“Tick, Tick, Tick”

*Contains themes of suicide and mental health*

“TICK”

“TICK”

“TICK”

The sound rang out in a skull-splitting manner, it was the kind of sound that echoed back and forth between your ears until it overcame you in a way that even an unhealthy dose of ibuprofen couldn’t quite sort out. “Maybe I’ll get lucky and my head will explode” Matt thought to himself, the gruesome image played in his head giving him a sort of gross pleasure he wasn’t very proud of. However it wasn’t the loud ticking that bothered Matthew anymore. Despite its grating nature he much preferred it over the nighttime (and as of recent, daytime) visits from “the shadow-men” as he coined them. The thought of those creatures, the rancid smell it brought with, the helplessness, the loneliness, it all filled Matt with a sense of dread, a dread that strangled his desires, strangled the world around him, and would some day strangle him.

As the unwelcome thoughts of those things fizzled away, Matt began to make out the noises of the weekly limbo competition starting in the center point of his local skating rink.

“OH, OH, OH… IT’S TIME FOOOOORRRR…LIMBOOOOOOOOO”

The toon rang out in his head the same way it had since the first time he came down to the rink with his parents years ago, only this time it worked together with that awful ticking noise to create some sick melody, a melody much like a human, a melody that could see, could watch, could understand. Whatever any of that actually meant.

“Matt?”

Given her pleading tone it couldn’t have been the first time Sarah had said his name.

“Dude are you alright? you look pale.”

Marcus followed up with the same worry, a worry they must’ve been obligated to by a secret contract they signed when becoming Matt’s best friends so long ago, or at least that’s what it seemed to Matt.

“I was just caught up daydreaming”, Matt finally answered with a tired remark, dreaming was a light term he thought to himself “Day-night maring” fit a little more, but he guessed that way of saying things didn’t make all that much sense.

“You know I may just head home.”

Matt had said this line all too often lately and knew the responses that would follow. “You're always at home”, "Dude what’s up with you?” He muttered the remarks in his head before they ever came.

“C’mon man we only have so long before we’re all off to college you know” Marcus exclaimed so easily, as if there was nothing wrong with the fact. But he didn’t realize that was the problem, Matt thought, there wasn’t time to go hang out, there wasn’t time to go have fun, there wasn’t time to waste so much time. College is coming, decisions are coming, life is coming. They- those things- they’re coming, but no one else understands.

“Dude?” Marcus continued

Matt looked back up at the two of them, somehow his eyes made it back down to his feet.

“Matt…”

Sarah’s voice was laced with a sadness that she was sure she wasn’t the only one feeling.

“How about next weekend, I just need to finish up a few more scholarship applications and then my summer is wide open.”, Matthew intertwined the request with synthetic confidence so strong that he felt he might have to look a little further into being an actor, although he wasn’t sure just how many scholarships were still open for application in the midst of July, or if he had used this excuse once or twice already. Still he kept that confident facade about him.

—

“TICK”

“TICK”

“TICK”

The water hammered against Matt’s head in a dull and (as he thought) empathetic way. One that, although meant to diminish, seemed to amplify the ticking of that dreadful clock.

“Oh oh oh….”

“It’s time fooooooorrrrr”

“LIMBOOOOO-“

“CRACK!”

Matt looked around anxiously, although the anxiety didn’t break the dull look on his face (it had been months since the last time it did)

“The lights must’ve gone out” Matt thought to himself monotonously. He finally brought his forehead off of his knees and observed the world around him. Matthew was sitting on the floor of his family shower, curled up like a caterpillar, same as he did every night, the only difference being it was dark this time. Truthfully Matt had finished showering nearly half an hour ago but for some reason, night after night, getting up off of that floor felt like it took the same effort it might take someone to climb Mount Everest… everything felt that way.

In the end Matthew fell yet again to the effort required to get up, dry off, and find the breaker box. Instead he sat there, head in his knees, while Marcus’s remark played over in his head, on repeat, as if it were a song he couldn’t get enough of.

“C’mon man we only have so long before we’re all off to college you know”

Matt felt a pang of guilt rush through his body.

“They must hate me”

“Why didn’t I hang out with them”

“Why do I keep hiding away”

“What’s wrong with me”

Matt ran through the thoughts for what felt like years, questioning himself with a tone of venom, as if he were some disease, some problem, some weight on the shoulders of others, a waste.

