Rebel Prince

Fantasy Funny Science Fiction

Written in response to: "Write about someone who has a superpower." as part of Two Hundred!.

 

 

I just didn’t get it.

 

Like, at all.

 

I mean, I tried to understand the thought process of everyone in Tyala—my father especially—but I always wound up in the same place:

 

100% confuzzled.

 

Okay? So sue me for not understanding why everything anybody ever wanted was to be plain and normal. To fit in.

 

I’m not going to do some big speech, or sing some big song like Belle in The Beauty and The Beast about how everybody is mediocre compared to me.

 

I can’t sing and I can’t judge. Because I’m just the same way.

 

I had no idea about the rest of the planet Ash, but everybody I knew had the same intentions: be normal. Fit it. ‘Unique’ and ‘special’ are insults because it means you are different. And different is bad. 

 

And I knew everybody. Everybody in the kingdom of Tyala—maybe 1,000 or so people. Why? Well, I was in line to be their king.

 

*****

 

I guess it’s time for me to introduce myself.

 

Well, hi. I’m 14 and my name is Jax Conner—or, as everybody else calls me, Prince Jax. My dad is King Astley and my mom is...dead.

 

If you want me to be really specific, then I live on the planet Ash, the continent South Hayling, and the town Tyala. I live in a castle with my dad, and yes, I’m miserable.

 

My dad is nice. The servants are nice. I have friends.

 

And yet everything is so…bland.

 

Here’s the dilemma: I’m different. Nobody really knows, because I’m different on the inside. I’m different because I want to be different.

 

Ever since I heard those warning stories about loose cannons, the ones you tell to your kids so they know to fit it, I’ve wanted to be a rebel. It sounds amazing, but I can’t be.

 

1, I’m the prince. I’m expected to be the most perfect of everybody: the most normal, the most plain, the person who fits in the most. So you can see how wanting to be a rebel wouldn’t go over well. I’d probably be banished like the rest of the different people, or even thrown in prison because everyone has higher expectations for me.

 

2, I’m Jax Conner. I mean that about who I am on the inside. All my life I’ve been pressured into being normal, so I admit, I’m gullible and timid and quiet and, yeah, normal. Besides the fact that I want to be different. So I don’t think I could mentally be a rebel, or even step out of the bounds a little. 

But I was willing to try.

 

*****

 

A long, long time ago, hundreds of years in the past, people had power. Real powers. Great powers. Really great powers.

 

Invisibly, flying, lightning, power over water—you name it, somebody had it. Life was different and new and exciting, because everybody had a unique ability that they grew accustomed to in day-to-day life.  

 

Everybody had powers hundreds of years ago.

 

That’s when the roots of a soon-to-be tree grew in people’s minds: roots of distrust. Roots of wanting to be normal. 

 

Most people had powers two hundred years ago.

 

The roots started to sprout, more and more, growing and growing and growing.

 

Some people had powers one hundred years ago.

 

The sprout began to flourish. Being different was bad, and powers were different. Powers were bad and so many people didn’t want them.

 

Hardly anybody had powers 70 years ago.

 

And soon, just a couple dozens years ago, nobody wanted powers. Nobody wanted to be different, to be unique. It was good to blend in and bad to stand out, that’s what I was always taught. 

 

Here’s the thing about powers—they naturally occur. You can’t keep one from being inside you. You can’t force a power into your body. Nope, you’re born with a power whether you like it or not.

 

Weeeeell…most people didn’t like it.

 

Lucky for them, powers were almost extinct. Around 1 in a hundred people had a superpower, although they weren’t ‘super’ anymore. Nobody straight out called superpowers awfulpowers, but it was implied. And in the kingdom of Tyala, it was like a word association: Chocolate=yummy. Rock=hard. Powers=BAD!

 

But there was still that 1 person in every group of 100.

 

That one person had to be stomped out, so they couldn’t have kids who may or may not inherit the power-genes. They were banished.

 

Once you turned 15, you were tested for powers in Lyon Hall. Scientists had developed an easy way to do it: the teenager would say “Do I have powers?” out loud and, if they did, their power would use itself.

