Never Been Kissed

What is it to have been kissed?

I have never been kissed

And I never knew why.

But I am now saving it

For later on in life

I hear it is all in the eyes.

Don't look in their eyes, I hear.

I don't have any eyes to look into.

Which is cool.

I know that there is someone that wants to kiss me

But they can't right now.

I really need to save, but this is a matter that drives me insane.

All kissing does is complicate matters, such as friendships and other things that are important to you.

I want to be kissed, but I won't do it.

These are the words I write as I look at my friend David. He is my co-teacher and friend. We have been friends for this school year, and he seems to be a messy London boy who has come to teach internationally in my small country of Antigua. "Lisa, you should come to my party," he says as we talk during nap time. This snaps me out of my inner thought cannon. Most of the kids are asleep and we always try to talk about life. I'm 19 but have a very strict Dad that does not want me to make any mistakes with my life, and so has sheltered me. I love my dad, but he needs to lighten up on his control. "I can't," I say. "Lis, I have not told you where it is or when. How do you know you can't come, you cheeky girl? "I turn away, not wanting him to see my face. "What's wrong?" he says. "Nothing. I just know I can't come, but I want to come." Dave wrinkles his face and answers, "Lisa, you are an adult, and you can do whatever you want to do, right?" I shake my head yes. "Then it's settled, dear. You are coming to my party next week; it's at my house. I'll send you the details. Alright, love?" I sigh and just shake my head, yes, not knowing what ot do with the fact that he called me "love" (he calls the kids that all the time), and how do I get out of the house to go to this party?

The week continues to progress smoothly. David and I are in the normal flow of class, which includes changing diapers and teaching the alphabet song to our shared 2-year-old class. He's been doing well; I've been struggling. I was extremely nervous and frantic. I took this job right out of high school to help pay for college, and I was thrilled to be working with such a cute guy. He was tall and had dark hair that he always curled. I'd like to tangle those curls someday. He had just graduated from college, or "uni," as he called it. As he explains in his last teaching course, the teacher posted job openings, and my school came up as a need for a teacher, so he applied and got the job. His only request was to have a native as his assistant. I'm not sure who thought a native 19-year-old assistant and a newly appointed 24-year-old head teacher made an excellent combination, but they did until this week. Dave and I were a natural fit; we had fun with the kids, the parents adored us, and the class thrived. David taught me something new every week. In exchange, I would teach David some local slang and how to sound more like a native. This was an excellent arrangement that I thoroughly enjoyed.

It was the day of the party, and I had no idea how I was going to get there, despite the fact that it was literally just up the street from my house. My dad was sitting in his favorite spot, watching baseball—or so I thought—when I approached him dressed in blue jeans and a pink top. "Hey, dad, a friend is throwing a party right up the road." Can I go?" He looked at me briefly before returning his attention to his game. I was about to turn away when he said, "Liz"—a nickname he gives me because I'm named after my grandmother (Elizabeth)—"You are an adult, and I trust you; if you want to leave, you can just be home by midnight." I was so in shock; it happened before I knew it. I threw my arms around his neck and kissed him, saying, "Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!" My father is stunned; he looks at me and says, "I love you, too! Have fun and live your life."

