The Wolf

I wish I could say I always knew it would end this way but the truth is if I did I would have never left my shitty apartment. I wouldn’t have jumped out of my bed when your face flashed on the news for the first time, your eyes still as soft as I remembered them. When they scanned for me in every crowed room we’d ever been in, your soft facade never fooled me. The tension in your neck and the clenching of your jaw always gave away your fear, your desperation. But who could blame you for that anxiety, it was ingrained in you from childhood. Since the world told you that you had to either be or submit to strength, and when your father reinforced that.

‘It’s a dog eat dog world. And the weakest are the first to go.’ Your father would say over again like a broken record. When I first came over for dinner last October I smiled at the statement, not really knowing what else to do, foolishly not noticing the unease that you felt. If I had would things have been different?

I bit back the wishful thinking, driving through the rain, cursing every red light in my path. There were always so many when you were rushing, like the world itself was begging me to reconsider, turn around. You can’t change anything, can’t change what’s already been done. But of course I ignored it, of course I did. I was always one to ignore obvious red flags, and nothing else mattered but you, it was how it’d always been and how it’d always be.

My car screeched into the parking lot, it was empty, it’d been since the winter started. It wasn’t really the season for roller coasters and carousels.

“It’s a cheesy amusement park a few hours away. I used to go with my parents and siblings but it got old quick.” My words flooded back into my memory.

“Would it be crazy if I’d told you I’d never been?” He said, smiling like he always did.

“Well Wondercoasters isn’t really the best amusement park there is so you’re not missing out on much.”

“No. I’ve never been to an amusement park.” He said, studying my expression of surprise which such attentiveness, such affection.

I could’t imagine him hurting anyone, much less killing someone. At the time I wondered if that would be considered a weakness or a strength. I guess now it doesnt really matter much does it.

‘It’s a dog eat dog world. It’s a dog eat dog world…’

I hear his father saying over and over in my head as I run through the rain past the locked gates to the back where apart of the gate was cut from before. I wrestles with the iron wire, making my way through but not before it’s jagged edges tugged my skin, drawing blood as I cursed. The park was large but I knew he’d be here, I knew exactly where he’d be. It was shortly after that conversation we’d had that he came here to decide for himself how mediocre or not the park was.

“It’s a good couples spot, the ratings are good for food too.” You’d say and I’d smile, I admittedly never thought of it like that before. But then again, my life before you was pretty bland. Working in a coffee shop, the same short conversations with regulars, the same bus ride home.

“Main suspect in the homicide of 60 year old man still at large…” The TV rung like an alarm in my memory, making my movement more frantic, more erratic.

I remember how you looked the last time you came into the coffee shop. How you moved frantically then like I did now. It was your father, you guys didn’t have the best relationship after you moved out. It was even worse when your mother invited us over for dinner, she missed you and your dad hated that. My head stillrung as his yell filled the room and your mother retreated deeper in her seat.

“You still come here like a fucking coward! Scared of your own shadow, you poor excuse of a man.” He’d yell, spit showering you as you stood in front of him. You were angry, your kind eyes hid that but your tension was there. But you didn’t do anything, you never did. You just gathered your things and gave that look you always did before we headed out, shutting the door with just enough purpose to hopefully communicate that these dinners were over. Your mother silently cried as you left her but your father looked so triumphant, taking the final swig of his beer that seemed to disappoint him more than the loss of a son.

“I told you not to follow me.” I heard a broken voice from the darkness and I froze. My eyes weld with tears as I searched for him, his shaggy brown hair, the horrible tie dyed sweater I’d made him on our first date that he lied about loving. Once I saw him I couldn’t stop myself from running, the tears fulling flowing from my eyes. He caught me in an embrace. It was cold and wet but it was his, it was him.

“Why did…What happened?” He said through sobs. I didn’t answer right then, I couldn’t. I nuzzled into his chest, in the pocket of his neck under his chin. I breathed in his wet dog scent and stole what was left of his warmth. He probably hadn’t showered in days but I didn’t care, I just wanted him.

“Please…” He said trembling, it was cold out, the weather was dipping below sweater weather and neither of us were prepared.

