I WANT TO SLICE HIS THROAT

When I was on that church just to feel the ambience feeling, it's very cold it makes me almost sleep. The cold feeling lets my soul out for a while, and feels something spiritual inside me. I was living everywhere at this moment, sometimes I sleep on the roof, sometimes I sleep near the grassy field kind of park. But nothing really matter. I hate it when people pity me, I'm the happiest person on earth. But there is a roof with an empty building. There, with me, Barry, and Rick there to survive and living at the same time. We believe that living is better than surviving, that our body is not as weak as we think. But still the same thing, we don't want to be pitied. There is a bread on the table and we just let the wooden table dirty and eating there. We don't remember anything since the floods happen at that time. I don't really remember the exact time. We make a living by singing near the church near the graveyard, and feeding the pigeons. "Hey Liam, you go to the leaves again?" What we meant as leaves is the village market. Sometimes we just carry some fruits there, and fight with some shop owners. At that time I'm quite bored with same rutinition, so I go out to find something interesting. This city feels a whole world to me, for a 14 year old boy in 1923. Toy company is quite large and new, but the dolls are very scary, I don't even want to look at it. But it's normal for us to wandering around and get lost. Rick sometimes not come back to our warehouse for a year since the last christmas. Edinburgh is a quite place, especially with that dog Bobby, wonder what happen to him. I think I'd like to make a story about it. Papers and ink are something always being with me, without it, I probably end up to become someone really bad, or maybe still. I walk over again and again, across the street, across the air, across the riverbanks. I touch the cold water, splashes it into my face, and fresh again. "Hey you?" A girl sound behind me. It's quite rare for me to hear that kind of sound. I used to be a fearful kid, and try to survive again somehow in between. "That water feels nice, eh?" The girl asks me. "Oh yeah, quite." I answer shortly, I trained to be passive to protect my heart and body at all costs. "Why you looking at me like that?" She asks it with a little frown on her mouth. "What's it to you?" I asked her passively. "Want some drink? I find an interesting drink there. Very sweet," she said. "Real sugar?" I asked her. "Real, pure golden sugar." I always put in my mind I can afford everything, and to have a taste. We walk together sneakly, try to steal a bottle of syrup. "I would like some orange," I give an order. "Got it, sir," she obeys. "What's your name anyway?" I asked her. "Eileen," short and plain, since we still on the sneak mode. I always have high level of fight or flight response, used to be in situation where I'm being frozen and can do nothing about it. Being powerful is the only way to survive here. "I'm Liam," I answer shortly too. I don't know whether the guards are deaf or what, but we get two bottle easily. We then run as fast as we can. I can smell some pheromones from her. I try to be alive for sure, not keep hoarding every memory I have.

We then slipped together and lay on each other, we suddenly kiss. At that time we don't feel anything dramatic, we do everything to survive, including to get some dopamine from that kind of stuff. I'm using rubber to fill my thing, and I caress her hair and cheeks slowly, tenderly. She moans loudly, and I try to carresing her underarms, feeling it all wet. "Let's get something to drink," I asks her to get up by grip her and we drink from one bottle, for each of us. We fall asleep and not talk about anything.

Well I get there when I speak fluently Spanish in my mind. But I’d like to living in a desert with some railroad tracks on it, then jump and sleep.

“Eileen, mind if I asking you a question?” She still feel some warmth on me.

“Yeah, you can.”

But something in a way, I remember that bastard who used to pick on me when I was six, I won’t let him get away with it. “Something wrong?” Eileen asked. “Nothing, Eileen. It’s time to get home to give that little bastard a lesson. “What? I don’t understand,” she shows some concern. “You don’t need to, it’s my own business,” I keep it sharp, like a knife I want to stab him on his throat. But it’s always the same problem in my mind that keep hindering me to do what I need to do, maybe I need some different approach. I run very fast left her, I don’t even know whether she follows me around or not. Sometimes I avoid affection since most of the time it’s weakening me.

I run very fast, across the market and the fruit cellar, and find my warehouse with my two buddies in it. “Liam, what’s wrong, mate? You look like you try to stab someone,” Barry shows some concern as he’s my older brother, which is correct in a way. “You goddamn right I do.” Rick looks at me with excitement, since he knows what’s inside my mind the whole time. I go to my room, I mean another part of the stone I used to have. I do some strengthening muscle movement, and tears fall of my eyes, disguised as a sweat. They just look at me silently. We have unwritten rule that says never mind anyone’s businesses.

“It’s not over, it’s not over yet,” I said. But I’m scared, nothing scared what I will do next, but scared about my head gonna explode and nothing left. But it’s nothing, on my current age, it won’t solve anything.

“Liam?” I heard Eileen’s voice again. What the hell she keeps following me around.

“Why do you following me? You’re not supposed to be here,” I said to her wildly. Rick and Barry just busy sharpening the knives I will use to toward Maxi, the man I want to kill.

“I just afraid you probably do something weird,” she said it with fake concern.”

“Beat it, you bushboy, go to your comfy house and cook some chilli into your mouth,” I’m yelling on the air. Eileen seems shocked, whe walks away and I’m unsure whether she reacts. But right now I need to prepare myself. “Nice falsetto, big man,” Rick tells me proudly.

“Yeah, right, one day I will be a big man and beats the hell out all of them. Slice their throat and kneecaps, they will stay alive and suffer for long,” I say it honestly, without realize it’s affecting the whole air in our cave. Me, Rick, and Barry, we all have brutal story to begin with before we met at this point. But right now, to survive is more than anything, caned foods and drinks are more than enough for us. At least to fill our stomatch who’s empty most of the time, with a wolf stomatch and sharp claws on our hands, we can do whatever we want.