I don't owe you this

To: @lindsygraham

Subject: no contact

I knew I was your second choice the moment I saw your name on the screen. I didn’t even have to answer the phone. If you were calling me then it meant you had already tried everyone.

I probably shouldn't have answered. But I was a sucker, so I did.

“Hey Lindsay, what’s up? We haven’t hung out in so long!” Because you were too busy with all your other friends. Because you only come to me when you have no one else, but it is always close enough to the last time for me to believe we actually have a connection.

“Meelee!!” Of course you used my childhood nickname, a reminder that we were tight. That you’ve known me longer than anyone. That we belong together. That you have a claim to me. A reminder of a time when we used to be so close, a time we seem to talk about all the time, instead of bothering to live in it. “Omg, I can't believe it’s been months. It's insane. Do you want to hang out now? We can go for slurpees.”

In case you forgot Lindsay, it was 10:30 pm.

“Umm,” I so wanted to say no, Lindsay, to prove to both of us that I wasn't desperate for your friendship. That I wasn't going to climb out of bed just because you asked me to. “I was kind of hoping on making it an early night. I'm in pajamas already.” It wasn't an outright refusal, but it was the closest I’d ever get with you.

“So put on clothes. Please. I'm so in the mood of going out, and no one else can come with me now.” And there it was. Did you not realize what you had said Lindsay? You had just admitted that I was your backup. That you didn't actually want to hang out, moments after saying that you missed me.

Was that supposed to convince me to come?

“Ugh I know, it sounds so fun (the problem was that it did. I’d enjoy myself, I knew that I would. I wouldn’t start feeling bad about it until the next day) but I can't tonight. Maybe tomorrow?”

We went that night.

You convinced me. Said I was your last hope. That you didn't want to stay home that night. That you had so much to tell me. That what you loved about me was that you knew you could count on me to always say yes. And somehow despite all those things that should have made me run, I agreed. I put on a hoodie. And, even though you are the one with a car, I walked the fifteen minutes to your house so we could go.

I don’t know if you remember that night Lindsay, or if it got muddled in your head together with hundreds of other nights and thousands of car rides. But I've been replaying it for days. Trying to find a hidden meaning in every compliment. While hating myself for still basking in their glow.

I saw you two days later (last week Wednesday). You were in a circle with 6 of your friends and you didn’t notice me watching. But I was. I wondered if you had ever left their messages on read after hanging out with them for hours. If you had ever been with them til 2:30 am, and then gone no contact, like it never happened. I wondered if you ever waxed nostalgia or guilted them into hanging out with you. I doubted it. They seemed too happy, too comfortable. They didn't seem as if they were trying to soak in every moment of your company. Like they were trying to make sure you had a good time, so that you would want to do it more often.

All the things I do when we’re together. And I started thinking, “Do I really enjoy your company?” I know I used to. That’s the reason I want more of it. But lately, I wasn't sure. I was beginning to feel like the 3rd wheel between you and the world. I wasn’t sure I wanted that anymore, but I wasn’t sure how to stop.

It’s been a week since then, far too soon for you to reach out, I know that. You’d think nothing major can happen in so short a time.

I thought so too.

I was wrong.

I spoke to my brother.

Ok, so not major, we speak a lot. Honestly I feel like with him in Philly he knows more about my life than he ever did, living at home. But I mentioned your name, and his immediate response was, “I don't like that girl.” Obviously I was offended, and I told him to stop hating on my friends. But then, maybe because something was bothering me as well, I asked him why not.

His response? “Because she doesn’t like you.”

It goes without saying that I didn’t like that.

“What do you mean she doesn’t like me Will? We literally just hung out for 5 hours!”

“Exactly.” He sounded like a lawyer. Like my idiot older brother had just proved a murder and was getting justice for a family. He sounded way too sure.

“Exactly?! Exactly what Will? Has college made you dumber or something?”

Honestly, I don't know why I'm telling you this. Why do I feel like I need to justify myself to you? Even after everything I still can't tell you, “no”, “we’re done”, “this is over”. I still feel like I have to explain. But that’s my own problem, one that I intend to fix. I just won’t be practicing on you. Not after Will verbalized to me what I had been feeling for years.

“She doesn’t value you Melissa!” Now he was angry. And frustrated. And I don't know if it was at you for the way you’ve been treating me, or me for not seeing it. “She's using you. Yes, you’ll spend 5 hours together, but only when she doesn’t want to be alone. I’ve seen you jump out of bed, because she can’t sleep and wants to talk. Do you ever meet up when you ask? Or is it only her coming over to kill time between her friend outings. And does she ever invite you to those? Does she try to make you a part of her life? Because it seems as though your entire schedule revolves around hers.”

I didn’t know what to answer Lindsay; he was right. I couldn’t recall you once making an effort, and it seemed like that was all I ever did. And I was embarrassed that it took my brother calling me out to fully notice it.

It wasn’t a good feeling. I hated it. I hated the way you've treated me for over 4 years now. I hated you. And I hated myself for falling for it. I started crying, uncontrollably. “I'm wrong”, “I’m an idiot”, “I wish my older brother was here to hug me” kind of sobs. I WASTED SO MUCH TIME ON YOU!! I stressed over you when we weren’t together, I overthought everything when we were. I rehashed our conversations for hours. And somehow I didn't realize how uninvested you are.

That’s not a friendship. You should know, you have plenty. And they always seem to take priority over me.

After hanging up on Will I went outside to people watch. There were so many people walking by, I wanted to stop one of them and ask for another opinion. Was I making something out of nothing? Obviously when I describe it it'll seem like you’re taking advantage of me. But were you? Objectively. If someone were to look in, with no background information, and no preconceived notions, what would they think?

If this was a book, or a movie, or about anyone else but myself, I knew what I would think. I would get so annoyed at the author. I’d complain and say that no one would possibly fall for it, that no one would actually stay in such a relationship for so long. But in a book it is clearly toxic, the characters were created that way. In my life? I wasn’t so sure.

I thought about it, almost constantly. When I was talking to other people, when I was eating or trying to sleep, and when I contemplated messaging you again while doubting you’d respond.

I did it anyway.

Check your phone, 5 days ago I sent you “Lindsay!! Had so much fun last monday. We should totally do that again! I’m not that busy, you free tonight?” You didn’t answer. I carried my phone around everywhere, and jumped at every notification, but I didn’t hear anything from you.

Until this morning. When you called me at 6AM!! You wanted to know if I was in the mood of going to the store with you to pick up a charger before school.

Umm. No, I wasn’t in the mood. I was sleeping!

I didn’t know how to tell you that. I knew that you would never ask any of your other friends to wake up early with no warning in order to go shopping with you. But I also knew that if I tried to tell you that you’d reason with me that I’m already up, that I’m anyways an early bird (in fact, I was your only early bird friend and that you knew you could count on to come) that it’ll be fun, or that we could pick up coffee or breakfast on the way back. And after all that, I’d feel like I have no possible excuse left to refuse, and to insist would just be rude. So I did something even ruder and hung up the phone. Then I turned it on airplane mode and went back to sleep.

I’m not sure if I really do owe you anything, so this email is for me. It’s my closure and reassurance that you won’t bother me again.

We’re over Lindsay. Honestly I don’t know if we ever were. Not since we were twelve. But maybe our years of friendship do entitle you to something. And if it isn’t me, let it at least let it be an explanation.

So here it is: I cannot be friends with someone who isn’t friends with me. And right now that isn’t you. Maybe someday we can start over, as new friends with no history or baggage. Until then, find someone else to run your errands with

-your old friend

Mellissa Kolt (who you used to know as Meelee)