 

Right. Another thing about powers: they’re kind of...well, alive makes it sound creepy, but it kind of is. Powers are you, but also a part of you. They don’t have thoughts but they have a voice. In their head, of course. They know what they are.

 

Most powers will obey the sentence.

 

But yeah, sometimes it doesn’t work.

 

Anyways, my birthday is on March 16th.

 

Which was tomorrow.

 

In less than 24 hours, I was going to see if I had super—yes, I said ‘super’—powers or bust.

 

And sue me again, but I was hoping I did.

 

*****

 

I gulped, even though I technically had nothing to be afraid of. I was the prince, in line for the throne. Everybody respected and even feared me a little.

 

Which I hated.

 

“I’m just like you!” I wanted to shout every time I saw somebody bow or tremble. “I’m a regular teenage boy! I can’t help it if my dad is the freakin’ KING! Please, don’t go!” Yeah, always ‘don’t go’. Because nobody wanted to be my friend.

 

It wasn’t normal to be close with royalty, go figure.

 

Okay, I might’ve lied a bit when I said I had friends earlier. Notice I said ‘a bit’—I have friends, just not… human friends.

 

Books. Books are my friends. I get lost in new worlds.

 

My keyboard is my friend, too. Writing is my bestie. When I write, I leave Ash and teleport into the story. Once there, I can create characters, design a world, and make anything I want happen. Everybody can be different. Everybody can be unique. Everybody can have superpowers!

 

But nope…I just had to live on Ash and not the planet in my books.

 

I tried to convince myself that gulping is ‘swallowing my fear’, and I matched into Lyon Hall.

 

The large room had a marble floor and a high wooden ceiling. There was no furniture minus a single armchair in the center of the room, occupied by an old looking man. Weathered skin stretched over his bones, he looked 70 but with a buttload of confidence. The man had all red clothes and glasses, plus a white beard. His eyes darted to my face.

 

“Scientist Ozai,” My voice trembled. I was totally freaking out.

 

“Prince Jax,” He said in a warm voice. A moment passed and I sighed with relief. He hadn’t bowed!

 

Then I realized the old man had literally gotten out of his chair and was kneeling on the floor. Before I could stop the scientist, Ozai was kissing my feet. 

 

“It’s okay,” I took a step back. “I’m not king or anything.”

 

Scientist Ozai got up and took my hands in his. “Son, are you ready to figure out if you have powers or not?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Then say it.”

 

“Do I have powers?” I hollered.

 

“Not so loud,” Ozai winced. We waited. Nothing happened. Ozai sighed with happiness and I sighed with disappointment. There was no way I could be a rebel without a power to boost me.

 

“Thank you for coming,” Scientist Ozai nodded. “I’m pleased to inform you that you have no powers. You’re normal, congratulations.”

 

“Thanks.” I had to keep my voice from dripping with sarcasm—that would be disrespectful to the famous scientist, after all—as I started walking towards the exit. My shoes clacked on the floor as I jumped out the door. 

 

It was a warm summer day and Lyon forest was nearby, so I kicked off my fancy black shoes, grabbed my worn sneakers I had placed by the door, and threw them on.

 

I raced off towards the woods.

 

*****

 

I hummed as I strode across a fallen log wedged between two hills. “This is rebellious,” I remarked as I peered at the 10 foot drop underneath the log, “right?”

 

I kept walking. Birds were singing and there was a warm breeze, and it was a beautiful fall evening. I started to follow a crystal-clear stream downhill.

 

It wound around the hills that made up the forest, hills covered in twigs and dirt and thousands of colorful leaves that crunched beneath my feet. 

 

Soon, the gurgling brook led me to another log stuck between the tips of two hills. Underneath the tree was the sobbing figure of a small girl curled into a ball.

 

“What’s the matter?” I asked as I edged near her. The girl looked like she was 7 or 8, with curly, chocolate brown hair, cowboy boots, skinny jeans and a blue V-neck. 

 

“I—” she started to say.

 

She never finished because at that moment, the end of the log cracked and chipped away. The dead tree that used to be balanced over our heads started to…fall down?!

 

As a matter of instinct, I thrust my hand up in hopes to soften the blow.

 

It didn’t work—because the blow never happened.

