In His Keeping

4/29/05

Sierra, my best friend, got this little journal for my birthday. I’m so excited for it. She said I talk so much so I should try writing it down for a change. I kinda like it. I’m going to decorate the top of it. Make it pretty.

5/1/05

Jamie told me he loves me, he said he’d do anything for me. Isn’t he so romantic?

5/8/05

I can’t believe this is happening. I don’t know what I'm gonna do. How can this be happening? This is not happening. No, no. It can’t be.

5/9/05

Okay, it’s fine. I’m just going to tell mom, and everything will be okay. I didn’t even mean for this to happen.

5/11/05

Alright little journal it’s around 11 in the morning. I’ve been puking for the last hour. I think mom’s a bit suspicious of me. Do you think she knows? I’m so nervous. Okay, little journal can you keep a secret? I’m pregnant and I’m totally freaking out. I’m only 19. This wasn’t supposed to be happening, but it is. Trust me I took 3 tests, it’s true. What am I going to do? I hope I didn’t freak mom and dad last night. Oh, yeah I didn’t tell you, little journal. Well, I kinda panicked and came to my parents house in the middle of the night. Wish me luck! Oh, look at the time, it’s almost 12. I’m going to try to sleep.

5/12/05

Okay, so I told them. I wouldn’t say they're mad, but they are not happy. I suggested abortion and they freaked out. I don’t think I’d want to abort anyways, I’ve heard a couple horrible things about abortion. Also, I wouldn’t appreciate a doctor being up in my business. I can hear mom and dad arguing. Am I going to ruin their marriage? I know actions have consequences, but my parents can’t DIVORCE. Ugh, why am I crying? I’ve been doing that a lot lately, little journal. Now, I want pickles and ice cream. I hate this. Dad’s calling me, I have to go, little journal.

5/25/05

My parents are telling me to keep the baby. They said they’d help, but Ginny says I should put the baby up for adoption. I’m going to the doctor’s today. I’m scared. I don’t know what to do, little journal. There’s a living breathing human growing inside me, at least I think it is. My friend, Gabbie said it isn’t, that I should get rid of it before Jamie finds out. Little journal, what if she’s wrong? I would never forgive myself if I killed my baby. I won’t do it. I won’t!

6/9/05

I know, little journal, it's been a while. I’m keeping the baby, I think. I’ll decide when it’s born. My cravings and hormones are going crazy. I talked to Jamie, my boyfriend. He says he’s with me for whatever I choose. I kinda thought he’d freak out a little more, but I’m glad he didn’t. Degan, my brother came to visit last week. He’s 24, but we were practically raised up together. He’s my best friend. Ginny is 33, so it could explain why she despises me. I’d say I’m the baby of the family, but little Jaden is 15. Did I already tell you about my siblings, little Journal? Hold on, let me check. Nope, we’re good. Anyways all together there are four of us. Mom and dad had Ginny at a young age too. I guess you could say, I’m my parents' baby girl. They’ve done so much for me already. I don’t want to be a burden to them.

6/24/05

Ginny called me a word yesterday. Which is exactly what I am. It’s a nasty word too, little journal. I won’t repeat it. I’d hate to look back on it. Jamie came by yesterday, he snuggled me. Didn’t say a word though. I’m a bit worried about him. He’s not usually like this. I’m honestly glad that he’s not freaking out. Oh, I got to go, mom’s taking me shopping. She said I’m going to get bigger. I’m going to be fat for a bit after too. I hope Jamie will still love me when I’m fat. Hopefully.

6/29/05

This kid is cooking inside me. He’s going to be like his dad constantly working. At least I hope that’s what Jamie’s doing. I’m kinda worried he may be seeing another woman. I wouldn’t blame him. Pregnancy isn’t pretty. I only have 8 more months if you can believe it. I don’t know the gender right now. I bet he’s a boy. A mother knows. I’m going to be a mom. That sounds weird to stay. Just two years ago, I was fresh out of high school. You know I keep getting this mixture of butterflies in my stomach and jumping excitement. Is that normal? Maybe it’s just the hormones.

