting it. He knew this wasn’t over; it was just the beginning.

They never saw he again, but they felt her heavy, dark and oppressive presence everywhere, in every moment. Her mother never recovered. As if she had been lobotomized. Unresponsive. Her sight was void. She stopped eating until one day, she just disappeared in the woods behind the house to never been seen again.

He was left alone. In constant tension, fear, remorse. He barely ate. He tried to kill himself but she wouldn’t let him die. She was making sure he was going to live long enough to suffer all the consequences of the pain he caused and to see what he had created. The monster he was responsible for.

He would receive these letters. Photos. Her victims. He could see the horrifying terror they were experiencing, the angst they were feeling.

“This is all my fault” he couldn’t help but think every time he would receive a new letter, a new picture.

He was left thinking about what he did to her, the violence she tolerated since she was born and that last dose of poison he administrated to her.

This last memory haunted him forever. It played in his mind over and over again.

That day, it was Joel’s funeral, his son, her brother. She, in immense pain for the loss of her only brother, whom she sincerely loved, approached her parents next to the grave, sobbing. She touched her father’s arm and he turned at her in anger, as if she was a curse. He looked at her in the most hateful way, as if she was guilty of his beloved son’s death, as if she caused it, as if it was her fault. As if it should’ve been her. She ran away, in that house that never felt like home. In that room that once had been hers and then belonged to her brother, who was now gone, and still was more loved than her. Death deserved more love than her. She never had such a malevolent thought but while running, she regretted she hadn’t been the cause. The cause of her brother’s death.

“Oh well, there’s plenty of time. I will be the cause for many others from now on.”

She had time. All the time of the world. Or at least, until her daddy was alive. And then, we’ll see.

She felt such a relieve. To finally be herself. Her true nature.

“After all, you were right daddy. I am evil.”