“He could have killed you…” I said burying my head deeper in his damp shirt. “I needed it to stop. Needed him to stop.” He tensed at my response but he already knew the truth. He knew as soon as his father didn’t wake him up with his usual screams of tyranny, when he entered his fathers bedroom to find the knife planted in his chest, his mother already on the phone with the police, watching him with terror. At least that’s what I’m assuming would have happened, he didn’t come to see me after everything went down, I thought he would.

“Tell me… What happened, did he try to-” His voice caught and I retracted from my spot of warmth, looking up at him and shaking my head.

“No. He was passed out. He’d been drinking while you were gone, he passed out before his head hit the pillow.”

I thought this would relax him, knowing I wasn’t in harms way. But his face only looked more distraught, the tears rolled faster down his cheeks. He nodded but fell to his knees before I had the time to catch him.

“I know I know” I wiped his tears as he looked down at the ground. “But you’re safe from him now. He can never hurt you again. He can’t hurt us.”

He started muttering, blubbering was probably a better word. Then in one swift motion he turned to the side and convulse. Yellow bile left his lips but that was it, he must not have eaten in days. I rushed over to comfort him, rub his back, do anything I could to make this better. But he stopped me.

“I need to hear you say it.” He turned and looked me in my eyes, I’d realized in that moment that it was the first time he’d done that all night. There was more sorrow in those kind eyes than anything else, it broke my heart. “I can’t… I need to hear it from you. Please I need to know for sure.”

I hesitated, then took a deep breath, cupping his face with my hands before saying the words that shattered both of our worlds.

“I killed your father. He gasped for air as your mother slept peacefully, I was the last thing he saw as he bled out.” I paused, contemplating my next words, then continued. “In that moment do you think he felt like a dog, being ripped apart by sharper teeth. I can’t help but hope he did.”

As I said that I saw something change in my lovers face, all at once his kind eyes changed from sadness, to disgust, then fear. But he didn’t let me go, I remember thinking that it was a signed that we could get through this. That above all else he loved me and I loved him, was I really so foolish to believe that.

Then I heard the last thing I’d hoped to hear that night, footsteps hurriedly approaching in the distance, faint glow of flashlights as they approached in the dark. Whoever they were they’d seen us, and they were coming this way. I tried to turn around but he held me in his arms, the hold was tight but my stomach didn’t drop until I looked back to his eyes, they were void. Void of anything, void of expression, void of surprise by our guests or fear of what chaos they might bring.

“I’ve my father was a dog, you’re a wolf. A wolf wagging your tail while stalking your prey.” I struggled to break from his grasp but he held me, his eyes only softening when he saw the uniforms in the distance.

“My father was right, I was always a lamb. But at least this time I’m not alone.”

I looked him in his face, I pleaded, I cried.

“Please don’t do this. I did this to protect you! I love you! What about us?! Do we mean nothing to you now?!”

“Us?!” He said with such disgust that it shut me up immediately. “There is no us… There was ever an us!” He screamed as she shoved me into the first officer who tackled me to the ground, knee between my shoulder blades.

“I don’t know you! I don’t know how you know me! You came to me house! My job! Followed me on dates! Made my father think I was crazy-” His voice broke.

“I love you! And I know you love me too.” I screamed back, he didn’t know what he was talking about. The way he looked at me when he walked into me store, when he asked me what was fun to do around here a year ago. When he took my suggestion to do to Wondercoasters. But he said nothing, he just watched as the cops hauled me away, followed as they dragged me sobbing to the back of the police car and stared at me with those cold dead eyes that I’d never seen before.

“You’re gonna go away for a very long time.” He said to in a hoarse whisper that I could barely hear. It was a voice that I couldn’t imagine coming from him, something so cold and deliberately mean.

“I don’t care when you get out or where you go after but I’m going very, very far from here. And I swear to god if you follow me, if I even see your face in a fucking puddle I promise… I promise…” His voice trailed off as he clenched his teeth so hard it made it hard to speak. Then he was gone, then I was gone. In a cell, I don’t remember much about the trial or where I was. I don’t know my cell mates or the names of the guards in the halls. But I do know his name, the name of my love, my stolen happily ever after.

“Zachary” I’d whisper to the walls.

“Zachary. Zachary. Zachary.”