Second Chance

The last time I cried this hard, my cat died.

My face is streaked with liquid—tears, snot, hell, maybe even a little spit. I’m a damn mess, and I’m letting it all out in the only place I can get some peace. My car. In the parking lot of my—our—apartment. The fact that I share my living space with my boyfriend occurs to me as if it were a brand new thought, not like it had been a fact for a whole year. And it fuels my anger and hurt like gas poured onto a flame. I let out a scream. A loud, long scream, and bang my hands down on my steering wheel—several times—for good measure. It helps that I imagine the steering wheel as my boyfriend’s face.

What had started out as a tiff over the dishes turned into a full-blown screaming match. And honestly, at the end of the day, I could live with the fact that I’d be doing the dishes most nights. The real reason I got so upset and am crying as hard as I’ve ever cried before is because this isn’t the first time this has happened, and we haven’t been on the same page for a while. Usually, I could keep my head cool and bounce back from an argument. But right now, the only thoughts that ran through my head were that the four years we spent together were about to just become another relationship in history that failed.

I grab my phone from the passenger seat and call my best friend. I’d only recently told her about how my boyfriend and I haven’t been on the same page, pretending that everything was fine otherwise. But when I had finally confided in her, she knew just what to say.

She answered almost immediately, but it wasn’t her voice I first heard when she picked up, it was the deep thrum of bass. “Yo, cut it!” Her voice sounded distant. The bass cut abruptly and when she spoke again, it sounded much closer to the phone. “Hello?”

“Hey Kelly. You in the studio?”

“Haha, yeah, just wrapping up my new single! Comes out this Friday, as you knowww.”

“Haha, yup, I know. Can’t wait to hear it.” I sniffle.

“Jayla, what’s wrong? Are you crying? Is it Sam?” That was one of the things I loved about Kelly. On top of the fact that she was a super talented singer who already had a manager and a record deal at just 26 years old which was just straight badass, I could call her, and without telling her anything, she knew just what was wrong, and what to say to make it better.

I nod, even though she can’t see me, and I feel the tears start to well up again. My voice quivers when I reply, “Yes.”

“Oh no. What happened?”

I tell her about our argument and my fears for our wavering compatibility, and she calms me down, reassuring me that “It’s just a disagreement. Communication can solve that.” If I’m honest, I’m not completely convinced, but I do feel less miserable after talking to her.

“Anytime girl. You know I always have your back. And you know I would tell you if you’re bugging, too.”

I chuckle. “Oh yeah. I know.”

“Cool. So listen, sorry to change subjects but…Kyle May is doing a show this weekend, you down to come with?”

“Omg.” Kyle May was a DJ who Kelly and I loved. He was well known for super smooth transitions and the most jaw dropping, perfect blends of songs. His shows were an absolute must-go for music lovers. And seeing him, hearing some good music, was just what I needed. “Hell yes I’m down.”

“Ayyee yay! And listen…maybe you could tell him to play my new single? I feel like his type of crowd is literally the target audience.”

“Kelly! Come on, be forreal.”

“I am being forreal! He’s answered your DMs before, no?”

“I mean…yeah I’ve sent him song recs, and we’ve messaged back and forth briefly, but I highly doubt he’d listen if I asked him to play my best friend’s new single at a set that he more than likely already has planned.”

“Well you never know unless you ask…pleeeease? I totally think he’ll say yes.”

I shake my head. “You’re crazy. But fine, I’ll ask.”

“Woo! You’re the best! Hey you know if it doesn’t work out with Sam, Kyle May is just a DM away…”

“Kelly! You’re crazy. That man has no interest in me.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that.”

“I’m hanging up now. Go finish your single.”

“See you Saturday! Don’t forget to ask—” but I cut her off before she can finish. She’d made jokes about Kyle May before, and though I found him attractive (I highly doubted there was a girl out there who didn’t find him attractive) I never assumed he liked me at all just because he liked a few stories of his shows I tagged him in and responded every once in a while if I sent him a song rec. But nevertheless, he did reply, so why not try to help Kelly out. She had helped me out plenty of times.

I realize it’s now been a while since I stormed out of our apartment. It was time to go back and try and work things out. I walk back into our apartment to find Sam relaxed on the couch, playing video games.