 

My heart was beating so hard I was afraid it was going to pop out of my chest as I waited 1 second, 2 seconds, 3 seconds. I felt no log crushing my vital organs (maybe a bit of a stretch, but still: the log was solid and HUGE!)—but I didn’t feel any log crushing my hand, either.

 

I glanced up and saw…. 

 

Well, let’s just say that the superpower testing method had failed in my case.

 

The huge log was hovering over my outstretched fingertips. Yeah, hovering. This giant, couple-hundred-pound tree was levitating over my hand.

 

Also my head.

 

I yelped and channeled my energy into floating the log away from me and the girl. The dead tree hit the ground 5 feet away from me with a thud.

 

I stared at the tree.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

I stared at the girl. “Pinch me.”

 

She did. Hard. I didn’t wake up because this wasn’t a dream. I had a power—one of the rarer ones, too. Telekinesis was amazing and would be super-useful…if I could use it.

 

“Are you okay?” She repeated.

 

“Not after that,” I glared at her as I rubbed my bicep. Ow.

 

We waited in an awkward silence as I went back and forth from staring at my hands and staring at the log. Finally, the girl sighed, got up, and dusted herself off. She offered a hand to me. “Thanks for saving my life, Looky.”

 

“Looky?” I squinted as I got up. Was that some sort of cheesy nickname?

 

“Well, yeah. You’re looking at everything like having a power is crazy.”

 

“That’s rude,” I glared. “And it IS crazy! I’m super happy, though,” I added. “Powers will be great.”

 

“First, how is having powers crazy? Second… I guess that was rude. But that’s not bonkers or anything.”

 

I glanced at her curiously. “You’re not from here, are you?”

 

“No.” She looked down at her feet and kicked a pebble. We started walking through the woods. “Why?”

 

“No reason,” I said—even though I most definitely had a reason. “Why were you crying, anyway?” Even though I was dying to try my power out some more, it was my duty to make sure the used-to-be-sobbing 8-year-old who just had a brush with death was fine mentally, too.

 

“Ugh, do I have to tell you?”

 

“Yep.”

 

“Fine. I was crying because I just got here. I don’t know anybody and it sucks. This is a strange kingdom, by the way. I haven’t seen one power used—odd. Powers are awesome and you should USE them, weirdos!”

 

“Wait,” I said. The girl stopped and looked at me. “No, I mean, keep walking but…hold up. You’re not from around here.”

 

“Yeah. I’ve already said that.”

 

“And…you think having powers is awesome.”

 

“Uh-huh.”

 

“Lastly… you don’t know anybody.”

 

“Are you deaf?”

 

“Nope,” I laughed. “I’m Jax, by the way.” 

 

“I’m Arava.”

 

I grinned. Arava was literally the first person to not say, “Prince Jax?” after meeting me. It felt amazing to be with somebody who didn’t know my title and didn’t know my kingdom’s unspoken rule: Normal is good and powers are bad.

 

“So…do you have powers?” I shrugged.

 

Arava flipped her hair and smiled at me. “Duh. Invisibility.”

 

“Cool,” I said, trying to keep my cool. Even though my brain was screaming YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY! SHE HAS POOOOOWERS AND THINKS POWERS ARE GOOD! WHOOOP! like a, well, madman. Madbrain? Madbrain.

 

Then I realized something: we were walking out of the forest.

 

And people in the actual town of Tyala hated differences. Hated powers. Hated people who had powers and were different.

 

Then I realize something else: I had powers which, at this point in time, meant that I almost certainly had a parent with powers. My dead mother, the one person who understood me, definitely didn’t. She always wished for a power but never got one—I would swear on my life that she didn’t because Mom told me everything.

 

So…my dad had powers.

 

King Astley of Normalland had what?

 

Powers, I repeated to myself. Dad has powers.

 

And yet he was king. Nobody knew he had superpowers and he wasn’t banished—certainly not killed—for it. Which meant that my powers could never be a problem in Tyala. I could still be a normal king, ruling a normal kingdom.

 

I knew I was supposed to pick that option.

 

But I didn’t want to.

