Next song please

It’s too quiet.

The thought crosses my mind. I jolt up. The sky is still dark. Just the streetlights bathe our bedroom in a fuzzy half-darkness.

Forgot to let down the blinds again.

My eyes try to focus on the person next to me. The longer I stare, the easier I can see his shape. As if in answer, he lifts his arm to support his head. His sleep mask doesn’t budge. It was a birthday present worth its money.

I turn around to check my phone. The display lights up. Blinding me and I squint my eyes.

Ugh. 4.30.

I fall back into my pillow. The blanket is still warm and cozy. I close my eyes. I snuggle under the blanket. It takes a while to find a comfortable position. Turned to the side, one knee pulled up a sigh finally escapes me.

20 more minutes.

There is a horse in my bedroom, blowing its lips. My eyes snap open. The horse disappears and is replaced by a sonorous throaty deep snore. I hope it will stop. But it doesn’t stop. It’s like I’m lying in bed with Darth Vader.

“Seriously!?”

With my hand I feel around until I find stubbly soft warm skin. With gentle force I push. Hoping the head will turn. But nothing moves. The sound continues, now even louder. My eyes are still closed. I try again. The horse answers, but no movement. I pull back my hand.

Just concentrate on your own breathing. 15 more minutes.

But Darth Vader is back. While he’s supposed to let the anger flow through him, I can feel it bubbling up in my veins instead. A few deep breaths, to control myself, I fail just like Anakin Skywalker.

My hand reaches out. This time to grab the pillow. I pull. Once. I wait. There is no shifting sound. A second try. The sound of a cat choking up a furball reaches me. There’s some movement. The horse answers one more time and then there is a shift. The blanket is pulled to the side. Cold air blows away all hopes of falling asleep again. I stifle a groan. My partner settles, oblivious and undisturbed, breathing like a normal person.

You couldn’t have done that a few moments ago?!

I’m awake now. Slightly worked up I make my way to the bathroom. I shower. I get dressed. I brush my teeth. The routine I can follow with my eyes closed. The bathroom fan is almost working as hard as my partner’s airways.

Will it wake up the whole house? Maybe I should text the landlord.

I apply my make-up. Primer. Foundation. Eyeshadow. Mascara.

“Lalalala lalalala la lala. Lalalala lalalala la lala. Lalalala lalalala la lala.”

The second eye now looks like I’ve been punched. A dry laugh escapes me. It sounds more like a cough. My finger slides the ‘Snooze’ button, and I look at the bathroom clock.

Huh?! 5.50! When did it get so late?

I rush to save my appearance. When I finally make it out of the bathroom, I decide to skip breakfast and my usual coffee.

The coffee at work is better anyway.

With one last look in our bedroom, I try not to pull a face but send a flying kiss towards my partner anyway.

The air is cold. My partner would say “Freezing”. He hates the cold and I’m still surprised I could convince him to move to Germany with me.

Reaching our car, the small red Toyota Yaris, I sigh. The windows are iced over. Fortunately the windscreen is covered with this silver foil my partner insisted on buying. But the rest. Another sigh escapes. With my breath visible in front of me I get distracted. I blow a few times.

I’m a dragon! I can de-ice my car in seconds!

A weird ringing sound makes me snap around. Not feeling the cold anymore but only heat burning in my cheeks I check the pavement around me. Nobody is out and about. Even the dog owners will only leave in half an hour. I usually have to avoid them when I reach my office. The sound fades away again.

I turn around and remove the windscreen cover. The ice particles make the foil crackle even louder. Carefully I shake it, making sure not to hit my face. A lesson learnt at the beginning of the cold season. Then I throw the foil into the boot.

Oh, I de-iced everything already?!

The windows are clear. My fingers are cold, stiff and red. There is the faint smell of alcohol in the air and I remember the de-icing spray my partner bought.

I get in the car, press the clutch and turn the key. The motor runs smoothly. I put the gear in neutral and blast the ventilation on maximum. The windows already start to fog up.

I hate it! This part I really hate! It’s already difficult enough to see when it’s dark.

While the ventilation is drowning all other noises I plug in my phone. The inbuilt navigation system doesn’t work reliably. So we came up with the plug in version. It works well and I don’t have to listen to the radio. German radio DJs talk a lot. The music selection is as repetitive as in my home country.

I rub my hands and check the destination on my navigation system. I know the way to work. But it’s somehow comforting to have someone guide me. Tell me where I have to go.

With the phone connected, the Creepy Nuts are awake with me as well. They fight their way through the sound of the hard-working ventilation. The fog is almost fought back, and I switch on the headlights.

Let’s go!

The AI voice of the navigation also wants me to drive safely, and I maneuver my way out on the side street. By the time I’ve reached the end of the residential area the song has changed. The roads are strangely empty, but I don’t think too much about it. Besides, how can I worry about deserted roads when The Flob tries to make me focus on the futility of life.

“Hey, em ơi, em còn chần chờ gì nữa?”