“Hey,” I say.

“Hey,” he replies. He doesn’t look away from the TV.

“I’m sorry for yelling,” I continue, “It wasn’t right.”

He doesn’t immediately look up. I feel a sinking feeling in my stomach and look away from him, afraid I might start crying again. Then I notice that there are no dishes in the sink. And I can hear now the familiar swishing of the dishwasher running.

Sam sighs and I turn back to him. He pauses his game and looks at me. “I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have acted like that. About any of it. It was stupid and immature.”

The sinking feeling alleviates a bit. I give him a small smile. “I appreciate your apology.”

“I appreciate yours.” There’s another pause between us, then he holds out his arms. I go to them as if they’re magnetic, and all the reasons why I love the guy come sneaking up on me like a symphony crescendoing until I land in his arms. There’s such a warmth there, one that triggers my thought that we may fight, but things will be okay.

Saturday comes, and I’m getting ready for the Kyle May show. Kelly was already on her way over to pick me up, so I was just doing finishing touches on my makeup. My phone buzzes, temporarily quieting my music. I assume it’s Kelly telling me she was close. I don’t look as I reach for my phone, since I’m in the middle of applying gloss. When I reach my phone up to my face to unlock it, my chest tightens.

It’s a message from Kyle May. A response to my request to play Kelly’s song at his set.

Yo, song’s fire. I can def work it into my set tonite.

I reread the message again and again. I couldn’t believe he actually said yes.

“Yo, you good?” I jump at the sound of Sam’s voice. He’s standing at the door of the bathroom, watching me.

“Jesus, you scared me. You’re like a ninja…so quiet.”

“Sorry.”

He stands there without saying anything, and I lose my patience. “Do you need something?”

We’d just had another small argument, and I was unhappy with him. I could feel the familiar heat of frustration over our constant arguing beginning to simmer my anger about our current argument.

“I just wanted to know what time you think you’ll be back tonight. I want to stay up so I know you’re safe.”

“Like you really care.”

My phone dings again, and this time it’s Kelly telling me she’s here.

“Kelly’s here, I gotta go.”

I toss my lipgloss into my purse and head out the door.

The show is everything I needed it to be. It was in a warehouse-like venue, lots of colorful lights swirling over a packed and sweaty crowd. In a way it was kind of nice that I needed a reason to be there, because I really tapped into the side of myself that wanted to let go of my worries and just have a fun time.

At the end of the show, I begin to file into the crowd toward the exit, when a tipsy Kelly grabs my arm.

“Let’s go see if we can meet Kyle May.”

“What? Kelly, what makes you think we’re gonna be able to—”

But she starts heading for the stage and drags me along with her. I wasn’t completely drunk, but I was tipsy enough not to be able to protest. It seemed like it only took seconds for us to get to the stage—and be feet away from Kyle May, who was taking pictures with other fans. Before we know it, the line is up, and I’m face to face with him.

He smiles at me, and I freak out. That was no regular smile.

“Hey, I know you! You’re the one who asked me to play your friend’s song, right?”

I feel Kelly squeeze my arm, which makes me think maybe I’m taking too long to respond. “I—yes! Yes, that was me. I’m a big fan. This is my friend who made the song, Kelly.”

Kelly holds out her hand. “So nice to meet you, I really appreciate you playing my song! The crowd seemed to like it.”

Kyle May takes her hand and shakes it. “My pleasure. I’m glad your friend—” he looks at me.

“Jayla!” I say, and instantly hate myself for how I said my name.

“Jayla, told me about it, it’s a great song.”

Kelly brings a hand to her chest. “Thank you so much, that means a lot!”

Kyle turns his attention back to me. “You’ve sent me a lot of good stuff. You have good taste.”

“Wow. Thank you.”

A woman walks up behind Kyle and taps him on the shoulder. He turns back to her, and they have an exchange that we can’t hear. He nods and turns back to us.

“Hey listen, I’ve gotta go, but I’m in the city until Monday morning. Jayla, maybe you can I could meet up tomorrow. I know a great listening bar we could go to.”

“I—I…” I literally don’t know what to say, but fortunately, the woman saves me again. She taps on his shoulder more urgently, and he obliges.

