My Reason.

)this is a warning. this story contains Mental health problems and suicidal thoughts/actions kinda.

Day 1.

Dear Liana,

There’s no easy way to say this. But I can't go on living like this, you don’t deserve it. You don’t deserve any of this and I'm so very sorry for doing this to you. I know you love me but you just deserve so much better than me. I know someone else can treat you so much better than I can.

There are so many things I want to put in here but I just can’t decide how to put them down. I want you to know that I'm writing this over the course of 6 days and on the 7th day, my day of rest, I shall leave you.

Day 2.

I love you so much and hate to do this if only because I know it’ll break your heart to know. I hope this letter explains all that I feel. Those demons as you call them, that I told you left a long time ago- well. They’ve been creeping in for a while now. And I need you to know that it's not your fault.

I know that you know that I'm an atheist. But I want to join you in your faith, I love you for that faith. However I have my doubts about it all and I know you know that. When we first got together I knew you were the one and you said so too. And for a while my demons were truly gone but, my dear Liana no matter how much i love you i feel as though you can do so much better.

Day 3.

Dear Diary,

I found the letter. I need to have a conversation with him. But I don't want to push him into talking to me or push him away trying to talk to him. But I have to stop him from committing. That makes it a lot more complicated. I want to tell him he shouldn’t do this and that will make it all better but i think i’m gonna pray about it, ask the Lord to take it into his hands because there is nothing i know to do but i know he’ll tell me what to do cause he has all the answers.

Dear Lord,

I hope the prayer reaches you well. I found Briston's suicide letter today. What should I do? Please don’t let him do this. Please tell me what to do, i want to hear from you please. Not from the enemy. Not from myself. From you. Please. Please tell me what to do, i don’t know what I’ll do if he leaves this world. Please. Please tell me how i can help him. Please help me, please guide me, please father- i don't know what i can do. Please speak to me, speak to him, guide us, tell me what to do from here.

I need you to know that none of this that's happening is your fault I don't even know what or who is to blame. I just know that I can't do this anymore, I can't stay on this earth. I don't know how to do this. I feel abandoned by the world, by everyone but you, my love.

I think I might try the praying you always do. I don't want to leave you but I have to. This is day three. I think I might try praying like you do but I don't really know how. At this point my choices are so limited. I might as well try it but if it doesn’t work then I'll just finish my letter and myself. I might write what I prayed down somewhere. Maybe I'll put it with this.

Day 4.

Dear God,

I think this is how Liana does it. I don’t know how to do this really, i just know that i think I'm going to kill myself in three days. I have the pistol loaded already, it's in my nightstand. In case I decide I need to do it sooner than then. I just don't want to leave her. Please don’t leave her even when I do.

I can’t decide if I want you to be real or not, either for me or for Liana. She says you know all that I've been going through. Why are you letting me go through this? It seems cruel. I think I'm done now I don't really know what else to say- write i don't even know at this point. But if your real, please just give me a reason to be here. Give me a reason.

Dear Lord,

I found the paper he wrote his prayer on. I took the bullets from the pistol. And the rest of the bullets in his house. I'm scared. Please answer him. Please guide him. Please don’t leave him to be. I got this urge after i prayed to go looking for the letter again. He was keeping them together. I think that was you. Please be with him. Help him. Speak to him. Please don’t let him do this. Tell me if I need to do anything else. Please.

I'm gonna put this with the paper I wrote my prayer thing on together. I can’t find the bullets for my pistol. I don't know where they went. I wonder if that was him.

Day 5.

Dear Lord,

Father. I know this is your plan but I'm scared. Todays the day I was planning to tell him about the baby. I think I'm still going to. But its all in your control so it will all be well. I'm 12 weeks today I don't see any changes and Briston hasn’t noticed anything yet I think I'm gonna do as i was planning to and take him to the park for a picknick with my gift.

Day 6.

Your pregnant. Today’s the day you told me, I don't know if I can do this to you anymore. I want to keep you close and never let go. I want to hold our baby, see them, raise them. I don’t know if i can do this. I want to see our baby grow up i want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to marry you. I think this might be the reason i prayed for. I think I'm gonna talk to you, hopefully you never have to see this letter.

I think I'm gonna put this in a notebook or something, and let it be the start of a journal. I hope we can raise our baby together.

Day 7.

Dear Lord,

I hope the baby is enough of a reason for him. Please, i dont know if i can raise a baby by myself.

Father. He talked to me about it. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. He said he thinks the baby is his reason. I hope he keeps that mindset. Thank you father. Thank you so much.

Day 370.

Dear Lord,

Thank you father for giving us our beautiful daughter. Thank you for opening Briston's heart to you. I know you already know what I'm gonna tell you but I'm going to say it anyways; she's only a week old now, but thank you for everything you’ve done for us. This life you’ve given me is the better than i ever dreamed it could be. You truly are the greatest ever.