“They must hate me”

“Why didn’t I hang out with them”

“Why do I keep hiding away”

“What’s wrong with you-“

The change in verbiage ripped Matt out of his own mind. Dread filled him, the inescapable type, the nauseating type.

Matthew felt the shower get frigid, the water had begun to sear his skin it was so cold, and the breathy whisper came creeping into his right ear, making every hair on his body stand up.

“They hate you”

It was them, he knew it, he could feel it

“Why do you avoid them”

Matthew had no answer

“What’s wrong with you”

Matt started to dry heave as the last vowel rang out, his throat was starting to close.

“N- NO!”

“STOP!”

“STOP IT—

“CRACK”

The lights came back on, and in the same moment Matthew had plastered the shower floor with vomit.

“TICK”

“TICK”

“TICK”

He could feel it, the clock was dwindling.

—

“BANG, BANG, BANG”

Matthew’s eyes darted off the tv towards the door in the living room.

“Hey stupid, it’s me”

Sarah’s voice rang through the house in a tone so recognizable it almost pulled a laugh out of Matt (if he was still capable of making a noise as jarring as that)

“We’re not open” he yelled back while he made his way to the door and unlocked it.

“Your lucky I didn’t bust through the window” Sarah said through a toothy smile. Matt couldn’t imagine the hell his parents would put him through if Sarah had busted a hole through their living room window, but if there was anyone that could get away with it, it had to be Sarah.

Matt saw the milkshakes in her hands, accompanied by what looked to be a new horror movie by the name of “Gone.”

“What’s all this?” He quizzed her, knowing she wasn’t a fan of horror movies.

“Well you seem down lately” she was setting the shakes on the coffee table and making her way towards the DVD player.

“How so?” Matt shot back.

“I guess you could call it a best friend's sixth sense,” she said with a warm smile as she sat down on the sofa.

Matt didn’t answer her, but plopped down right next to her on the sofa avoiding eye contact.

“Hey seriously Matt… what’s going on, your not the same”

“TICK”

“TICK”

“TICK”

Matt’s own reality hit him like a feed truck, in that moment even he was realizing for the first time in the last few minutes what he was doing before Sarah showed up, why he had been posted in front of the tv for the last 4 and a half hours, pretending his life was someone else’s.

His eyes found their way back to his feet, as they always seemed to do lately.

“You’ve been worrying her”

“You’re hurting her”

“Matt?”

Matthew raised his head to look at Sarah, making his way back into reality, her eyes were glossy.

“Sarah, I—“

He thought for a moment…

“Maybe I should tell her”

“Maybe she can help”

“Maybe—

There they were.

In the corner of his eye Matt saw them.

They sat, they watched, they heard… then they spoke up.

“Tell her”

“Cmon Matt”

“Tell her”

“I’ve been hearing this imaginary clock and I feel like if it ever stops, it means my life will end and I can’t help but worry about it!”

They said it in a shrill, mocking voice, one filled to the brim with sarcasm.

“HAHAHAHAHAHA”

They all laughed at the prospect of telling Sarah

“Go ahead, make her life harder”

His throat was closing again. “Sarah!” Matt said her name quite a bit louder than they had been talking before as he sprung forward and engulfed her in a desperate hug.

“I’m okay Sarah, I promise, quit worrying about me” Matt brought back that confident facade, the one he knew Sarah didn’t trust.

“I don’t believe you”

She looked defeated.

“I don’t care if it’s stupid you know, I just want you to tell me”

The words cut through Matt like a fillet knife.

“Sarah I promise…”

She paused—

“Let’s watch the movie Matt, you’ll have to stay close, I don’t like scary stuff”

Matt pressed play and sat a little closer to Sarah than he felt a friend would sit, then he found the floor again, just like always.

“TICK”

“TICK”

“TICK”

—

Yet again Matt found himself staring at the ceiling above, as if asking for empathy. “I almost told her” he repeated as if chanting it.

But it was better that way wasn’t it, it was better to leave her out of this. Sarah didn’t deserve the weight, she didn’t deserve the worry. It wasn’t her clock after all. She wasn’t the one hearing things.

Matthew felt the anger in his own thoughts. “That’s what I am… a scizo” only a scizo could feel these feelings he thought. Only a scizo has a life clock banging around in his eardrums, Only a scizo thinks some shadow men are gonna kill him, Only a damn scizo could feel so alone when sitting right next to his best friend.