“I’ll DM you,” he says as he walks away. I stare as he disappears into the depths of backstage. Once he’s out of sight, Kelly starts jumping up and down.

“Oh my god! I knew he liked you. I told you he was into you! Are you gonna go? You have to go.”

“Kelly, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Ugh you’re right honestly. But damn, Kyle May asked you out! Like…isn’t that crazy?”

It was crazy…but it was also so cool. And I knew I wasn’t crazy. The way he looked at me…the way he smiled at me…the man did have an interest in me. And it was Kyle May. The king of blends, someone with such a good musical ear, and thought that I had good music taste. The things we would be able to talk about…were things that I could never talk about with Sam. He wasn’t as into R&B as I was. I loved music so much, and it was a big part of my relationship that was missing. Just another one of the things that put our compatibility into question. We couldn’t even go two days without arguing. If I was being honest with myself, my relationship wasn’t going in a positive direction. It was heading to ruin.

“You know what? I’m gonna go.”

Monday morning, I was sitting in my car on the phone with Kelly, wrapping up my debrief.

“Jayla, I can’t believe you hung out with the Kyle May. And you guys had a good time. This is crazy. We both bout to be famous girl!”

“Haha, yeah, I honestly can’t believe it either. It still seems unreal,” I say.

“Right. Well, I gotta go. Keep me posted though girl.”

“I will. Talk soon.”

We hang up, and I sit in silence for a minute. This was a rare moment when Kelly didn’t actually know what was going on with me. I’d had a great time with Kyle, it was true. It was amazing getting to talk to him about music, about his shows, his blends, his life as a DJ. But when I’d come home that night, Sam questioned me about where I was. But he knew where I was all along. He was borrowing my laptop since his was getting fixed, and had seen a single message from Kyle come across the screen: See u soon.

He’d gotten so upset that he kicked me out. I had to stay at my mom’s house that night, who fortunately didn’t live far.

I had spent a lot of last night crying in my car again, but not out of anger towards Sam. Anger towards myself. And sadness that I might have lost Sam forever.

And though I was scared out of my mind this wasn’t going to work, I had pulled up to our apartment, ready to try to win him back.

I opened the apartment door. Sam was there on the couch again, playing video games, again.

“Hey,” I said. He did not say anything back. He didn’t even look up from the TV. His expression remained stone solid. There was no use in holding back.

“Sam, I know I hurt you. I hate that I did what I did. We haven’t seen eye to eye lately, and it’s been driving me crazy. We haven’t been able to go two days without fighting. I thought that…I thought that we were losing our compatibility. I thought we were on the path to ruin, so I made an impulsive decision. But the truth is, Sam, I realized that we have such a strong foundation. We’ve been together for four years since the day you bought me flowers on that random day you saw me at the farmer’s market. You saw something in me then, and I think that too often, people end relationships because they lose sight of that something. But it’s still there. I see it in you, too. I see it through all the fog of all the shit you’ve done to piss me off, I see it through all our arguments, I see it through all the things I can’t stand about you. I made a stupid mistake by losing sight of it on Saturday night when I agreed to meet up with Kyle. But I’m here now, and I don’t want to go anywhere else. Please Sam. Please give me a second chance.”

Sam is silent, the only sounds coming from the clicks of his remote as he fights his way through his video game. As the silence grows, I feel it pushing us farther and farther apart. It pushes me into my own head, as I think about never seeing Sam again. My heart beats fast, my throat becomes tight and hot. Tears start to form in my eyes. I’ve done it. I’ve ruined us.

Then Sam sighs.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been the best partner to you, Jayla. The truth is, I lost sight of that something in you too, in those moments when we’ve argued. But I see it in you every day. There’s no one else in this world I’ve ever felt more drawn to. You make life the most fulfilling for me. Your love and your partnership, your proximity to me, is not something I’m okay not having.”

Sam stands up and holds out his arms. “I bet you Kyle May can’t give hugs like I can.”

I shake my head, and tears come tumbling down my cheeks. I run into Sam’s arms, and I hold him tight against me, inhaling the familiar scent of his body and his cologne, feeling the pressure of his chest on my head burst through the crushing feeling of doom that surrounded me.

“No, no one could ever give me a hug like this.”