 

I had freakin’ superpowers. I had a young friend who didn’t know my title but did know that powers were good. Best yet? Arava was a rebel.

 

I had a teacher and a subject.

 

I grinned to myself as Arava and I walked into Tyala.

 

Jax Conner was learning to fight back.

Posted Jul 21, 2020
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189 likes 216 comments

Sunny 🌼
July 27, 2020 02:54

This was a cool story. I liked it. It was entertaining and Jax is a surprisingly fun author. If you don't mind could you check out my story "Disaster Child"? Thanks!(Also was Scientist Ozai a nod to Avatar the last Airbender because if so we can be best friends).

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July 27, 2020 10:43

Thanks!

Haha, yep! I love Avatar and just had to use a name.

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Sunny 🌼
July 27, 2020 14:24

Lol awesome. I just finished the show and loved it!

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July 27, 2020 16:44

Yeah!

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Doubra Akika
July 26, 2020 22:44

This story was really well written. I think though that you shouldn’t introduce the main character. I think the reader should find out about it as they read on. It may make it more interesting. I don’t really know. Just my opinion.
I really did enjoy reading it though. Very nice job.

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July 26, 2020 23:13

Thank youuu!

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Doubra Akika
July 27, 2020 00:47

Sure😁

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Lynn Penny
July 26, 2020 21:56

This was a great piece! I enjoyed reading it. :)

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July 26, 2020 21:57

Thank you!

(P. S. ‘A Poem By A Star’ is kind of like part 2 of this, if you want to read it!)

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Corey Melin
July 26, 2020 21:43

Very well done on the story. Flowed well as you read to find out the results of this beautiful tale. It makes me think that instead of uplifting people society likes to squash ones hopes. Superb!

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July 26, 2020 21:45

Thank you, Corey!!! I was grinning as I read this! 😁😁😁

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Tori Routsong
July 26, 2020 03:09

I can totally feel the energy you put into writing this! Nice work!

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July 26, 2020 21:29

Thank you, Tori!

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Grace M'mbone
July 24, 2020 18:46

I loved your story Aerin. It kept me engaged as a reader. It's like the writer is conversing with me. The creativity is quite unique. Wow Aerin. This was brilliant.

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July 24, 2020 19:14

Thank you!!! This means so much to me!

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Sarah .
July 22, 2020 14:27

Hi! I commented on the wrong one but I’ll do this too cuz why not. The story here is actually very good! Jax is a really relatable character, yet he’s unique in his own way. Uniquely unique. The moral is a really good life lesson. It’s definitely more than okay to be different, because you’re you, not your parents or siblings or friends. You choose your own path. If you want to get superpowers, go and get some superpowers! This is a wonderful story of finding your element.

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July 25, 2020 20:40

Thank youuu!

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Jubilee Forbess
July 22, 2020 01:13

Hi, I really love your writing but it’s not a great idea to put your age in your bio. This contest is technically for ages eighteen and up and I’d hate for you and your friend to get kicked off so I’d change it for privacy and rule reasons.

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July 22, 2020 01:16

Hi—

Thanks for the concern, but it’s okay. There are lots of writers on Reedsy Prompts who are 17, 16, and younger, and it’s fine—as a 17-year-old explained, the age is mainly for the reward. We’re pretty much allowed to post stories of we’re fine with not getting $50 if we win, and I’m just posting stories for fun (like most other younger writers). Thank you!

—Aerin

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July 22, 2020 01:38

Welp, I changed it

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Jubilee Forbess
July 22, 2020 03:06

Thank you, Aerin!

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October 08, 2020 01:47

Ha! This is a perfect example of—wait, no, nothing. Can’t say yet.

Anyways, this comment thread was back when I didn’t know everybody. This was, what, my second day on Reedsy? I was kinda annoyed with you and thought you were some helicopter mom. Aaaaaaaand now I’m like

NOPE! RHONDA IS NICE GIRL WHO IS *INSERTOURAGE*!