Matt found himself sitting up, fingernails digging into his own thighs, and across from him was a shadow. But it was… it was him. Matt looked at the figure, confused. It looked back in the same manner.

“Your doing the right thing keeping it to yourself”

“You’d only scare her away”

“She has problems of her own”

“She’ll be better off without you making her worry”

…

“She’ll be better off without you”

Matt began to cry.

The shadow never stopped staring.

“TICK”

“TICK”

“TICK”

—

“OH, OH, OH… IT’S TIME FOOOOORRRR…LIMBOOOOOOOOO”

“This pizza is so greasy dude I think I’m gonna throw up if I skate anymore!” Marcus’s voice boomed over the limbo announcer, just like it always did.

“Maybe it’s because you ate 6 slices stupid” Sarah retorted in a matter of fact tone. (Marcus wasn’t even paying attention anymore and looked to be starting on slice number 7)

Matt was simply observing, limbo looked stupid, the pizza looked rancid, the rink seemed to have this stench around it lately, one that always pushed him away. When he came back to Marcus he noticed they were making eye contact.

“Dude have you even eaten today?” Marcus interrogated. Matt only responded with the shrug of his shoulders.

Matthew was surprised to see Marcus with such a worried look on his face, usually he’s engulfed in whatever food or girl is in front of him. But lately he was worried, he almost looked to be in pain when Matt was around (at least that’s how Matt seen it)

“Dude, will you tell me what the heck is up” Marcus sounded angry.

“I know I’m not usually the feelings guy okay, I know I’m supposed to be the stupid one, but man I miss my bro.” Marcus was starting to tear up “I know something’s wrong, you haven’t been answering my calls, this is the first time you’ve been to the rink since July dude… it’s snowing outside” he said it like it was the punch line of some messed up joke.

Matt found himself looking at an ant on the floor, carrying away a small piece of crust.

“You’ve been hurting him for so long”

“He deserves a better friend”

“MAN IF YOU DONT WANNA BE FRIENDS OR SOMETHING JUST SAY THAT” Marcus exploded, like an atom bomb his words had blown a crater where Matt had thought his heart was .even the ticking in Matt’s ear had kneeled to the booming sound of Marcus’s voice as he stormed off.

But he was doing right wasn’t he, he was just protecting Marcus, he was helping.

“Why did he blow up?”

“Why doesn’t he understand that I’m keeping him safe”

“Why—

“Marcus”

Matthew drowned in his thoughts for what felt like years before he stared across the rink, searching for something to stop the tears from rolling down his face.

And there they were, skating through the crowds of people.

“He doesn’t understand”

“Let him hate you”

“It’s better than hurting him”

Matthew felt Sarah’s hand reach for his.

He pulled away.

“TICK”

“TICK”

“TICK”

—

“You haven’t even touched your plate hunny”

Matt’s mom pleaded with her son.

“What’s going on?” She continued

“I’m okay mom… I promise”

They spoke for him this time

Matt hugged his Mom, out of a want to comfort her.

Part of him wished the hug could comfort him too…

“TICK”

“TICK”

“TICK”

—

“Guys I’m okay I promise”

“TICK”

“They’re better off without you”

“TICK”

“You don’t have to worry”

“TICK”

“You don’t even hang out with them, you just worry them”

“TICK”

“I’m Sorry”

“TICK”

“They’re better off without me”

“TICKTICKTICK”

“ “

“ “

“ “

—

“Click”

Matt locked the door behind him, hoping no one would ever pry at its contents.

“They were all there, the room was filled to the brim with the— with us” Matthew thought.

“We care”

“We will love you”

“You don’t have to make them worry”

“You don’t have to wait on the clock”

Matt could hear their cries, he could feel their words.

The warmth and comfort Matt had felt matched a feeling he hadn’t known in months, maybe years.

His time wasn’t running out anymore, the clock wasn’t ticking. He could decide, and the freedom of that decision made him want to cry tears of joy.

“There it is,” Matt thought…

“That’s your podium”

“You’ve won”

Matt stepped onto the podium, filled with comfort, filled with desire.

“Join us”

He looked around, staring at all those disgusting creatures, smelling their stench, filling himself with the comforting despair that they held.

“I’m free” Matthew muttered

Matt stepped off of his podium, and with that, his clock reached zero…

“HAHAHAHHAHA”

“HAHAHAHAHA”

—