Darknesses Trap Door

Dear Diary,

Remind me to not look out my window at night.

The darkness pulls me in and keeps me on a chain till I give it what it wants.

Most nights the darkness keeps me up with questions and thoughts and never ending wondering, some nights it tortures me with my past mistakes and others it laughs in my face and mocks me.

Thankfully today was a good day, and the darkness didn't get a chance to pull me in.

Until the darkness taunts me again.

Me

Dear Diary,

I looked out the window tonight.

I had to. Life sucks. The darkness found me during the day and sucked me in, in front of friends. I broke down. I weeped for an unknown reason. They had to take me away and sit me down and we had to talk today. I had to tell people how the darkness had gotten to me.

They didn't believe me, said I was doing this for attention.

Yeah, cause you know me, I love attention!

I hate the attention, so much. Because when people look at me they know I'm not all that interesting, they don't look at me and think shes pretty I could love to get to know her, no they just ignore me.

And I am completely fine with that.

So I looked out the window tonight. I came to the darkness with questions.

It wasn't happy, this time the darkness chained me to the wall and wouldn't let me speak.

Funny though cause he always said he could read my mind.

He wouldn't let me ask the question of why they keep me the way they do? Why me? I'm the only one out of my friend group who has the scars the way I do. I'm the only one who feels all eyes on me the way I do. No one else talks about it the way I do.

They let me go early, they unchained me and told me to stay away.

But my scars scream at me to stay one foot in the murky waters till you get answers. Stay one foot in till you don't hurt anymore, till life gives you what you want.

The darkness was scared of me?

They sent me away.

So I left, I'll go back tomorrow.

Me.

Dear Diary,

The darkness wont see me coming. I'm not a ray of sunshine but I'm not a ball of light either. But I'm going to get answers.

I walk in the dark, I tip toe through the dark while others run and stay in the dark.

Today the darkness puts me in a room, sits me down and stares at me. The darkness looks familiar. I never got a good look at him. Looking now, its me.

I look my darkness dead in the eye and ask-why did I have to walk through the dark when I did? She punches me in the face leaves my nose broke.

I got my answer, I was forced into my darkness. He forced me. I complied to keep him with me because we all love those who hurt us.

I asked my darkness why? Why do i get picked on? Why do you pull ME in?

She jumped across the table and choked me. Said I shouldn't be able to confront her, just put her away on a shelf for a while.

My demons then entered one said to me, "Alice, go cry your tears, stay bottled, let the blood mix in and show you why you have those scars." They chant at me that I shouldn't know what to ask.

They tell me I shouldn't be here. To go away and die.

Stay away, they say.

They kick me out, again.

Until they let me in again.

Me.

Dear Diary,

The darkness is shunning me so I turn to others.

My mom.

I have questions but I can't ask her.

I have the answer, it brushes my ears, my nose, my lips, its there like a kiss soft but not sweet, wanting to be planted but not wanting to be too.

I want to ask how she sees in the dark. With your heart? With your head? By feeling? By knowing?

I never get an answer.

Until another question.

Me.

Dear diary,

I have another question.

Who else is in the dark? Who walks? Who runs? Who has just become another demon?

Do the lovers who sneak around at night go at night just to be alone or to hide from their mistakes? Are the loving the wrong person or are they ashamed that the love of their life is who they are?

Why do we have to think about this?

Why is this even a question? But who else is like me? Who is loving someone unconditionally but only given conditional love and forced sex and pressured feelings. Life is weird.

I don't know how to ask my darkness this.

Me.

Dear Diary,

Today I was told, I don't belong here. I realized the only friend I can trust is me, and I don't even like me.

I added more scars to my collection. Deep, red and very dark.

Unknowingly people know of my scars. No one does anything about it.

I should just die. Maybe people will finally care and do something about it.

People see my scars. Laced up my arm and not planning on going away.

I don't know. This is just a day in the life of little ole Alice crying her ocean for help and getting thrown into a bottle to "fix" it.

Just another day in the life of Alice of smoking sweet and exhaling evil.

Another day in the life of Alice of seeing darkness and then becoming darkness.

Just another day in the life of Alice who's ocean of tears gets mixed with her rivers of blood and sweat of hate and need for love that isn't being given.

I don't know diary.

Give me something. I'm standing in my bottle on the edge of a cliff and if I get tipped I'll shatter and I'll be unfix-able.

Till Alice returns,

me.

Dear Diary,

I'm done.

Everything sucks. Life has gone haywire. People don't know me for me.

I'm getting special treatment now. And it sucks.

The darkness isn't scaring me now, I'm scaring it. But people don't realize that.

I am the darkness though.

It looks through my eyes and just makes me see in a different color.

I am tired. I'm over it.

No more looking through the window at night. My questions always end up in blood and tears.

You wont have to bear my questions anymore.

Me.