When I arrive at the party, I discover that it is not my scene. I come across Jules (as we call her) and Monica, two girls who work at the school. They're both surprised to see me because I don't usually attend parties. I try to make small talk and say, "Hey Jules, how are you? "This is a lovely little party. Jules responds with a tight smile, "Yeah, everything is fine, mate." Did not expect to see you here. I've heard you're a hermit or something; you never go anywhere. My face warms up, and I begin to fidget with my hands. Monica, sensing my discomfort, adds, "I knew she would come. She is very close to David and would not let him down. She smiles as Jules, and the tension is thick and uncomfortable for a moment. Jules then turns and walks away, laughing bitterly and waving, "Have fun, girls." I think Monica said "wench" under her breath. Monica and I both work as assistants. She was the first coworker I made friends with. She collaborates with Ms. Evans. Our classes are located next to each other. Monica has been a great friend, and I adore her. She looks after me. I turn to Monica once Jules has left my presence. "What's wrong with her?" Monica smiles and shakes her head, asking me a question. "You really don't know, Lisa?" I shrug, and she continues, "Lisa, are you blind or simply naive? "I refuse to believe you are this dumb?". I blink and say, "What?" Lisa, Jules is in love with David. She has been for the last three months, and she claims that she would have him today. Her birthday present to him is a kiss, and she believes that will be her ticket in."I put my had over my mouth and say "what? That simply cannot be true. He doesn't like her like that. Besides i think he has a girlfriend at home." Monica smirks as she looks at me. "Lisa, his only "girlfriend" is you. He only talks about you. How you're always trying to invite him to church, how you're always writing, how brilliant you are, how quick you learn, and what an amazing assistant you are. He talks constantly about you with Evans. He cannot shut up about you. I thought you knew and was just being shy. I know about your no-kissing rule, and I told him to invite you here so maybe you can change your mind. I hope that was ok.”. I am shook. I am standing with my hand over my mouth and shaking my head. Monica continues, " Yeah, everyone knows about his crush on you. He was hoping you would come so that he could talk to you. Have you seen David?" I nod no and say, " I have to go to the bathroom." I don't wait for a reply; I run to the front door. I need air; I need to breathe. I need something. I can't think I can't process this. As I run to the door, I notice Jules wrapping her arms around David's neck. I keep running. I rush to the corner, clutching the stop sign. I'm heaving, trying to catch my breath, and attempting not to cry. I don't even notice when he comes up behind me; all I hear is his deep tone. "What's the matter, Lisa, love?"

I freeze and forget to breathe as I look up into his hazel eyes, hyperventilating as he stares at me. David whispers, "Lisa, are you okay?" I simply blink and inhale; he smells of teakwood and mahogany. I hadn't realized I liked that smell until that moment. I stand up and look at him while holding my hand. "Yes, I'm fine; all I needed was some air. It was really stuffy, too many people, man. You know, I hate a huge crowd." He furrows his brow and smiles. "Lisa, you know I know when you are lying, right? What is really the problem?" I start chewing on my lower lip, trying to think of a plausible lie, when Jules walks over with a concerned expression on her face. "What's the matter, Lisa? You don't look well. Perhaps you should run home to your father." I look at Jules and stare at her for a long time. David looks away from me and towards Jules, "Jules, why are you here?" "Well," Jules began, "you came out so quickly from your own party that I wanted to make certain you were celebrating and celebrating. People will talk if you are gone for too long, so let's go back." I look at David and say, "She is right; I'll be there in a minute. I promise. "Are you certain?" David asks. As Jules drags David back to his party, I nod in agreement. David looks back as they walk away, and I give them a weak wave.

My phone rings just then, and it's Monica texting me.

Monica:

Where are you woman?

Lisa:

I am ok im at the corner. I needed some air.

Monica :

Okay! I'm sorry for telling you all dat I thought you knew.

Lisa:

Yeah, nooo, I did not, and now I don't know if I can come back to the party.

Monica:

DON'T BE STUPID. COME BACK.

Lisa:

Okay, I'm walking back now.

As I walk back to the party, I am searching for a quiet spot to stand to think about all the information I just found out. Monica walks over to me with a cup of punch and shoves it into my hand. "Drink this; it will help you. " I take a drink and immediately spit it out. "What is this, Monica?" I ask. "It's punch-like, a fruit punch." "This is not like a fruit punch I have ever had. It tastes funny." Monica says with a scrunched face, "Just drink it and stop being silly." I drink the liquid, which has a punch with a slight kick. Monica drags me onto the makeshift dancefloor once we finish our drinks. I start having fun with Monica and almost forget about David and Jules. I don't know what to do with those feelings, especially since I just had a panic attack. While dancing, I tell Monica everything that happened outside. Monica is methodical in her dissection and takes a few minutes to speak. We were about to leave the dance floor to talk when I felt this pull on my hand. I turn to slap it away when I realize it's David. "Where are you going? I was coming to dance with you." I turn to Monica, eyes wide, and mouth, "Help." She shakes her head "no" and says, "I'll catch up with you later, Lisa." I close my eyes and turn to face a somber David, and as we look into each other's eyes, I have a feeling this is going to be more than just a dance.