7/6/05

It’s been awhile, little journal. Only 7 more months to go if you can believe it. I did an ultrasound last week, he’s so tiny. I just needed some proof that he’s alive in there, you know. I didn’t really appreciate the cool gel and pressure on my tummy though. Oh, we had the fourth of July, the fireworks were so pretty. It was so much fun except the part where Ginny and her husband were talking behind my back. What makes them so perfect, huh? Everyone thinks I’m a big disappointment. Don’t they? I can hear them all whispering. Aunts, uncles, cousins, neighbors and friends. I think I’ve shamed our family. Like really bad. Maybe I should…you know what, it’s not important. I just got to keep my head up high.

9/24/05

Only 5 more months. This kid is getting big. Oh, sorry little journal. I didn’t mean to stop talking that long. Jamie and I…we, um broke up. He said he’s got too much to juggle right now. I knew it. He must be seeing another woman. How else could it explain him wanting to leave so fast? It’s fine, though. I don’t need him. I can still raise my kid by myself, you know.

9/25/05

Ginny said if I want to give my baby a good life, I need to stop being a freeloader to mom and dad. Which makes sense. They only got so much money. I wouldn’t want to be a financial burden to them. I’ve been working at this diner down the street. I haven’t told my parents I’ve been working. I don’t want to upset them. They’re already dealing with Jaden. Oh, I didn’t tell you, little journal. Jaden’s sick. He’s going to be alright, though. He’s a fighter.

9/26/05

They’ll shun him, won’t they? Would his cousins even look at him? I’m so scared. What if I can’t protect him? It’s not his fault, you know, to be born by a sin. I can barely go to church without getting sideway glances. Doesn’t it matter that I want to change? It’s not his fault. Marie, a woman from church said I’ll burn in hell. Is it true? She read from the bible. Dad said we’ll find a new church, but I don’t care. I guess I don’t really understand how people can be so cruel. Maybe Ginny’s right, put him up for adoption. That way he wouldn’t have to be ashamed. He could grow up being a kid. Something I’m not sure I can offer him.

9/28/05

I can’t let him go! He’s mine. He belongs with me. I’ve been praying for the both of us. I read in the bible that they were going to stone a woman for adultery, but Jesus saved her. Do you think that’s for me too? Do you think Jesus cares about me too? I pray God tells me what to do. I don’t know, little Journal, maybe God will have pity on me and my little baby.

10/1/05

She’s right, Ginny’s right. He’ll have a target on his back for the rest of his life. I should let someone better take care of him. I'm too young to raise a kid, anyways. He deserves a better life than the one I can give him.

11/2/05

Karen says I should keep him. I don’t think she’s old enough to understand. She’s only 9 but strong willed. Her mom’s in the military right now and Degan’s on a work trip. Who knew a 9 year old can make a grown woman cry? These hormones, I’m telling you. She’s a fun kid, kinda reminds me of myself at that age, but she’s definitely her father’s daughter. I hope my kid is like me too. Looks and personality, something. I’m not picky.

11/4/05

I’m so confused. On one hand I can raise him and be an awesome mom, but on the other I can’t offer him some of the things a dad can. I guess that’s why divorce parents still keep in touch. Sorry, bad joke. Maybe this kid will turn out alright. I know I have help. I’m just so worried about burdening my parents. They’ve done so much for me. Should I really burden them with another mouth to feed? I just don’t know. I guess I only have three more months to decide.

11/12/05

Jamie wants to get back together. Move into his place, be a family. He says he can’t live without me, yet he’s not asking me to marry him. He said he wants to get to know each other again before we get married. It works for me. I can’t be a single parent. You know, little journal, I’ve been praying about this. Mom says God plans for everything. I’m really starting to like his plans over mine.

12/1/05

Thanksgiving was interesting. Jamie came with his parents, his sister, and her kid. At least that’s what I thought, but it turned out to be his kid. A little four year old to show the proof. His own son called him out, when he called his own so-called uncle, daddy. I think Degan and Kaden were going to punch him. It was a very awkward quiet dinner, but we waited till after to talk. Mainly because Ginny’s kid was sleeping. They all yelled at him, but I wanted to know the truth, so we let him offer it. The kid’s name is Johnny. Jamie said when he was 17, he fell in love with a girl named Dixie, they were into drugs and underage drinking, grabbing anything they could get their hands on. When they found out about Johnny, they sobered up for a time, but once Johnny was born, Dixie returned to their old lives and drove off a bridge. Jamie was a mess, he was sobbing, snot all over his face. That only made me love him even more. I stared at little Johnny and up at Jamie. I could tell he loved this kid and if he could love him, he could love our kid. I told him I don’t want to move in together till we’re married. He 100% agreed.