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Jubilee Forbess
October 08, 2020 02:08

I feel like I warranted annoyance but telling people to change their ages is quite literally one of the best ways I've made friends on Reedsy :D
love,
helicopter mum rhonny

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נιмму 🤎
July 26, 2020 06:18

bro i am also under the age of eighteen shhh

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July 26, 2020 10:15

Haha

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Anjali Malik
July 22, 2020 01:06

Loved this story dear and I am amazed that you are too young and you write so well.
Keep writing and I really wish that in future you become a famous writer.

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July 22, 2020 01:08

Thank you!!!

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TJ Squared
July 07, 2021 00:45

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
nice first story (maybe not, but still, twas good)!
I've always liked the idea of rebels...huh XD
But I also liked the concept that they thought different was bad, I mean, it's just an interesting idea, and something you don't see much (I...never mind, just gonna step out of that boat...).
For some strange reason (that only I know), I'm kinda obsessing over the name of this kingdom, Tyala. T Y A L A . tYaLa. TyAlA. TYALA.
T
Y
A
L
A
.
Sorry I'll stop now XDD

I don't have much for you critique wise, it's like this story doesn't need anything lol
Love it, grrrrrrrrreat job :D

(not gonna click that link XDDDD)

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July 07, 2021 01:09

oooooooooooo omg a comment on here wow :0
First of, excuse me, *hides in humiliation*
I HATE THIS STORY AHH
11-YEAR-OLD AERIN WHAT WERE YOU THINKINGGGGG
ngl I like this concept but the plot meanders so much and there’s not a ton of action. Might do a rewrite some time in the future. Anywho, let’s see what you have to say lol…

Aw, thank you! <33 HAHAHA THANK YOU IT TOOK ME FOREVER TO COME UP WITH and also it was based off the name “Tyler” cuz idk I felt like it XD

tyyyy lolz
Ackkkkkk means a lot you were so positive bout such an old story hehe <333

YEAAAAAAAA a while ago I did an opposite-scavenger hunt with my pfp and name and such and this was one of the final clues, I managed to rickroll about a hundred people muahahahah

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TJ Squared
July 07, 2021 01:14

XDDD
*you may be excused, we've all been there XDD*
lol, I think it turned out great though :D
I just like T names in general (wonder why...XD)
ofc, spread positivity whenever you can ;D

XDD I think I might have been a part of that at one point or another cause it sounds familiar lol

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July 07, 2021 01:15

<333
yeshhh

oof nice XDD

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TJ Squared
July 07, 2021 01:18

lol

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February 07, 2021 08:51

You are crazy. But it was hilarious.

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February 07, 2021 14:48

Haha, shank you XD

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February 07, 2021 14:49

Haha, shank you XD

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Sia S
February 07, 2021 06:07

How did you change the name?!

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The Cold Ice
December 29, 2020 06:10

The quiz answer

1.answer.needle
2.answer.carrot
3.answer.equal weight.

This is a nice riddle but it was easy, Keep keeping. Loved the riddle. Keep going and tell me the correct answer when the answer is wrong.

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The Cold Ice
September 05, 2020 07:14

Congratulations Aerin for going to first place.Great job.

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September 05, 2020 11:27

Thanks!

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August 09, 2020 17:49

I loved this story and the way the main character sometimes uses their own grammar sometimes (LOL). Sha the story was really nice and if it was a telenovela I would be obsessed with it. Great story!

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August 09, 2020 18:57

Thanks so much!

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August 09, 2020 20:11

You are welcome😚:-*

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August 04, 2020 16:04

I love this, the informal tone made it extremely relatable. The story was very interesting and I would love to hear more!

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August 04, 2020 16:11

Aw, thanks! 😊😊😊

Actually, ‘A Poem By A Star (No, Literally)’ and ‘Jax Off Ash (Part 1)’ also use Jax Conner, if you want to read them!

😁😁😁

~A

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Joan Kearney
August 03, 2020 22:43

I like the way this story is written with pauses like that. I'll have to try that sometime. Great story, well written.

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August 03, 2020 22:47

Thanks so much! 😁

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August 02, 2020 05:21

I'm an old fashioned writer who calls a spade a spade. I expect a story with characters who interact. The story only says Jax held up a tree branch which could have killed him and Aruva. You have introduced scientist Ozal. What is the purpose? Some accomplishment other than holding up the branch would have satisfied the normal reader. Why call Jax a rebel? Please don't be discouraged by these comments. You have talent and could write something more interesting. Best wishes..