I didn’t wait though. I got out.

Trying not to defend my decisions to the singer, I focus on the potholes in the road. I sing along to the next song after having avoided a few more potholes. I don’t hold back and despite the rather bleak lyrics of the song, there is a smile on my lips.

When I stop at a traffic light, I quiet down and look around. Strangely enough there are still no cars on the road. No trucks either. No vans. No pedestrians.

Did I miss a public holiday?

Confused, I want to turn down the ventilation. The windows are completely clear by now, but the ventilation button is already deactivated. The traffic light shifts from red to green and makes me concentrate on the road again.

It’s good that there’s no one around. Let’s hope that the slip road to the Autobahn is the same.

“아 거대한 세상 나는 보이지도 않을 만큼 작은 점” sings Anh Ye Eun. The tiny blob is me, driving on these deserted roads. I try not to think about it. Instead, I focus on the songs hoping that I can maybe find a more positive song. The algorithm decides which songs are best for me.

Awake O Sleeper. What a weird choice

I press the skip button on the steering wheel. I don’t want to listen to The Brothers Bright. The lyrics feel too holy and I don’t know how they ended up on my playlist. My partner would listen to songs like this. It’s definitely not my taste. I press the button repeatably, but I can’t skip the song. Involuntarily, I follow the lyrics. It makes my skin crawl. My parents’ disappointed faces appear in front of my inner eye. Peter next to me a comforting presence even in the memory. The song is long. Nearing its end, I can’t but mumble along the chorus “Let no man bring me harm; I bear the marks of Jesus”

The pressure in my stomach grows. Vague memories pop up in my mind, but this time I’m unable to focus on any of them. The chorus resounds one last time. Then it’s finally over. I feel like I can breathe again. Instead of guitars and spiritual lyrics, I’m greeted by the heavy drum set and the swearing lyrics from Fight From Within.

“And now I’m losing control

Could this be the end of me”

I bob my head along as I take the slip road onto the Autobahn. This is my worst nightmare, despite doing this five days a week, twice a day. Expecting traffic here, my spine is straight and my eyes religiously check all mirrors available.

Huh, no cars here either?

My hands still clutch the steering wheel. My breathing is strangely shallow. An outside force trying to suffocate me. I’m signaling despite nobody being around me. I make it on the Autobahn without further issues. Still, it takes me a while to relax. Now it’s Skindred accompanying me.

Slightly more upbeat this one.

My fingers around the now-sweaty leather cover loosen a fraction. But just when the chorus was going to start, the German traffic news spoils the fun.

“Achtung liebe Autofahrer. Schwerer Unfall auf der A661 Richtung Frankfurt. Es staut sich auf 10 km. Wenn möglich das Gebiet weiträumig umfahren. Wenn Sie schon im Stau steh’n nicht vergessen: Rettungsgasse bilden.“

Huh? A heavy accident? A traffic jam?

Switching on the high beams, even their light is swallowed up by the darkness ahead of me. There’s nothing. No cars. No trucks. No ambulance. No police. Just the deserted Autobahn, me and my lonely car. Avatar’s voice follows me onto the pitch-black road.

My gaze brushes the navigation system and the estimated arrival time.

No estimate available.

“Dive into the darkness and see the end and oblivion”

“Are you sure this is what you should play? It’s a bit … unconventional.”

Peter looks up to the nurse who has just entered the room. He stops the music and pulls a face. With the dark shadows under his eyes, he follows the nurse’s movements. She brings too much movement into the room, checking the various machines, taking notes, adjusting medication dosage by turning tiny wheels.

“That’s what the doctor said. It might help reach him. It’s his playlist not mine.”

His hands clench around the phone. There is a dry cracking sound and he flinches. The phone almost drops and is saved only in a flurry of uncoordinated movements. Peter sits up again. The chair is uncomfortable but at least this keeps him awake. Reminds him that it’s not a nightmare.

“Well, if that’s what the doctor said, it must be true then. His vitals are fine. Do you need anything?”

“No … No, I think … Do you think I can leave for a second but let the playlist run?”

“Sure, why not.”

The nurse leaves first. Peter switches on the phone. Looking towards Mark, he presses the play button again before leaving as well.

“Dive into the darkness and see the end and oblivion”

Note: Song credits — this short story contains brief lyrical references to the following songs:

1) “Vegas” by The Flob — first released on October 4, 2020, appearing on their album Sống Sai.

2) “Awake O Sleeper” by The Brothers Bright — released on January 14, 2012 on the album A Song Treasury.

3) “Full Send” by Fight From Within — released as a single in 2023.

4) “가볍게 (Dissolve)” by Ahn Ye Eun (안예은) — released on February 12, 2023.

5) “Death of Sound” by the heavy metal band Avatar – released on March 11, 2022 as part of the digital double single “Cruel and Unusual / Death of Sound.”

All rights to the lyrics and compositions belong to their respective copyright holders.