Round and Round We Go

“I’ll take one, how much?” Sydney rummages through her purse to find her last notes of cash.

“It’s gonna be seven hundred this week, Syd.”

Sydney stops rummaging, doesn’t look up, but closes her eyes against the pain knocking against one side of her cranium to the other, “That’s almost three times as much Ed! What the hell.” 

“I know Syd, I’m sorry. They’re cracking down, everything’s at a mark up. But this is the good stuff, stronger. You might want to break it in half this time.” 

Sydney nods, her hand clamped around the cash and slowly pulls it out. She hands it over and holds the small gold orb in her palm, it is warm and inviting as ever. She turns to leave, but Ed grabs her wrist gently.

“Wait. Don’t tell anyone, but here, you’re always a great customer. Take another, on the house.” Ed whispers, sliding a second orb into her palm, making sure no one else sees. 

Sydney perks up, tears coming to her eyes. She nods vigorously.

“Remember the rules. And Syd, I’m sorry, about Park-,” Ed starts.

”Thanks Ed.” Sydney says too quickly, interrupting him before hurrying away.

. . . 

Sydney closes the door to her apartment. Locking out the noise of screaming and moans of pain in other apartments. She stares at her reflection in the mirror hung up by the door. Greasy black dyed hair, dark circles under blue eyes that lately have seemed more grey, less vibrant and inviting. Her skin is dry, drooping as if it’s tired of keeping her features in place. Dragged down by rivers of tears every night.

 Disgusted, she moves from the short hallway and into the entrance of her living room. She closes the windows, locking out the wails of ambulance vans and laughter and conversation, birds chirping. Some semblance of life clinging on.

Sydney set her curtains to block out the light next. Still holding her bag, she sets it gently on the cushion of the couch and sits down on the floor with her back to it. Her hands, cold and shakey, seem to have a mind of their own; wanting to grab the orbs and take in their warmth again.  

She stops herself, wanting to pretend she has some kind of control left. She looks around the room, her vision settling into the known darkness. Her book case in one corner, coffee table in front of her, pictures strewn along the surface. She doesn’t need light to know the soft curves of the faces in them. She lays her hands on the shaggy carpet under her, feeling around for the bottle of vodka she had drunk almost to sickness the night before. They don’t come up empty, but the bottle contains a swig or two left. She welcomes the burn as it goes down her throat, just enough to blur the edges with no food in her system.

She moves her hand behind her head, finding her purse and bringing it down hard on the floor. 

She doesn’t jump at the knock on her door, but her hand tightens on the bag.

“Syd dear? You home?” Rings the familiar voice of her elderly neighbor, Elise.

Sydney holds her breath, forcing her lips together to stop herself from making any sound.

“Syd, if you’re in there, do you have any you can spare?” Elise whispers, “I can pay you, I just need to see him for a little bit.”

Sydney closes her eyes, feeling the selfish heat swirl around her heart, pretending it is the vodka trying to find its way back up. She does have a spare doesn't she? A second pill of Anamnesis. A black market pill that promises to transport you back to a memory, to live inside it again. 

Sydney’s hand finds its way inside her bag, pulling one of the pills out. She gets up and walks to the door, opens it enough to pass the pill through and closes it shut again.

“It’s stronger than the other Elise, take half.”

“Thank you dear girl.” Elise whispers, sliding a few bills under the door. Sydney leaves them there.

She goes back to sit at the front of her couch, locating her second pill. It looks the same, golden, lightweight, almost like a DayQuil pill. 

“I’ll only need one, this is my last trip.” Sydney whispers to herself.

She swallows the pill, feeling it lodge in her throat before it slides further down. She moves to lay flat on the carpet, holding onto the fuzz. The pill can take minutes or an hour to take effect, so Sydney closes her eyes and waits.

. . .

“If you could change the outcome of something, would you?” 

Sydney doesn’t open her eyes automatically, she wants to take in this voice. The wind on her bare arms, the minuscule pricks of the grass blades under her as she sinks in, leaving her mark in the ground.

“Yes.” Sydney whispers painfully.

She feels the air next to her shift, “Even if it changed the course of everything else?”

Sydney opens her eyes, and finds her best friend Parker staring at her with the same tender milk chocolate brown eyes she’s known all her life. Not the pale pink eyelids that covered them at the funeral. Parker would have never worn pink.

“Yes.” Sydney says again.

“I don’t know Syd, what if changing one thing made everything else worse?”

“What if it made things better?” Sydney challenges, feeling the same rush of selfishness now at the base of her throat.

Sydney smiles, watching Parker’s face scrunch in on itself as she ponders this.

”I thought I was supposed to be the optimist.” Parker jokes, lying down to stare at the sky.

Sydney relishes the warmth from Parker’s shoulder against hers. Her best friend of close to two decades. A warmth that will be so quickly snuffed out in twenty seven minutes and seventeen seconds from now.