12/23/05

You know if it wasn’t bad for this baby to come early, I’d want him to be a Christmas baby. Sharing a birthday with little Jesus. He probably wouldn’t like that when he’s older. I have so many dreams for this kid. We have a baby shower next month or I guess, year. I wanted to wait for the baby shower in case I wasn’t going to keep him. Just in case, you know.

12/28/05

Jamie proposed yesterday, I guess we’re moving in his place. I’m so excited. I can’t believe Dad gave his blessing! He’s got a nice apartment too. Just needs a bit of decorating. Degan’s bringing over his wife and Karen to help decorate, while Jamie and Degan build the crib. I’m just so glad my family loves Jamie too.

1/1/06

Welcome to the near year kid. This is the year you’ll be born. You were kicking at me to get out. You only have one more month, kid. Calm yourself.

1/15/06

Everyone got me some gifts for you guys. I can’t believe it, twins! Who would’ve guessed. One boy and one girl. I guess me and your dad were both right. I can’t wait to meet you guys. Everything is going to be perfect. We will be a family and I will teach you everything I know.

1/30/06

Hey, little journal, I've gotten sick. A virus, they say. My babies are safe. That’s all that matters. I think I’m getting worse by the minute. Jamie went to pick up Johnny from preschool. Mom’s here with me, brushing my hair out of my face. I love her so much. I can hear God whispering to me. I’m not really sure what he’s saying, but I can hear his voice, calling out my name. I think he’s taking me home soon. I haven’t told mom yet. I don’t want to scare her. My back hurts. I’m going to take a little nap.

2/2/06

I’m a little sick, kids. Nothing mommy can’t handle. Daddy’s here, taking care of me. I bet you're going to have his hair. Maybe even look a bit like Johnny. You’re supposed to be born sometime soon, but the doctor might make you come early. It’s for your own protection. Don’t worry, my little ones. Everything is going to be okay. You know why? Because God has a plan. I don’t know what it is, but I’ve been learning not to worry about it.

2/3/06

Hey, little journal. I’m really sick, don’t tell my kids. I don’t think I’m going to make it out of here. My kids are safe. Did I mention, they’re twins? I’ve already picked out names with Jamie. I’ve already told him about hearing God. I can hear him yelling down the hall, I think he’s scared too. Don’t worry, little journal, you’ve served me well. My mom’s here with Ginny. Sometimes I can hear them sobbing, when I pretend to sleep. It’s okay, little journal, don’t be sad, you won’t be forgotten.

2/4/06

I had a C-section, is what the doctors call it. I’m so tired. My babies are here, I can’t hold them, their immune systems can't handle what I have. I wish I could hold you, my babies, but I can only look at you. You’re so beautiful. I’m going to take a nap now. Sorry, little journal, I’m just so tired.

2/5/06

Hey, kiddos, mommy loves you. I’m in the hospital right now. I love you. Don’t you forget it. You're both so precious to me. I won’t be able to see you grow up, to tell you how much mommy loves you. Daddy will take care of you. You be kind to your daddy, okay? Remember to be nice to Johnny and to each other. Tell daddy, I love him. I’ll be waiting for you in heaven. My little Isabel and my little Thomas. God has great things planned for you both.

2/3/22

Hey, Mom. It’s Isabel. I’m not sure where you are right now. I don’t think even Dad knows. Grandma says you're in heaven. I hope that’s true, I would like to meet you someday. We’re turning 16 tomorrow, me and Thomas. Dad married a nice woman a few years ago, her name is Cassie. She came with kids, so we have step siblings. Johnny’s in college, but I think he misses us. He’s told us about you. I’ve seen pictures, Grandma says I look like you, Thomas too. Aunt Ginny has been really nice to us and cries most times we see her. I think she has a lot of regrets about her life. We really miss you. Even though Thomas will never admit it. He’s stubborn. I keep reading this back. I’ve decided to tell you goodbye. A real one. I love you too, mom.