David leads me back to the dance floor, where we begin to dance together. It's one of my favorite songs, "Jar of Hearts," which, to be honest, feels strange to play at a birthday party, so I wonder, "Why is this song playing? It's so sad." David laughs and says, "Because I requested that it be played so that I could speak with you. I did not like the way you looked earlier." I shake my head and smile shyly, "I'm fine, David. Furthermore, you were preoccupied with Jules. "I had no idea you had seen me." I immediately regretted the words as soon as they left my mouth. I sounded like a jealous jerk. I snatch my hand away and dash to the bathroom (this time finding it) before locking the door. I slump down, my back against the door, and mutter, "Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid. Lisa, why are you acting this way? UGGGH" There was a knock on the door, and I said "occupied" through the door. "I know it is, Lisa. Let me in." It was the one person I didn't want to see just yet. "Leave, David. I only need a minute." I listen and I don't hear anything, so I think he is gone until I hear the breathing on the other side of the door. "David? Are you there?" I ask. "Yes, I am. I want to talk to you, love," he says. I can't breathe, but I get up and open the door.

David walks in and sits on the tub as I sit on the toilet. I look at this man that I have grown extremely close to in a very short amount of time, and I am finally seeing him for the first time. Someone I want to be with, someone I believe I care about, and the person with whom I hope to share my first kiss. After a long silence, David speaks in a light tone, "So, Lisa, you have been very cagey today. I've tried to talk to you all day, but you seem to be avoiding me. Have I done something wrong?" I shake my head no and look at him in his eyes, those hazel eyes that I would not mind diving into. He continues as he takes my hands, and I can't think; I can't breathe. "Then why did you say that stuff about Jules? You know she is only a friend, right?" I shake my head yes as David scoots closer to me. I'm so close to his lips. I inhale and move a little closer to his lips. There is barely any space between us as we look at each other. I can tell David is just waiting for me to move, and I do, and I kiss his lips. It's my one rule that I did not want to break, at least not unless it was my boyfriend. Is that what David is now?? I start to feel dizzy. I realize I'm not breathing as I kiss this man, this impossibly attractive man. As we part, he moves his hands to my face, bringing our foreheads together. When there is a knock on the door, we are both breathing deeply. We both stand up and say, "Just a minute." David is holding my hand, and I look back at him. "I'm so sorry," David says, "I know you were saving your kiss for a special person, and I just lost control for a minute." He releases my hand and walks towards the door. "Wait," I reply. David comes to a halt with his hand on the knob before turning to face me. I get closer to him, knowing there is no turning back. "I know, but don't you know you are special to me? I understand you're leaving at the end of the school year, and I may not see you again, but I have no regrets.". David smiles and takes my face in both hands, kissing me again. It's as if the world disappears, leaving only him and me.

The school year is coming to a close, and David and I are still working and dating together harmoniously. David has started walking home with me and paying visits because he lives so close. My dad, who is usually so strict, begins to relax. If David does not come to visit, he asks for him. I think he likes him better than I do. Jules initially disliked me after learning that David and I had begun dating. The main thing I was worried about was that the school would find out and fire David or me. It turned out better than I expected. Monica offered to change classrooms, and I worked with Mrs Evans for the remainder of the school year, so the emphasis was on work, and when we left, it was just us. I loved it, and the strict no-kissing policy that I followed and built my entire life around worked perfectly.