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August 02, 2020 12:43

Thanks!

Jax ISN’T a rebel. At all. But he WANTS to be one, hence the title.

Thanks again for the feedback!

~A

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Charles Stucker
July 31, 2020 14:57

OK. So I started your advertised Jax series. But if you tell anybody, the silence will be broken.

It's good. Leaning toward great.

Some little points - "Belle in The Beauty and The Beast" - unless they changed the song in the live action from 2017, it would be "Belle in Beauty and the Beast."

"There was no furniture minus a single armchair in the center of the room, occupied by an old looking man." I would say "except for a single armchair."

If one in a hundred has powers, then every few years someone would come to the room, state, "I have powers" and they would demonstrate their power. Where are the guards to help the aging scientist deal with a young person who has powers?

I didn't get any feel for the technology, all I see reference to is a keyboard. And sneakers (which imply vulcanized rubber, but so does a keyboard for composing books instead of music) I feel like this is set in a science fiction future, on a different planet, but...
You never specify.

The voice of a spoiled, rebellious teenager seems very authentic. It's a strong point for the story. Breaking things up also evokes the image of a teen, flitting from one thing/thought to the next. And you have plenty of both emotional turbulence/stress and a good inciting moment for the overall tale- when he discovers he does in fact have powers.

The only serious edit you might think of (if you rewrite somewhere else) is moving the line "Ever since I heard those warning stories about loose cannons, the ones you tell to your kids so they know to fit it, I’ve wanted to be a rebel. It sounds amazing, but I can’t be." to the start. Then replacing it where it is with, "But I can't be different or a rebel because of two things."

Don't sweat technical details (like the technology/science)- this is a YA tale, and it doesn't need to make too much sense.

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July 31, 2020 15:30

Wow, thanks so much for all this feedback!

Haha. I love how you weave the answer to the riddle in your comments. Yep!

Right. Yes. That’s what I meant. I was referring to the movie, so I said THE, but I know realize I don’t need to add ‘the’. Or I could do ‘in the Beauty and The Beast movie’. Thanks!

Yep, that would definitely work better! 😁😁😁

Yeah. Again, Jax lives on the planet Ash. Tyala is both similar and different than our life—they have most of the same technology, like phones and stuff (even though they aren’t mentioned), and they’re just as advanced as Earth, but they’re set up is a bit different. I imagine Tyala as kind of an old timely town, without big modern houses.

Good point. Although the room is for TESTING, not taken away. If somebody has powers, THEN guards come in. But they’re very rare, so guards don’t need to be there all the time. Besides, they’re testing KIDS, and they’re powers aren’t ideal for hurting people, so the other use for guards isn’t exactly needed. Basically, yeah, there’s just Scientist Ozai, but on the rare occasion there IS powers, he can easily call guards to take the un-dangerous kid away.

Thanks so much! I’m glad Jax’s voice is pretty accurate.

That’s a good idea! I don’t think I’ll ever rewrite this, but if I do, I’ll definitely think back to this.

Again, thanks so much to reading and commenting on this story! 😁😁😁

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Zan Lexus
July 31, 2020 14:33

Great voice and good flow in this story. It is creative and well written.

Just one criticism: I think there needs to be a stronger reason why the people of Tyala are afraid of powers and want conformity. Maybe a lot of people misused their powers. Maybe there was violence and division in the community, and they only achieved peace by discouraging differences and becoming a homogenous society. Could be that one of Jax's ancestors discouraged powers and differences and finally created peace, and that is why his family is royalty, now. Just some ideas. ^_^

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July 31, 2020 14:41

Thanks so much!

Yeah. There’s not really a literal reason why the people worship similarity—they just DO. Some person decided different was bad, and since humans are lemmings, people slowly started to agree. Even though it was awful. It’s one of the reasons that the unspoken rule is so ridiculous—there’s no reason, even!

Thanks again! 😄😄

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Zilla Babbitt
July 31, 2020 16:04

Fear is also very persuasive. Fear of others, of others' strength, for themselves and their families, of others' gods if they seem more "powerful." Fear divides. I wouldn't say people decided "different was bad" just that people begin to fear others for various reasons and this divides us.