In the back of Sydney’s mind, the rules rattle. 

One. Don’t take more than one at a time. 

Two. Do not let the other inhabitants of the memory know this is a memory. 

Three. You must experience the day exactly as it happened. Do not deviate. 

Sydney was good about rule one, she never took more than one pill. But, little by little, she had begun to challenge rules two and three. If this pill could bring her back to a memory, Sydney wondered if this meant the pill was something like bite sized time travel. Could what she said and did now, have any affect on the future?

“What are you thinking about? You’re so quiet today.” Parker muses.

The pill always brings her back to this moment in the park. Always brings her back to Parker. So, she would deviate from their original conversation. She would suggest going left inside of right when they got up to leave the park for lunch. But the same thing always happened.

Sydney and Parker would be about to cross the street, and in the blink of an eye, the car would come. Parker would push Sydney back with all her might and Sydney would be left sitting on the ground, her tailbone screaming out as those around her screamed at the sight of Parker’s blood spread across the street.

Today, Sydney would try something different.

A life for a life.

“This is a memory Parker.” 

Parker smiles, “Everything is a memory Syd, that’s all time is. The passing, or creation of a memory with a timestamp.”

Sydney couldn’t help smiling back or rolling her eyes, sitting up, “Yes, Ms. Philosopher. I’m serious. This, right now, has already happened. I’m returning to a memory.”

Parker remains lying down, though her brows scrunch together with her eyes closed against the sun, “So what, you’ve time travelled back to this memory?”

“I think so.”

“Are you on drugs Syd?” Parker laughs, placing her arm over her eyes.

“Well, yes but that’s besides the point.”

Parker peeks out from under her arm, “What are you talking about?”

“Something horrible is going to happen soon, I need to stop it from happening.”

Parker removes her arm entirely and sits up, “Okay, devil’s advocate, lets say you have time travelled back to a memory. What do you need to change?”

Sydney hesitates, how was one supposed to tell their best friend they were going to die in seventeen minutes?

”Come on Syd, let’s get something to eat. I’m craving that new Mediterranean place that opened up a few blocks away from here. You can tell me on the way.” 

Parker stands and stretches, Sydney marvels at how much they’ve both grown. She thinks about the years of school, the slow pang of puberty and acne, sleepless nights over boys, over exams, over nerves for the first day of work.

She stands and grabs Parker into a tight hug, Parker relaxes into her and hugs her back.

“Seriously Syd, what’s going on?” She whispers.

“You know I love you, right?” Sydney says into the length of her hair.

”You know I love you back.” Parker squeezes her.

Suddenly Sydney lets go and smiles, her eyes brimming with tears. Parker’s eyes widen but she grabs Sydney’s hand and they walk towards the exit of the park.

Fifteen minutes to the exit, two minutes at the light.

“Parker, if something happened to me, what would you do to make sure I was okay?” Sydney asks as they walk, keeping her gaze on their linked hands. 

“Anything.” Parker says without hesitation. 

Sydney nods, as if this is the confirmation she needed to know her next choice is the right one.

She enjoys the softness of Sydney’s hands in hers, the feel of the sun on her skin which since Parker’s death, seemed to have eluded her. 

At the cross walk, Sydney tightens her hold on Parker’s hand.

Parker looks at her and puts her other hand over theirs before Sydney lets go.

“I’m sorry.” Sydney says.

Before Parker can ask what for, again, the car comes too quickly but Sydney is ready this time. She sees Parker's eyes widen as she sees the car, but when she feels Parker’s hands on her, trying to push her out of the way, Sydney grabs her alarms and for a moment sees thirteen year old Parker, them twirling around in circles with each other. Sydney circles Parker around and pushes her back, closing her eyes so she doesn’t have to see the look of horror and realization on Parker’s face.

Sydney doesn’t even feel the metal of the car after.

. . .

“I’ll take one, how much?” The woman rummages through her purse to find her last notes of cash.

“It’s gonna be seven hundred this week.”

She stops rummaging, doesn’t look up, but closes her eyes against the pain knocking against one side of her cranium to the other, “That’s almost three times as much Ed! What the hell.” 

“I know kid, I’m sorry. They’re cracking down, everything’s at a mark up. But this is the good stuff, stronger. You might want to break it in half this time.” 

She nods, her hand clamped around the cash and slowly pulls it out. She hands it over and holds the small gold orb in her palm, it is warm and inviting as ever. She turns to leave, but Ed grabs her wrist gently.

“Wait. Don’t tell anyone, but here, you’re always a great customer. Take another, on the house.” Ed whispers, sliding a second orb into her palm, making sure no one else sees. 

She perks up, tears coming to her eyes. She nods vigorously.

“Remember the rules. And Parker, I’m sorry, about Syd-,” Ed starts.

”Thanks Ed.” Parker says too quickly, interrupting him before hurrying away...