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July 31, 2020 16:05

Great point, Zilla!

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Ay Jay
July 29, 2020 18:46

This was really interesting! I loved the creative names and Jax’s thoughts throughout the story; they added humor and made the story more relatable. I think Arava’s youth was a bit ignored. She sounded a bit mature, more like thirteen upwards. But other than that, I’d love to read this if it was turned into a teen series!! Well done and keep writing! :)

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July 29, 2020 19:04

Thanks!

Yeah, I thought people would wonder about Arava’s age. In my opinion, at least, she had the right attitude for her age—sorry if you don’t feel that way! I actually have a sister around Arava’s age, so...yeah. And while some 8-year-olds definitely don’t talk like that, there are always more mature and less mature people, right?

Thanks again for reading and commented! 🤗🤗🤗🤗

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Amber Shepherd
July 29, 2020 11:47

I really love the voice you write in - it's really fun and compelling. Great job Aerin, keep it up! :)

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July 29, 2020 11:47

Thanks so much!

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Hamadryad 77
July 29, 2020 03:22

A fun read, cute story. Particular parts I liked were:

-Chocolate=yummy. Rock=hard. Powers=BAD!-

-Then I realized the old man had literally gotten out of his chair and was kneeling on the floor. Before I could stop the scientist, Ozai was kissing my feet.-

-“Do I have powers?” I hollered.
“Not so loud,” Ozai winced.-

-“This is rebellious,” I remarked as I peered at the 10 foot drop underneath the log, “right?”-

-...like a, well, madman. Madbrain? Madbrain.-

If you are open to criticism...

I think it would have been better if you didn't mention about being normal/different so much, it became repetitious.

A particular part I noticed in relation to the repetition: When you write, "...whether you like it or not. Weeeel, most people didn't like it," that line right there would have this great punch to it if it were the first time you revealed the people's negative feelings, but since you'd already said it many times it fell flat.

Then when Jax says he is upset by people treating him different as a prince, I thought 'this is odd' since he wants to be different. He should have specified, 'This is NOT how I want to be different'.

And lastly, there's the line: I tried to convince myself that gulping is ‘swallowing my fear’... I really like this line, it's clever. But it seemed strange to me how he hopes a moment ago to have powers, and then is scared to have them, and then is mad after when he seemingly doesn't possess any.

You have solid writing though!
Keep writing >-< and enjoy yourself.

Reply

July 29, 2020 11:25

Thank you so much for the long and detailed feedback!

Yep, I’ve realized how many times it's mentioned. Sadly, I’m not allowed to edit my story anymore, since the contest ended. Still, thank you!

Right. About that line. See, he WANTS to have powers, so he was nervous about if he DIDN’T have any. While most of Tyala’s kids are also probably nervous, Jax IS nervous but for a different reason. Maybe I should’ve specified that a little more.

Thanks again for reading and responded!

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Hamadryad 77
July 29, 2020 18:39

Oh, yes, of course. It was to help you for later stories. (I wish I could change some things in my stories too ><)

I see, that makes sense. It would have been good if it was more specific because I presumed he was nervous he was going to be exiled or something.

You're welcome, sorry if my comment was too long-winded!

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SIMON Prathap
July 28, 2020 07:09

Feels like I watched a comic story, amazingly written. Loved the way the characters introduced, and the capturing the disappointments with words and totally a Great Job Done.... happy writing.. :)

Reply

July 28, 2020 10:02

Thank you!

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Nayab Ahmar
July 27, 2020 19:48

Loved the story!!
I think you have a talent for creating lovable characters, as I loved Jax and Arava a lot :)
The world-building was wonderful as well!
Keep writing, you're doing great!

Reply

July 27, 2020 19:48

Thank you so much!!!

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Nayab Ahmar
July 27, 2020 19:51

Ur welcome, Aerin :)
If you wouldn't mind, could you check out my other stories and lemme know what you think? Thanks :)

Reply

July 27, 2020 21:51

Sure!

Reply

Nayab Ahmar
July 27, 2020 22:09

Thanks :)

Reply

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